The Reverse Sweep

The next 11 crazy events involving the Pakistan cricket team

 
Can Pakistan cricket get any crazier? Just when you think that it has reached a low, along comes Zulqarnain Haider doing his impersonation of the Scarlet Pimpernel as he vanished into thin air only to materialise sometime later at Heathrow Airport.

We've been mulling over what is likely to happen next with the Pakistan cricket team, and after looking into our crystal ball we can confidently predict the next 11 major events.

1. Zulqarnain becomes a bit of a celebrity in his new home in the UK and replaces the Irish bloke on the X Factor judges panel, has an affair with Cheryl Cole and plays himself in an autobiographical flick entitled 'Escape From Dubai'.
2. Following the call-up of the third Akmal brother Adnan to the Pakistan squad rumours of nepotism and mafia cartels strengthen further when first Father Akmal and then Mother Akmal are also called into the squad.
3. Misbah-ul-Haq resigns the Test captaincy after the calamitous performance of the side in the two tests against South Africa, although Mother Akmal impresses with the gloves.
4. Younis Khan reveals the real reason behind the conspiracy against his captaincy that was perpetuated by Shoaib Malik - he is a cross-dresser that regularly wears stockings, suspenders and a basque under his cricket whites.
5. Shahid Afridi announces that he is returning to test cricket and is promptly named as test captain for the tour of New Zealand. After scoring 21 from 7 balls in Pakistan's failed run chase in the 1st Test, he retires from tests again citing that he doesn't have the mental strength or technique required for the five day game. Mother Akmal is made captain for the rest of the series.
6. In a poll on Cricinfo, Shahid Afridi is named as the sanest person in cricket today. Shoaib Akhtar comes second and Ijaz Butt third.
7. Shoaib Malik announces his divorce from Sania Mirza. He says that the marriage was all a big mistake and he'd got Mirza confused with the opponent she was playing at the time he first saw her. His engagement to Maria Sharapova is confirmed soon after.
8. Imran Farhat's book The Art of Batting is a worldwide best seller and copies are seen in the cricket bags of such luminaries as Sachin Tendulkar, VVS Laxman, Kevin Pietersen and Ricky Ponting. All say that they wish they could bat like Farhat. 
9. Wahab Riaz beats Jonathan Trott at Madison Square Gardens to become WBO Heavyweight Champion of the World.
10. Amidst all the chaos Pakistan win the 2011 World Cup with a team solely comprised of Akmals. Kamran scores a hundred, Umar a fifty and Father Akmal takes five for ten as India are beaten.
11. Zulqarnain survives being stabbed with a poisoned umbrella on his way into the X Factor studios. Suspects include Ashley Cole and Kamran Akmal, as well as a mysterious Asian man with green lipstick.

Where next?

Exclusive: The New Ten Point Pakistan Player Code of Conduct

Historic India-Pakistan peace summit flounders on cricket diplomacy

Heroes: Mushtaq Ahmed

Zeroes: Shoaib Malik

Revealed: New PCB Player Code of Conduct

 
Following the news that the PCB has revised its Player Code of Conduct, the Reverse Sweep has managed to glean a copy from a source whom we cannot reveal other than to say that he has been known to associate with the Bookies Circle.

The Code, which takes the form of ten key guidelines for players provides illuminating reading:

1. Henceforth, all players on tour must have a picture of our Dear Leader Chairman Butt above their bed with praise and thanks being given morning and evening.
2. Remember who your Captain is. He is to be undermined and conspired against at all times.
3. On the way out to the crease, every batsman is to punch the new Jonathan Trott effigy as they leave the dressing room. The effigy will be burnt at the end of every tour and a new one created for the next tour.
4. Any victories (which are admittedly unlikely) must be dedicated to Chairman Butt. Any defeats can be blamed on a conspiracy initiated by India, its agent Shoaib Malik and august cricket bodies.
5. On no account let Yasir Hameed speak to the press. If necessary gag him for the entire tour.
6. Don't laugh at Umar Akmal's green make-up. He is only a boy and he can't help it if he has a fixation with the Wicked Witch from the Wizard of Oz. It also fixes his spots.
7. Everyone must actively participate in the PCB's chosen charitable concern and 'Adopt a Bookie'.
8. Don't worry about any spot or match-fixing allegations. We know that you will always be innocent and that India will be behind it. Rest assured that Judge Qayyum will be on the case and that everyone will be exonerated.
9. Remember that Younis Khan is an enemy of Pakistan cricket and not a world-class batsman and reasonably successful Pakistan captain. It was Chairman Butt and not he who was the inspiration for the 2009 World T20 win.
10. Finally, remember that a cricket ball a day keeps the doctor away. Follow the example of Afridi and munch away.

Where next?

Heroes: Imran Khan

Historic India-Pakistan peace summit flounders on cricket diplomacy

The Ten Commandments of Ijaz Butt

 

Please note that our source may be wrong and the PCB Player Code of Conduct may or may not be along the lines of this article. Just in case

A canned Hollywood film about cricket, fixing and a homeless team

Living near Cannes means you get to become on first name terms with a number of renowned film directors, as they are frequently in town.

At the weekend, I had a drink with one famous director who asked not to be named (let's just call him O. Rock), who told me a remarkable story about a film project he had worked on a couple of years ago. Basically, he had to pitch the idea to a sinister Hollywood studio boss he hadn't met before. The guy had a pretty fearsome reputation, so Rock decided to tape the meeting. He played me the recording...

Studio Boss (SB): So tell me about the film.

O. Rock (OR): Well it's about a cricket team full of a variety of miscreant characters who mostly don't like each other. They can't play matches at home because of terrorists.

SB: Good, I like the terrorist angle. Very topical.

OR: The team is run by a Tyrannical Despot who continually interferes. He fires Captains at will like Hitler used to do with his Generals.

SB: Good, good.Terrorism, a mad autocratic leader. Sounds promising to me.

OR: That's not all. As I said the team has a number of diverse characters and factions. There is a Mad Uncle, who is prone to doing Michael Jackson moonwalks on the pitch and eating cricket balls in the middle of matches. Then there is the Wise Old Grandad - he looks a bit like Gandalf the Grey and keeps retiring and then making comebacks.

SB: Kind of a Frank Sinatra figure?

