The Reverse Sweep

The worst Test XI of 2010

 
After picking our best Test XI of 2010, we thought it might be fun to look at who was top of the flops, so here in all their glory (or should that be failure?), is our worst Test XI of the year:

1. Imran Farhat (383 runs at 23.93) - Two fifties in 16 innings is pitiful for a test match opening batsman and from what we saw of him in the summer in England, a test match opener is not something Farhat should be for much longer. 

2. Imrul Kayes (292 runs at 20.85) - Not very good - make that clueless - against the short ball, which let's be honest is a prerequisite for a test match opener. When you consider that 2010 was actually Kayes' best year in test cricket, it tells you everything you need to know about his 'ability'.

3. BJ Watling (125 runs at 17.85) - As a test match top order batsman, BJ sucks (sorry, we couldn't resist that one). The worst of a series of mediocre cricketers to have worn the Black Cap in 2010.

4. Ricky Ponting (813 runs at 36.95) - Poor stats by his standards, but hardly disastrous until you take away his 209 at Hobart which leaves 604 runs at 28.76. Surrendered the Ashes and his dignity in an ugly spat with the umpires at what could prove to be his final test in Melbourne. Naturally, Punter captains this side of flops and miscreants.

5. Yuvraj Singh (94 runs at 23.50) - 2010 was an annus horribilis for the portly Yuvraj: out of runs and out of favour in the IPL, part of India's disastrous World T20 campaign and ejected from India's test side due to poor form and fitness before enduring chants of 'water boy' when performing 12th man duties. He did eat a lot of pies though.

6. Umar Akmal (365 runs at 24.33) - Why have one Akmal in your team, when you can have two? Started off the year, with many predicting big things for the youngest Akmal brother and ended it being best known for his green lipstick. May bounce back once he realises that Test cricket is not T20 and requires innings to be built.

7. Kamran Akmal (123 runs at 10.25; 27 catches) - Absolutely dreadful with bat and gloves. Started the year by serially dropping Mike Hussey at Sydney and then put in an even worse performance at Trent Bridge. By the time his replacement Zulqarnain Haider went AWOL, Pakistan still preferred either of his brothers behind the stumps to the butter fingered Kamran.

8. Xavier Doherty (3 wickets at 102) - Inexplicably plucked from obscurity by Australia's confused selectors and promptly sent back to whence he came after two dreadful performances - and with a first-class average of over 50, it was hardly a surprise. So bad that he makes the team ahead of Paul Harris.

9. Ben Hilfenhaus (18 wickets at 41.38) - Hilfenhaus actually looked Australia's best bowler in the two match series in India, but he has flopped badly in the Ashes with only four wickets at 73 apiece and has lacked any sort of variation. Actually makes the side because we had predicted he would be the leading wicket taker in the Ashes series. Whoops!

10. Rubel Hossain (9 wickets at 90.55) - Even by the standards of Bangladesh's powder-puff attack, Rubel was particularly inept and he conceded nearly five runs an over to boot in his six tests in 2010.

11. Brandon Bess (1 wicket at 92.00) - Made Australia's selection of Xavier Doherty look inspired. Bess was called-up as a late injury replacement against South Africa at Bridgetown and promptly bowled 13 overs for 92 runs with just  the solitary wicket of Paul Harris - which somehow seems rather apt.

Where next? 

Brandon Bess - The strangest test debutant of them all

Over-rated cricketers - Yuvraj Singh

Ricky Ponting's cataclysmic epitaph

Zeroes: Paul Harris

Zeroes: Kamran Akmal

Exclusive: The New Ten Point Pakistan Player Code of Conduct

Historic India-Pakistan peace summit flounders on cricket diplomacy

Pakistan cricket's next 11 crazy events

Read all the latest from our Ashes 2010/11 coverage

Check out all our Reverse Sweep heroes and zeroes

If you like this, follow us on Twitter @thereversesweep

Zeroes: Paul Harris

There is so much to dislike about Paul Harris it is difficult to know where to start.

Firstly, he is unfailingly shite and contravenes the Trade Descriptions Act for describing himself as a spinner. Indeed, you are more likely to encounter a Tasmanian Tiger on a pleasant stroll in the country than witness a ball from Harris that grips, turns or bounces - let alone all three.

Even the South African selectors recognised how bad Harris is when they called up the ineligible  Pakistan-born legspinner, Imran Tahir against England earlier this year to huge emabarrassment. The visible disappointment from captain Graeme Smith of having to go back cap in hand to Harris was palpable.

Being this bad, you'd think that Harris would try and remain as conspicuous as possible when he is on the field. Not a bit of it. First of all, he has highlights in his hair that would put Shane Watson to shame. And then there is his comical sledging and posturing. Finally, watching him bat has you reaching for the pills and razors. Urrrghh!

We present Paul Harris, the worst 'spinner' in test cricket, and without a shadow of a doubt a Reverse Sweep zero.