OR: Exactly. There's also another older player, Sensitive Captain, who was actually quite successful at leading the side before he was the victim of a coup instigated by the team's Machiavellian Prince. He also falls out in a big way with Tyrannical Despot.

SB: Wow conspiracy and intrigue too. I suppose the Machiavellian Prince becomes captain in the end? 

OR: Well, he has a turn near the start before Sensitive Captain, but he turns out to be an even worse captain then he is a player. He also falls out in a big way with Wise Old Grandad and ends up marrying someone on the phone before divorcing her and marrying a famous tennis player. Eventually he is dropped for being too bad even for this team.

SB: Gee a lot happens to him. He sounds like a particularly unsavoury chap. Who are the other main characters?

OR: There's a couple of brothers. One is Butter Fingers - he is the worst wicketkeeper in cricket history and couldn't even catch a cold. The other is Little Slogger, so named because he tries to hit every ball for six. He also pretends he is a teenager and wears green lipstick.

SB: My God, it sounds like the Addams Family.

OR: Then there is Mr Dignity, he becomes captain towards the end and impresses everyone with the way he speaks and manages the team. But the audience is left wondering if he has a nasty secret, which he may or may not share with Rehab Boy, a brilliant bowler who is banned for drug taking but comes back and becomes one of the best bowlers in the world. Again the audience is left wondering if he has retunred to his fomer waywardness. The other character is The Kid. The Kid is an 18 year old wunderkind from an impoverished background, who is regarded as the best bowler of his age in cricket history. He has film star looks and is the darling of the nation.

SB: Kind of a rags to riches tale?

OR: Exactly, but the audience is left wondering whether he, Rehab Boy and Mr Dignity have got into bed with bookmakers and deliberately bowled no-balls in exchange for money.  

SB: A lot happens in this film. Is it realistic, is the question I am asking myself? Tell me about the plot.

OR: Well the film follows the Homeless Team around the world for a period of around 18 months. The fact that the captain keeps being changed adds to the state of flux and continuous chaos surrounding the team. First of all, they win the World T20, but then Machiavellian Prince leads a revolt against Sensitive Captain and he resigns soon after.

SB: That sounds a bit stupid.

OR: Quite. Then Wise Old Grandad takes over. Rehab Boy and Little Slogger both do well in New Zealand and the team draw the series. Then just as the audience thinks that the team is on the up. Bang. They go to Australia and it all falls apart. They lose every match including one where Butter Fingers drops even more catches than usual and Wise Old Grandad proves to be a clueless captain. Then Tyrannical Despot goes insane like Hitler in Downfall and bans everyone. The players all come out to the press and say they hate each other. It's absolute chaos.

SB: Surely that wouldn't all happen. Where do you go from here?

OR: Then they appoint Mad Uncle as captain. You just know that it will end in tears but at first things improve. They get to the semi-final of the World T20 but snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. Afterwards Tyrannical Despot un-bans all the players he had banned but still won't pick Sensitive Captain.

SB: I suppose appointing Mad Uncle is a bit of a case of the blind leading the blind?

OR: Yes. Of course it does eventually end up in tears on the tour of England, when Mad Uncle resigns after losing his first test in charge against Australia.

SB: No that wouldn't happen. Who ever heard of neutral test matches? Too far-fetched.

OR: Bear with me. Then Mr Dignity becomes captain and Rehab Boy and The Kid destroy Australia in the next match. The team do their best to throw away the advantage but actually manage to win.

SB: Oh great. A happy ending.

OR: It's not over yet. Then they play England, but because Tyrannical Despot won't pick Wise Old Grandad and Sensitive Captain, the batting is too frail even though The Kid and Rehab Boy keep taking English wickets. But they do manage to win one match when Wise Old Grandad comes to the rescue on his charger.

SB: Is that all?

OR: Not yet. Just as people start thinking the team have a promising future, Mr Dignity, Rehab Boy and The Kid fall victim to a tabloid sting, which alleges they are taking money to bowl no-balls. Remember I mentioned that earlier?

SB: Cheating and fixing as well? My God, what happens in the end?

OR: We're still finalising that. Any suggestions?

SB: I'll have to ask my friends in the ICC (laughing). I'm a bit worried all this is a bit too far-fetched. Surely one team couldn't go through all this in only 18 months?

That was it. After the recording stopped, I asked O Rock what happened next. he said it was strange because the meeting ended abruptly when Studio Boss received a phone call and he never heard from him again. Indeed he told me that it was rumoured that Studio Boss had left the business - no one had seen or heard from him since. The project was canned.

Of course, in the light of recent events we discussed how remarkably similar all this was to what is happening with the Pakistan cricket team today. I asked O Rock when the meeting was and the name of the Studio Boss.

And that was the funny thing. O Rock told me that the meeting was in 2008. And the name of the studio boss was Ijaz Butt, one month before he took up his position as Chairman of the PCB...

England vs Pakistan: 2nd test - Pakistan marks out of ten

Another defeat for Pakistan looked inevitable right from Salman Butt's foolhardy call at the toss. Butt's move was intended to  be a positive one, but the negative strokeless approach of Pakistan's batsmen was always likely to be ill-advised and so it proved as they fell to an embarrassing 72 all out. Pakistan could have collapsed into disarray after that, but they didn't and Butt must take some credit for that. His side fought back on both the second and third days to first restrict England to 251 after at one time being 177 for two. Then  the lower order resisted on the third day to avert an innings defeat and at least set England a target. The replacements for Kamran Akmal and Danish Kaneira, Zulqarnain Haider and Saeed Ajmal, both did well. However, there are massive problems to correct before the Oval with the top six batsmen and the abysmal fielding.

Here is how the Pakistan players rated on the Reverse Sweep report card:

Imran Farhat - 5 Was far too negative in the first innings when making a 24 ball duck, but was starting to look good in the second after a lot of hard graft, before his off-stump was removed by a jaffa from Swann. 

Salman Butt - 3 Brave but ill-advised call at the toss had the wheels falling off the Pakistan bus from the start. And it didn't get any better for the captain with two more single figure scores. Looks like he couldn't buy a run at present.

Azhar Ali - 4 Full marks for perspiration but not many for inspiration. Faced a tortuous 32 balls for his duck in the first innings and took a further 15 balls to get his first run in the second. Will be annoyed that he eventually undid his patient work in his second knock to be bowled through the gate by Swann attempting a booming drive.