Spinners With Attitude (S.W.A) announce debut album

The increasing domination of international cricket by finger spinners has taken a new twist with Sulieman Benn and Ray Price joining forces to make a rock/rap album. The two have developed a reputation as 'in the face of the batsman' bowlers, something normally the sole reserve of mean fast bowlers such as McGrath, Ambrose and Fred Trueman.

Benn and Price readily admit that the project, named after the notorious gangsta rap act N.W.A, is intended to increase the profile of finger spinners and further intimidate cowing batsmen, with the end result being more wickets. Benn of course, was recently incarcerated following his threatening behaviour to the defenceless Brad Haddin and Mitchell Johnson (see picture). Now released, Benn has vowed vengeance on the pair and is relishing the challenge of putting Johnson's mum in her place as well.

Price admitted that the main reason behind his rise to number 2 in the ICC ODI bowler rankings is equally down to his menacing air and skill as a bowler. The pair hope to add Harbhajan and possibly Graeme Swann to their posse in the near future though completely refuted suggestions that Nathan Nauritz and Paul Harris were also in their sights. "They're pussies", was all Benn was prepared to say about the Australian and South African finger spinners. Price added that Hauritz was "meek" and Harris "a laughing stock" and that their gang credentials were "pretty much zero".

The album will be out at the end of March and includes tracks such as "I'm a finger spinner, twisted finger spinner" (a take on the Prodigy's "Firestarter", "Rebel Rebel", "No Wicket, You Die" (a twist on the Bob Marley classic 'No Woman, No Cry", and "I Kill Batsmen" (the Dead Kennedy's "I Kill Children" with amended lyrics).

International cricket's batsmen are reported to be quaking in their boots...

 

Harris under investigation for contravening SA Trade Descriptions Act

Sources tell me that the South African government is in the final stages of an investigation into whether Paul Harris has contravened the South African Trade Descriptions Act.

The investigation was started following video evidence provided from the third test match between South Africa and England at Cape Town, which finished on 7 January.

The video evidence mainly centred on the final days play when Paul Collingwood, Ian Bell and Graham Onions saw England to a narrow nine wickets down draw much to the frustration of Graeme Smith, Proteas supporters and so it seems the South African government.

Having checked a wealth of other materials including Wisden, CricInfo and transcripts of interviews with Harris himself, the investigators found that he was described by all as a slow left arm spinner.

However, on viewing the video evidence from Cape Town and that of several other test matches that Harris has played in, the investigators found no evidence of spin, turn or even a mild tweak. My source tells me the fact that JP Duminy was able to extract considerable spin and turn from the pitch was the final nail in the coffin for Harris.

Charges are expected to be brought shortly and Harris' place in the squad for the impending tour of India is expected to be in jeopardy.

Parity restored: South Africa's series marks out of ten

Graeme Smith and his men were cock-a-hoop after squaring the series at The Wanderers, although this will be tainted somewhat by the fact that they weren't able to take one more wicket at Centurion or Cape Town.

Here are my marks out of ten for the series for the Proteas:

Graeme Smith - 8: Centuries in the last two tests made him the leading runscorer in the series even if luck was on his side in both innings. Not the most attacking captain in the World, which certainly contributed to his side not getting over the line in Pretoria and Cape Town and loses him a point in the final analysis.

Ashwell Prince - 3: A shockingly poor return of 97 runs at an average of 13.85 suggests that South Africa will be looking for a new opener for the Indian tour. A decent player but not suited to opening.

Hashim Amla - 8: A solid series built around two big partnerships with Smith at Cape Town and Johannesburg. Given he was at the crease early most times he batted and did well, Amla could find himself opening in India.

Jacques Kallis - 8: Another good series for Mr Consistent with tons at Centurion and Cape Town and is still the wicket most prized by South Africa's opponents. Unsurprisingly after a rib injury, his bowling lacked the usual punch.

AB De Villiers - 7: Three fifties but only a highest score of 64 suggests that De Villiers needs to quell his impetuosity at times and take a leaf out of Kallis' book. The best fielder on either side.

JP Duminy - 6: Had a shocker as a batsman with a highest score of 56 and an average just over 16, which suggests he may not be the next great batsman that some have suggested. But as a bowler he outshone the lacklustre Harris and claimed eight wickets during the series including a spell at Cape Town that nearly won his side the match.

Mark Boucher - 9: Excellent with the gloves and even better with the bat scoring 341 runs at an average of 57 during the series. His 95 at Johannesburg took the game away from England after they had got back into the match on the third morning.

Morne Morkel - 8: When he was good he was absolutely devastating as 19 wickets in the series at 21 suggests, but is still at times frustratingly inconsistent as proved by his spell with the new ball on the final afternoon at Newlands.