Shoaib Malik - 3 Shifted up to four to provide some experience and solidity and was promptly out cheaply in both innings. Throughout his career there have been questions raised about Malik's technique at test level and he did nothing to contradict the doubters at Edgbaston. Maybe he was too busy watching his back with Mohammad Yousuf returning to the scene?

Umar Akmal - 4 Clearly has bags of talent, but is low on confidence and suffering from habitual poor shot selection. Looks like he could do with a batting masterclass from the newly arrived Mohammad Yousuf.

Umar Amin - 5 Looked better at six and got starts in both innings. Drives well, but perhaps this tour has come a bit early for this youngster? Struck again with his golden arm, as Trott joined North and Watson as Amin's test victims.

Zulqarnain Haider - 8 Kept tidily in the first innings with the only blemish being spilling an inside edge from Pietersen, but missed a couple of chances off Ajmal's bowling in the second. Nearly bagged a king pair but then showed bundles of character and quality to lead a lower order fightback. All in all, an extremely promising debut. Kamran who?

Mohammad Aamer - 7 Bowled and batted with a lot of heart without getting the wickets he deserved. Hung around for 117 balls for a resilient 16 in the second innings and looks to have the technique to develop into a good number seven. No wonder there are so many comparisons with Wasim Akram.

Umar Gul - 5 Will be devastated that his hamstring will prevent him playing on the expected reverse swing friendly pitches at The Oval and Lord's. Pakistan will miss his quality and experience.

Saeed Ajmal - 8 Where has he been? Bowled with guile and excellent variations in pace and flight to bag a five for as a number of England batsmen failed to pick him. Then scored a spirited first test fifty despite being battered and bruised by the England quicks. Has consigned Danish Kaneira to spending the rest of the summer at Essex. Lucky Danish.

Mohammad Asif - 7 Was his usual reliable self with the ball without grabbing the number of wickets he deserved. Must wish that he played in a team with better batsmen and fielders who can actually catch the ball.

Cricket Zeroes: Shoaib Malik

Last week saw the birth of our 'Heroes & Zeroes' feature, where each weekend we will offer up a cricketing hero on the Saturday and a zero on the Sunday. David Gower and Chris Lewis were the first to star and it doesn't take a rocket scientist to work out which one was the hero!

This week's Sunday zero is Mr Machiavelli himself, Shoaib Malik.

Zero 2: Shoaib Malik (31 tests, 1600 runs @34.78, HS 148, 21 wickets at 60.52 - as at 5th Aug 2010)

Currently exhibiting his talents in the 2nd test at Edgbaston, Malik seems a particularly unsavoury character if reports emanating from Pakistan - especially over the last 18 months - are to be believed.

Here are a few reasons why Malik is a Reverse Sweep zero:

1. The king of conspiracy - It would seem that Malik was the leader of the group of players who undermined Younis Khan's and Mohammad Yousuf's stints as Pakistan captain. We are not keen on turncoats and snipers here at the Reverse Sweep.
2. Hardly captain material - Malik's ambition seems to be to regain the captaincy he briefly held in 2007. But given his record and the fact that he is in and out of the Pakistan side like a yo-yo, we think that Malik should concentrate on trying to retain his place and leave the captaincy to his betters.
3. An average player - Although he can be effective with the bat in limited overs cricket, Malik's record in test cricket hardly inspires confidence. That would be fine except Malik obviously sees himself as a cross between Javed Miandad and Mushtaq Ahmed, which he clearly isn't on either count.
4. Match fixing & under-performance - Back in 2005, Malik was banned for one test for admitting to deliberately losing a domestic Twenty 20 match. That is cheating in our book, and we can't abide cheats and match-fixers.
5. Phone sex - Anyone that gets married over the telephone to someone they have only met on the internet and is then surprised that they turn out not to be as drop dead gorgeous as they said they were is probably a bit delusional, and certainly a bit stupid. This was the tale of Malik and his first wife. 

The never-ending soap opera of Pakistan cricket

So, Mohammad Yousuf rides into town on his trusty white steed to save the Pakistan cricket team from further ignominy after the heavy defeat at Trent Bridge. Captain Salman Butt and Coach Waqar Younis were apparently not consulted. It seems a strange decision on a number of counts.

Firstly, Yousuf has not played any serious cricket since March and was supposedly 'retired' from international cricket. Two, if an experienced player was sent for, would it not have made more sense that it was Younis Khan, who at least has played county cricket in the last month or so? Three, why not give the youngsters a go - if you pick 'em, stick with 'em. 

Finally, the introduction of Yousuf into the dressing room could be akin to tossing a grenade into an army barracks. You'd certainly want to be the fly on the wall when Yousuf and Shoaib Malik are reacquainted for the first time. Poor old Salman Butt.

Looking back over the last 18 months, it has certainly been a helluva ride for Pakistan cricket. Resignations, retirements, conspiracies, defeats snatched from the jaws of victory, suspensions, high-class fast bowling, batting collapses and comical wicketkeeping have all featured. The highlights include:

1. March 2009: The terrorist attack on the Sri Lankan team bus in Lahore, which meant that Pakistan can not play at home for the foreseeable future.
2. June 2009: Pakistan winning the World T20 in England with Umar Gul and Shahid Afridi to the fore. Captain Younis Khan seems set for a long reign.
3. July 2009: A topsy-turvy test series with Sri Lanka is lost 2-0 after Pakistan lose the first test when only chasing 168 for victory and then the second after being bowled out for 90 in the first innings, and collapsing in their second innings from 285 for one to 320 all out. They also lose the one day series 3-2. This is where the first conspiracies against Younis' captaincy were said to have occurred with Shoaib 'Machiavelli' Malik the rebel leader.
4. September 2009: Pakistan make the semi-finals of the Champions Trophy in South Africa before losing a game they should have won to New Zealand.
5. November 2009: The action then moves to Dubai, where a one day series is lost 2-1 to New Zealand, before Pakistan beat the same opposition 2-0 in the Twenty 20's that follow.
6. November 2009: Younis quits the captaincy and takes a break from international cricket due to the machinations of Malik and his band of brothers. Yousuf takes over despite Malik manoeuvring behind the scenes himself for the captaincy.
7. December 2009: Despite Umar Akmal announcing himself as a real talent on debut, Pakistan lose a cracking test to New Zealand in Dunedin. Mohammad Asif inspires a win in the next test at Wellington, before rain saves Pakistan at Napier. A 1-1 series result is pretty good considering.
8. December 2009 - February 2010: The Pakistan cricket team becomes more akin to a squadron of kamikaze pilots as they lose every international on the tour of Australia. The ramifications of the lost test at Sydney still linger to this day.
9. March 2010: In their infinite wisdom, the PCB decide after an enquiry into the Australian tour to hand out indefinite bans to Yousuf and Younis, one year suspensions to Malik and Rana Naved and fines to Shahid Afridi and the Akmal brothers. Yousuf announces his immediate 'retirement' from international cricket as a result.
10. April / May 2010: A weakened Pakistan side manages to get out of its group at the World T20 in the Caribbean before Michael Hussey breaks their hearts again in another semi-final where Pakistan snatch defeat from the jaws of victory..
11. June 2010: The bans on Younis and Malik are rescinded on appeal, with Afridi (who hasn't played a test for four years) handed the reins in all forms for the forthcoming Asia Cup and tour of England. Despite being reprieved, Younis is bizarrely left out of all the squads. Yousuf talks of coming back if Pakistan needs him.
12. June 2010: Pakistan perform well at the Asia Cup but bow out after losing tight matches to India and Sri Lanka. Afridi makes hundreds against Sri Lanka and Bangladesh, with spirit and unity seemingly returning to the Pakistan team.
13. July 2010: After beating Australia in two Twenty 20 matches, Pakistan lose the test and their captain at Lord's after Afridi amazingly retires from test cricket after just one game as captain. Salman Butt is handed the poisoned chalice. Pakistan then win a brilliant test at Headingley, after bowling the Aussies out for 88 to square the series, although they do their best to muck up the run chase.
14. August 2010: After suffering a heavy defeat to England at Trent Bridge, with Kamran Akmal having a nightmare behind the stumps, Yousuf is called up to strengthen the batting line-up whilst Danish Kaneira is banished to Essex and county cricket . Whether Yousuf arrives fit enough and in time (and with the requisite visa in hand) for the second test is anyone's guess. But you just can't take your eyes of this particular soap opera. What will happen next?

England vs Pakistan: 1st test - Pakistan marks out of ten

After the euphoria of the Headingley win over Australia, Pakistan came crashing down to earth with a bump at Trent Bridge. The margin of victory didn't tell the whole story however, as on Saturday afternoon with England 98 for six, some Pakistan supporters may have been sensing an unlikely victory.

However, the Pakistan batting is in such a parlous state that even chasing a target of 120 would have probably been beyond them. To say the batters let down the star pace trio of Mohammad Asif, Mohammad Aamer and Umar Gul would be a massive understatement.

The PCB have now pressed the panic button and sent for the cavalry in the shape of the supposedly 'retired' Mohammad Yousuf. That the Pakistan batting needs more quality and experience is a given, but bringing back Yousuf who has not played first class cricket since March seems strange when Younis Khan is also available and has recently played county cricket for Surrey.

The treatment of Danish Kaneira is even worse. Yes, he had an appalling match at Trent Bridge, but he did reasonably well against Australia and to send a man with 261 wickets back to county cricket rather than working with him in the nets seems very peculiar.  

Salman Butt certainly has a lot on his hands, not least the interesting prospect of brokering some sort of peace deal between Yousuf and Shoaib Malik, who have been at daggers drawn for some time. According to Cricinfo, Butt and team coach Waqar Younis were not even consulted about Yousuf's inclusion so the next few weeks could provoke yet more turmoil in the mad world of Pakistan cricket.

Here are the marks out of ten for the XI who played at Trent Bridge:

Imran Farhat - 6 Of the Pakistan top five, Farhat was the best of a bad bunch as at least he fought and stuck around for a while in both innings. The ball from Anderson that bowled him in the first innings was an absolute cracker that better batsmen than Farhat would have struggled to keep out.

Salman Butt - 4 Two single figure scores from the captain, with his dismissal in the second innings being particularly disappointing. Only two matches into his captaincy, Butt now has the interesting prospect of reintegrating the precious Yousuf back into the fold.

Azhar Ali - 4 Foolishly didn't refer his dismissal in the first innings, where he was caught after the ball clipped his pocket and then made a duck in the second innings. Should be retained however, as Azhar looked pretty good against the Aussies.

Umar Amin - 3 Likely to be the fall guy who has to make way for Yousuf, and to tell the truth looks a bit out of his depth at this level. The folly of playing two inexperienced players at three and four cost Pakistan dearly here.

Umar Akmal - 3 Poor dismissals in both innings having only scored four runs each time. The good impression he made in New Zealand and Australia over the winter is fading fast. Is it a lack of confidence or over-confidence?

Shoaib Malik - 6 Looked the most assured of all the Pakistan batsmen in the first innings other than Gul and also took a couple of wickets with his offbreaks. We wonder how much Malik is looking forward to his reunion with Yousuf? Oh, to be a fly on the wall of that particular meeting.

Kamran Akmal - 1 The wicketkeeper was going to have to go some to beat his Sydney flop, but he may just have managed it here. Stood too far back, so missed getting Morgan early during his hundred, dropped a straightforward chance to reprieve Strauss and then there was the astonishing missed stumping of Collingwood. To cap a thoroughly miserable match, Akmal then bagged a pair. Gets a point for his stunning catch to dismiss Pietersen in the second innings, although even that was a bit fortunate given that it stuck in his webbing.

Mohammad Aamer - 8 Showed more application with the bat than any of his supposed specialist batting colleagues, and bowled with heart, fire and skill throughout the game. A real talent.

Umar Gul - 8 Bowled like a drain in the first innings, but his brilliant 65 not out saved Pakistan from the follow-on. This seemed to inspire him and his bowling rhythm returned in the second innings with three deserved wickets.

Danish Kaneira - 2 A game to forget for Kaneria with 1 wicket for 171 from only 33 overs, but does he deserve to be sent back to Essex? A man with 261 test wickets deserves better.

Mohammad Asif - 8 Bowled beautifully on the second morning to inspire an England collapse and then reached his century of test wickets in only his 20th test to equal Waqar's Pakistan record. Rated the second best bowler in the world, and looked every inch of it. Like Aamer and Gul, deserves to be playing in a side with a stronger batting line-up.