Dale Steyn - 9: For once the ICC rankings are accurate as Steyn bowled like the best bowler in the World in the final two tests once back to full fitness. If he had played at Centurion, would England have survived?

Paul Harris - 4: A very poor series from a spinner who seems to get little spin and non-existent turn. The main reason why his side failed to finish off England at Cape Town. Outshone by the part-timer Duminy and may struggle to return to the side after being left at Johannesburg.

Friedal De Wet - 6: Devastating spell with the new ball in the final session at Centurion nearly won his side the test match. Was then overlooked for Durban and injured for most of the Newlands test. Will come again.

Makhaya Ntini - 3: Seemed to be way past his best at Centurion and Durban and that may be the last we see of him in test cricket. At least won his 100th cap at Centurion - a deserved reward for a fantastic career and a man who has transcended sport in his home country.

Wayne Parnell - 6: Made his debut at Johannesburg and took the scalps of Strauss and Pietersen as his first two test wickets. Extremely promising bowler who can expect to become a feature in the test side.

Ryan McLaren - 6: Also made his debut in the final test and took the important wicket of Collingwood in the first innings. Useful contribution with the bat as well.   

Heroes of Newlands

Anyone who says that test cricket is boring should be forced to watch a re-run of the final day's play of the 3rd Test yesterday at Newlands (and indeed the final day of the Sydney test between Pakistan and Australia for that matter).

It was absolutely riveting stuff and like many others I was glued to the commentary on Test Match Sofa (or Sky or TMS) and as per cricket tradition did not move from my seat for the whole day's play.

Unbelievably England performed their version of The Great Escape for the second time in this series and the third time in their last eight tests. Cape Town now joins its counterparts of Centurion and Cardiff in the Great Escape trilogy and in the annuls of England's most memorable test matches.

Four heroes and two further unlikely ones emerged from the final day. Without further ado here is the roll of honour:

The Heroes

Paul Collingwood- Collingwood has been the central figure and inspiration of all three rearguards and never mind the MBE, he should arguably be knighted for his heroism. Once again Collingwood arrived at the crease with England in a desperate position and once again he coolly set about his work. The doomsayers who were calling for his head after Headingley look rather stupid now. In the Great Escape trilogy his stats are 140 runs, 532 balls (88.4 overs) and 779 minutes (1 minute short of 13 hours) at the crease for twice out (like Cardiff he even got out near the end yesterday to make it interesting!). Incredible.

Ian Bell- If Collingwood was the undoubted foundation of yesterday's heroics, England wouldn't have escaped if others hadn't also stood steadfast. Step forward the unlikely figure of Ian Bell. Despite having all the talent in the World, Bell does not have the reputation of someone you can rely on in a crisis. Indeed, all of his test centuries have come when at least one other colleague has also made a ton. But he was magnificent yesterday and hopefully this will be the inspiration he needs to go on and justify his talent. Arguably, he is the most talented of all of England's batsmen but before yesterday also the mentally weakest.

Graham Onions- Lightning does strike twice. And just as at Centurion, Onions played out the final over with aplomb despite unbelievable pressure and tension. Once again Onions reduced the South Africans to tears with his bravery. Never in the history of cricket conflict has so much been achieved by such small knocks as Onions' 1 not out and 0 not out at Centurion and Cape Town respectively. Graeme Swann also deserves plaudits but on this occasion his achievements rank below those of Colly, Bell and Onions.

Dale Steyn - There was a South African hero too yesterday. Steyn bowled his heart out all day and his new ball battle with Collingwood evoked memories of the famous tussle between Allan Donald and Mike Atherton at Trent Bridge in 1998. I'm not a big fan of the ICC rankings system, but Steyn really did show why he is ranked as the top test bowler in the World even if he was unlucky and unrewarded on this occasion.

The unlikely heroes

Umpire Decision Review System - Now those that read my post yesterday will know that like many I am not a supporter of the UDRS. And I am not the only one. As I exclusively revealed the ICC had unfurled a desperate scheme to justify the UDRS in this test match in the shape of Daryl Harper. But the UDRS saved England when Collingwood facing his first ball was given out to a catch at slip by Kallis off Harris. Collingwood immediately called for the review, which showed that the deflection had come off his hip. Without UDRS, Collingwood would have gone and with it England's chances of saving the test. Maybe, just maybe, I am beginning to see the merits of the system now!

Paul Harris & the SA selectors - Maybe I am being a bit unfair, but never have I seen a test spinner who turns and spins the ball less (even Nathan Hauritz looks good in comparison). For the most part Bell and Collingwood were able to play him with consummate ease and Harris was even overshadowed by J.P Duminy, who is supposedly a part-time bowler. Maybe the South Africans will learn from this and Centurion that having a good spinner in your ranks is crucial to bowling out sides in the fourth innings of a match.

The Reverse Sweep is an irreverent take on the wonderful game of cricket. Follow posts from the Reverse Sweep here.