Historic India-Pakistan summit flounders due to cricket diplomacy

News reaches the Reverse Sweep that the top secret peace summit between the Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh and the Pakistani President Asif Zardari had gone surprisingly well. It is understood that historic agreements on nuclear disarmament and the future of Kashmir had been drafted and were ready for signature.

Then the discussion moved to cricket, which according to the leaked and as yet unsubstantiated transcript changed the atmosphere completely.

And it all started so well:

Manmohan Singh: "By the way, congratulations Mr President on your cricket team's momentous victory over Australia at the weekend. 15 years is a long time"

Asif Zardari: "Why thank you Prime Minister. It was indeed a great day, although our batsmen did their best to bugger things up"

MS: "Yes, I saw that. Dougie, Hilfy and Mummy's Boy nearly did it. Damn them. Er I mean, batting isn't exactly your strongest suit, is it?"

AZ: "Spot on. As you probably know our best batsman retired in a huff after completely cocking things up in Australia. He is behaving like a spoilt child and keeps dropping hints to the press that he is ready to come back. Then our next best batsman also threw his toys out of the pram, because his predecessor as captain was conspiring behind his back. What does he expect? This is Pakistan after all. So, we've got a couple of school kids that Chairman Butt bumped into in the street at three and four. Then young Umar Akmal is sulking because he didn't get an IPL contract, and don't even get me started on Afridi..."

MS: "Yes, I can see your problem. Our challenge is entirely different. Our bowling attack is hopeless. Zaheer is injured and that leaves only Bhaji. Do you know, the reason why Murali said that Bhaji could challenge his 800 wickets?"

AZ: "No, go on"

MS: "Everyone thought that he was being generous. But that wasn't why. Murali based it on the fact that Bhaji would be bowling with the likes of Ojha, Sreesanth, Sharma, Mishra and that useless fool Munaf Patel for the next few years"

AZ: "Perhaps, it may help that in the spirit of our accord that I tell you that Munaf is actually a saboteur planted by the ISI and the PCB"

MS: "That explains a lot. Well, in return I'd better tell you that the same is true for Shoaib Malik. You know we couldn't believe it when you made him captain!"

AZ: "That, I am not surprised about. He still wants to be captain, you know"

MS: "Even the PCB wouldn't be that stupid, would they? We are already 1-0 down to Sri Lanka and I hear from my aides that the bowlers are being flayed to all corners of the ground in the second test too. Bang goes our number one ranking"

AZ: "You know perhaps our countries should reunify? With our bowlers and your batsmen, we could take over the world. We could even get Bangladesh onside too. Then we would have that great opening batsman of theirs as well"

MS: "That would be amazing to have Imrul Kayes in a reunified team. You know, that is a great idea. This summit could put Gandhi, Jinnah and Nehru all into the shade"

AZ: "But what would we call this new country?"

MS: "Well, it would obviously be called India. That was the name before partition and that should be the name after reunification"

AZ: "Why, you empire building filth. That is a massive insult to Pakistan. I will sign no such accord"

MS: "Don't you raise your voice with me. All deals are off, I'm leaving"

AZ: "I withdrew first. I want that put in the official transcripts"

At this point our source advises that the respective aides moved in to separate the two leaders from exchanging blows. The region and the world will never know how close it came to a truly historic peace accord. Cricket, you see raises passions. Not all of them healthy. But a team comprised of India's batsmen and Pakistan's bowlers would indeed be tough to face. We're not sure whether Imrul Kayes would get in the XI though. 

Pakistan vs Australia - Pakistan marks out of ten

Pakistan cricket can be accused of a lot of things but boring is not one of them. Accordingly, a wonderful test match at Headingley had a fittingly nail biting ending before Pakistan finally threw the monkey off their backs and beat Australia in a test match for the first time since Mushtaq Ahmed spun them to victory at Sydney in 1995.

It may only have been a two match series, but the MCC Spirit of Cricket Series saw Pakistan field two captains after Shahid Afridi lost his marbles at Lord's. Salman Butt made an impressive start to his reign. He even showed he had that most important of assets a captain needs. Luck. Both times he brought on the part-time medium pace of Umar Amin he was rewarded with a wicket.

Despite possessing arguably the best pace attack in world cricket at the moment (although South African supporters may question that), Pakistan are far from the finished article. Butt is the only batsman who has sufficient experience and class and the side could do with at least one of Younis Khan or Mohammad Yousuf; both of whom average over 50 in test cricket.

That said, some of the ingredients are there to suggest that Pakistan are going to be competitive against England in the forthcoming series. Here are the Reverse Sweep marks out of ten for those that played in the two games against Australia.

Salman Butt - 8 (213 runs, Average 53.25, HS 92): Looked a class apart from his batting colleagues at Lord's, where he should have converted at least one of his fifties into a big hundred. Then from the chaos of Afridi's resignation, he captained the side with aplomb at Headingley. Now needs to get that batting average where it belongs for someone with his talent - over 40.

Imran Farhat - 7 (138 runs, Average 34.50, HS 67): Gets an extra point for his patient and composed 67 in the run chase at Headingley. He may not be the most popular player amongst his own supporters judging by comments on Twitter or Test Match Sofa, but the talent is there. Needs to make his Headingley knock the template for the future.

Azhar Ali - 7 (139 runs, Average 34.75, HS 51): Dropped in at the deep end for his first two test matches at number three and showed plenty of promise. His century partnership with Farhat in the second innings run chase at Headingley should have set up a comfortable win. Looks like he could develop into a decent test match batsman if given a run in the side.

Umar Amin - 4 (59 runs, Average 14.75, HS 33. 2 wickets, Average 9.50): Another debutant thrown to the wolves. Difficult to judge on just two matches, but with Butt suggesting Pakistan will resist the urge to send an SOS for Yousuf or Younis, we should know more about Amin by the end of the summer. Would seem to have a bit of a golden arm with the ball though - just ask Marcus North or Shane Watson.

Umar Akmal - 3 (56 runs, Average 14.00, HS 22): Immensely talented (as he showed on debut against New Zealand) but needs to learn to slip out of Twenty 20 and one day mode when compiling a test innings. Played some outrageous shots in the two games, mostly at inappropriate times. Needs to go back to the drawing board.

Shahid Afridi - 5 (33 runs, Average 16.50, HS 31): He came, he slogged, he retired. If he had hung around for another hour in the first innings at Lord's we would have been talking about one of the great counterattacking test innings. Of course, the script was very different. His brief captaincy though does seem to have brought some spirit and unity back into the Pakistan cricket side.

Shoaib Malik - 5 (36 runs, Average 18.00, HS 26): Mohammad Yousuf's best friend replaced Afridi at Headingley and as so often in his stop-start test career, Malik left many observers questioning whether he is good enough for the five day format. If Pakistan do send for Yousuf or Younis, it should be Malik who makes way.

Kamran Akmal - 6 (74 runs, Average 18.50, HS 46): Actually looked like a test class wicketkeeper again after the horrorshow of Sydney. His three quickfire boundaries in the second innings at Headingley finally settled the match in Pakistan's favour. Still doesn't justify his ability with the bat consistently enough though especially with his side's long tail.

Mohammad Aamer - 9 (11 wickets, Average 22.27, BB 4/72): This boy is going to be special. Wasim Akram has already conceded that Aamer is better than he was at the same age, which tells you all you need to know. Has wonderful variations of attack and a cunning brain. Has now dismissed Ponting four times in five tests, which will make him popular with England supporters. And he is only 18.

Umar Gul - 8 (8 wickets, Average 23.62, BB 4/61): The third part of Pakistan's fearsome pace triumvirate bowled well in both matches especially in the second innings at Lord's. Will hope for a hot English summer so that he can get his reverse swing going.

Mohammad Asif - 9 (11 wickets, Average 23.00, BB 3/30): Has unerring accuracy and it would seem comes from the same school of metronomic bowling as Glenn McGrath. Has 94 wickets from 19 tests at an average of 23.18. With controversy now behind him, Asif could now be set to challenge Dale Steyn for the title of the best seamer in the world.

Danish Kaneira - 6 (6 wickets, Average 34.33, BB 2/49): Played the support role to his trio of pacemen and did a decent enough job. Wouldn't have enjoyed his treatment from fellow leggie Steve Smith in the Australian second innings at Headingley.   

Pakistan tear up the script to dismay Hollywood

The cameras have been running for three days. The setting may be different but there had been an uncanny resemblance to the original as the scenes were shot.

Ricky Ponting won the toss, Australia then duly collapsed like an ageing rock star after a three day drink and drug fuelled bender. Pakistan took a first innings lead without ever looking assured in the middle. Then Australia had fought back and set Pakistan a tricky target of 180.

Sure some things were different - Michael Hussey left his Superman cape at home this time and Kamran Akmal actually caught the bloody ball in the Australian second innings; even threatening for times to look like a competent test wicketkeeper. Rookie Steve Smith threatened to take the Oscar after an incredibly compelling cameo performance and Salman Butt refused to slip into the ultra-defensive mode of Mohammad Yousuf.

Yes, the Hollywood remake of the Pakistani tragedy movie "Sydney" was looking like it would provide an authentically similar ending. The PCB were even sharpening their knives for the captain, Akmal brothers and the pantomime villain figure of Shoaib Malik. 

But then Pakistan decided to improvise and throw away the script. Sure, Butt provided the requisite tame dismissal, but Imran Farhat and another rookie Azhar Ali then forgot the roles they were supposed to be playing. Instead of being nervous, they looked assured. Instead of giving their wickets away, they steadily knocked off the runs.

The Australian bowlers forgot their lines too especially the notoriously absent-minded Mitchell Johnson. It seemed the absence of the hitherto bit-part player Nathan Hauritz also meant the remake was unravelling. Shane Watson too messed things up by dropping a simple chance to reprieve Farhat and then proceeded to wear his customary frown for the rest of the day as he returned to his usual role of the innocuous medium-pacer.

With the ending now looking very different, Hollywood bosses are said to be furious and their representative - let's call him John (apparently he is on first name terms with Shane Warne and Mark Waugh) - reportedly spent most of last night locked in the Pakistan caravan imploring the team to return to the agreed script.

But will Butt and co comply or are we in for a very different ending to "Sydney"? If so, maybe the Director could save face and call it a sequel. 

Shahid Afridi & the four captains of the apocalypse

This post was going to be about Australia and their readiness or otherwise for the Ashes. But the antics of Shahid Afridi means that this will have to wait.

Ricky Ponting must feel like the birthday girl, whose big day has been upstaged by the classroom joker setting off a stink bomb at her party. Even by the comical nature of Pakistan cricket, Afridi's retirement from test cricket and resignation after his first test as captain after a four year break from the five day game is quite astounding.

With endearing honesty, Afridi admitted that he didn't have the patience or mentality for test cricket and that the second match against Australia at Headingley will be his last test (if he is fit). He couldn't have put it more bluntly by stating that "With my temperament I can't play Test cricket," going on to admit that "a captain should lead by example which I did not. And if I played the way I played in this match it is better to leave." 

The many observers who predicted that an Afridi captaincy would end quickly and ignominiously have been proved right. This is a shame as there were signs in the World T20, Asia Cup and the Twenty 20's against Australia last week that Afridi could prove to be the unifying captain that Pakistan so desperately needed.

Afridi's dismissals in both innings were irresponsible but his Pakistan side did not descend into the rabble that they had in Australia. The first innings collapse was poor as was the body language when Ben Hilfenhaus and Doug Bollinger added 52 for the last wicket in Australia's 2nd innings. And handing 14 wickets to Shane Watson, Marcus North and Steven Smith smacked of carelessness. But given the hand dealt by the selectors in ignoring Younis Khan, Pakistan actually performed reasonably well at Lord's.

The Pakistan captaincy is becoming a poisoned chalice and Salman Butt may want to think twice if he is offered the captain's job for the test series against England. Since Inzamam retired in 2007, Pakistan has now had four test captains. Shoaib Malik lasted three tests, married someone he spoke to on the phone and has allegedly been a disruptive influence in the dressing room ever since. Younis Khan was next. He led the side to victory in the World T20 in 2009 before amidst more plots and conspiracies than a John Le Carre novel asked to be rested from the New Zealand tour last Autumn. 

Then Mohammad Yousuf had a go at the top job he had craved for so long, but was blamed for the disastrous tour to Australia by the PCB and banned indefinitely. Yousuf then announced his retirement and despite pleas from Afridi and even Chairman Butt himself, has shown no signs of reversing this decision.

Where does Pakistan cricket go from here amidst the aftermath of the four captains of the apocalypse?

Four captains in just over two years may sound a lot, but England once went through four captains in a series and five in less than a year. In 1988, Mike Gatting started the series with the West Indies as captain before an alleged misdemeanour with a barmaid led to him being sacked after the first test. John Emburey took over for the next two, both of which were lost. Then the selectors took leave of their senses completely and summoned Chris Cowdrey from county cricket and made him captain. He lasted one match before Graham Gooch was handed the 'honour' for the final test of the series.

Amazingly, new Chairman of the Selectors Ted Dexter decided four captains wasn't enough  and relieved Graham Gooch of the role and gave it to David Gower for the 1989 Ashes series making it five captains in less than a year. Even Pakistan has never had anything like this.

Finally, Afridi can count himself lucky in some respects. Lady Jane Grey was Queen of England for nine days following the death of Edward VI before she was overthrown by Mary and executed at the Tower of London. Although with Chairman Butt(head) anything is possible...  

Pakistan's replacements for Younis Khan and Mohammad Yousuf

We scoured the internet to find a picture of Azhar Ali and Umar Amin - effectively the two replacements for Younis Khan and Mohammad Yousuf at numbers three and four in the Pakistan batting order playing against Australia at Lord's.

This was the only picture we could come up with.

I suppose it is hardly surprising then that both debutants looked a little bit out of their comfort zone against world class bowlers on a seam friendly track. As Alan Hansen once said "you won't win anything with kids".

Only Pakistan could ban their best batsman (Younis) indefinitely, then lift the ban and not pick him for the touring squad. But to then compound the situation and suspend Shoaib Mailk, rescind his ban and pick him for the squad, but then not select him for the XI is an interesting decision to say the least. We wonder where Yousuf stands on his 'retirement' now if he is watching the action? 
 

If cricketers were World Cup footballers...

During the World Cup, we couldn't help noticing the similarities between some of the teams and players with their counterparts in cricket. The most obvious example of course, being the dysfunctional French team with the equally chaotic pakistan team of the last 12 months.

We've noticed several other doppelgangers as well.

Cristiano Ronaldo and Kevin Pietersen - Both are supremely talented, but also ever so slightly in love with themselves and a bit fey. Like to be centre of attention and divide opinion like no other in their respective sports so that you either love them or hate them. Incidentally, we love KP at the Reverse Sweep but hate Ronaldo - see what we mean?

Lionel Messi and Sachin Tendulkar - By contrast these superstars go about their respective business of scoring (or creating) goals and runs with professionalism and decorum. Both also are considered by many as the second greatest in their sports behind Maradona and Bradman.

Franz Beckanbauer and Shane Warne - Both enjoyed rubbing English noses into the ground during glittering careers, and both now reserve their ire for their former foes through the press. Warney has already questioned England's chances of retaining the Ashes this winter and Der Kaiser made several barbs against Fabio Capello's men in South Africa. Let's hope at least Warne is wrong.

Steven Gerrard and Michael Clarke - Although both Gerrard and Clarke are good players they are perhaps rated better than they actually are. Clarke was a poor choice as Australian Twenty 20 skipper and the downbeat Gerrard has proved just as bad for England in the World Cup. The similarities don't end there as anyone who has witnessed the two of them in their say a lot, say nothing press conferences.

Mauricio Espinosa and Daryl Harper - Espinosa was the linesman who failed to spot that Frank Lampard's shot had gone over the line. Just as in need of a trip to Specsavers is the diabolical Harper who's performance in the recent South Africa-England series made Espinosa look like he has 20/20 vision in comparison. Espinosa may be blind, but Harper is both blind and deaf given that he missed the audible edge from Graeme Smith when sitting in the video umpire's chair.

 

John Terry and Shoaib Malik- If Mohammad Yousuf is to be believed then Malik was the chief mutineer amongst the Pakistan players that so unsettled his and Younis Khan's captaincies. Terry tried and failed to launch a mutiny amongst the England camp in South Africa - if he changed his name to Jean Thierry, he may have been more successful.

Jonathan Trott / Craig Kieswetter and Miroslav Klose / Lukasz Podolski - England have populated their cricket side with South Africans like Trott and Kieswetter and reaped the rewards. Similarly, Gerrmany have rebuilt its football side with non-Germans such as the sharpshooting duo of Klose and Podolski. Fabio Capello now knows how Ricky Ponting feels.

Nicolas Anelka and Andrew Symonds - Les enfants terribles. Anelka was sent home early from the World Cup for supposedly calling France manager Raymond Domenech to "Go fuck yourself, you son of a whore", whilst amongst Symonds' many misdemeanours, he was sent home from the World T20 in England last summer for being drunk.

Robert Green and Herschelle Gibbs - Gibbs famously dropped the World Cup according to Steve Waugh's famous sledge. Green didn't actually drop the World Cup as England clearly were never going to win it, but his butter fingers will prove to be as equally indicative of his team as Gibb's drop was of his team of chokers.

Patrice Evra and Chris Gayle - Both were captain's of teams that refused to train or play. Evra will not go down in history as a great French leader like De Gaulle or Napoleon; indeed he even makes Sarkozy look good in comparison. 

Wayne Rooney and Yuvraj Singh - Both turned up patently unfit to their country's big tournament of the year and proceeded to underperform, although Rooney at least had the excuse of being injured rather than have eaten too many poppadoms.   

Afridi's not so subtle bid for the Pakistan captaincy pays off

We expect that we were not the only ones who saw Shahid Afridi's announcement that he was ready to play test cricket again as a not so subtle bid to be appointed as Pakistan's captain in all formats of the game.

And lo and behold, only a few days after Afridi's announcement, he has been duly named as captain for the forthcoming Asia Cup and tour of England, where Pakistan will play tests against Australia as well as England. With the last three captains either 'retired' (Mohammad Yousuf), indefinitely banned (Younis Khan) or suspended (Shoaib Malik), then Afridi seemed to be the most logical choice as captain; if indeed logic and Afridi can be used in the same sentence. Unexpectedly, the announcement of Afridi as captain was coupled with Younis and Malik both being named in the 35 man list of probables, subject to their appeals (which presumably will be upheld now) and also a return to the fold for Shoaib Akhtar. 

Afridi is prone to the odd brainstorm such as pirouetting on pitches or munching on cricket balls, but at least he seems to really care about doing his best for his country, which isn't necessarily the same for some of his erstwhile team mates if certain videos are anything to go by. Yes, Rana Naved, we are talking about you. It is understood that Afridi insisted on the inclusion of Younis, Malik and Akhtar, which suggests previously unseen maturity and that he holds strong sway with the PCB. 

With all the furore currently surrounding Pakistan cricket, maybe the best thing it needs is the excitable Afridi as captain. Don't expect much in the way of tactical astuteness, but there will be plenty of endeavour and no-one will dare take their eyes off the action with Afridi pulling the strings on the field; Afridi doesn't do boring or understatement. Five day cricket represents unfinished business as well for Afridi. He hasn't played a test match since 2006, and now he has an opportunity to prove his abundant talent in the most challenging format of the game.

Whatever happens it is likely to be a memorable summer: Afridi as captain, Younis and Malik sharing a dressing room and even the unexpected icing on the cake of Shoaib Akhtar potentially making another comeback. Akhtar has now made more comebacks than Sinatra and will be hoping to put all the stories of genital warts and liposuction behind him as he eyes up some unsuspecting English and Australian batsmen in his sights.

Afridi is Pakistan's fourth captain since the start of 2009. He will be hoping that his reign is longer, less controversial and more successful than those of his three predecessors - the aforementioned Yousuf, Younis and Malik. Judging from Afridi's comment that "I don't think we should have too many expectations for Test cricket right now but I will try to get our ranking up to where it should be", he doesn't seem to be too confident. The Reverse Sweep wishes him all the luck in the World. He will certainly need it.

Is this the face of Shoaib Malik's first wife?

I saw on the BBC News site that Shoaib Malik has married Indian tennis star Sania Mirza in Hyderabad today.

A wedding is always a good new story and the fact that this involves a Pakistani cricketer marrying an Indian tennis star will hopefully help bring the populations of those two countries a little bit closer.

But the report did contain one mildly amusing element. Apparently, Shoaib had been married before to a woman he met over the internet, and as permitted by Islamic law, had married her over the telephone. 

And this is where the fun begins, because the report states that Malik's first wife had sent him photographs, which were of someone else, and that was the reason why the marriage was illegal.

Given Shoaib's ongoing spat with a certain ex-colleague, I wonder if said wife looked a little bit like this?

 

The real face of Ijaz Butt revealed...

Following the execution of Mohammad Yousuf and Younis Khan and the incarceration or shaming of Shoaib Malik, Shahid Afridi, Naved-ul-Hasan and the Akmal brothers, the real sinister face of PCB chairman Ijaz Butt is revealed...

Ijaz 'Davros' Butt and PCB daleks exterminate Pakistan cricket

Fans of Doctor Who and Pakistan cricket will be hoping that the Tardis lands at the HQ of the PCB as soon as possible after Ijaz Butt and his Dalek cronies decided that the best cure for Pakistan cricket's ills was to exterminate most of its best players.

 

As a result of the inquiry into the disastrous tour of Australia, Butt has taken unprecedented action and effectively sacked Mohammad Yousuf and Younis Khan from the Pakistan side for good. One year bans have been given to Shoaib Malik and Naved-ul-Hasan, and suspended sentences and heavy fines to the Akmal brothers and Shahid Afridi.

According to Cricinfo, the PCB said that "Mohammad Yousuf and Younis Khan, keeping in view their infighting which resulted in bringing down the whole team, their attitude has a trickledown effect which is a bad influence for the whole team should not be part of national team in any format." So the two have been exterminated forthwith, which is incredible given that even the leaders of the Royal Bank of Scotland were not dealt with so severely after they bought the bank and the UK economy to the brink of extinction.

Malik and Naved have also apparently been punished for disruptive behaviour although the PCB statement didn't gp into detail. Certainly the spat between Yousuf and Malik over the captaincy plummeted to schoolboy levels, but bans seem a bit of an over -reaction to say the least.

The Akmal brothers were stunned rather than exterminated by the daleks for the farce following the Sydney test when Kamran insisted he would play at Hobart and Umar apparently feigned injury when his brother's exclusion finally became inevitable. And Afridi was fined for mistaking a cricket ball for an apple with the PCB spokesman explaining "for the shameful act of Shahid Khan Afridi, which has brought the game and country into disrepute, he be fined Rupees 3 million."Reportedly, Afridi was surrounded by daleks and was only spared after he begged for forgiveness.

So what next for Pakistan cricket? The situation is now such a mess that even the Doctor's sonic screwdriver may not be enough to save Pakistan from the abyss and the all powerful Davros Butt. 

Yousuf tells Malik "My Dad is bigger than your Dad"

The ongoing spat over the Pakistan captaincy between Mohammad Yousuf and Shoaib Malik reached a new low today when it is understood Yousuf taunted Malik with comments more reminiscent of a primary school playground.

The disagreement started over a week ago when Yousuf suggested one player was responsible for causing disharmony on the recent disastrous tour to Australia. He didn't name the player, but strongly hinted it was Malik. Since then Malik and Yousuf have traded blows in the press.

Malik's latest outburst was intended to rebuff Yousuf's comments "Yousuf's made some serious allegations against me and this time I am going to expose him publicly," he said. "I've always been a team man and have done nothing to spoil the atmosphere" he went on.

Yousuf retorted that the Pakistan Cricket Board had "made a big mistake" in appointing Shoaib as captain for the forthcoming T20 matches against England, adding that "It was during his captaincy that the culture of groups within a team took root and respect for senior players fell." 

It's all rather sad and indicative of the fact that the Pakistan cricket team is rapidly becoming a modern day version of the Keystone Cops, albeit without the humour. To be frank it is farcical.

The behaviour of both Malik and Yousuf is so childish that one is intended to believe that Yousuf has really resorted to the "my Dad is bigger than your Dad" outburst.

The only way to settle this is with a bout of good old fisticuffs, which would befit's the playground behaviour of the two protagonists.

I can just see it now, Yousuf calling Malik a big girl's blouse whilst Malik tries to pull Yousuf's beard.

Even Shahid Afridi's captaincy credentials are starting to look good now.