The Reverse Sweep

Two Indian bookmakers, a Bollywood actress and some New Zealanders

Two bragging and decidedly dodgy Indian bookmakers, a Bollywood actress and some New Zealanders. It sounds like the start of a very bad joke but in fact these are the central figures in the latest cricket corruption expose from the man behind the sting that led to the downfall of then Pakistan captain Salman Butt and his opening pair of fast bowlers Mohammad Aamer and Mohammad Asif.

Mazher ‘Fake Sheikh’ Mahmood is now an investigative journalist for The Sunday Times and it was the ‘English Cricket in bung scandal’ headline on the front page of this publication that nearly caused us to choke on our breakfast yesterday morning.

Fortunately, the actual article could best be described as ‘fanciful’ and seems entirely based on the testimonies of two Indian bookmakers including the unlikely named Vicky Seth.

Despite a number of references to corrupt New Zealanders, no cricketers are actually exposed as Butt, Aamer and Asif were on that fateful Sunday morning in August 2010. Indeed, the only vaguely interesting part of the story was the alleged use of a ‘well-known’ Bollywood actress as a honeytrap, which seems something as likely to ensnare Winnie the Pooh as it would a leading international cricketer.

The only other point of interest was claims that the second match of the recent Bangladesh Premier League was fixed, which given the rumours surrounding that particular tournament doesn’t come as any real surprise.

Whether any of what was written was actually true and not just a couple of not particularly ingenious bookies trying to obtain money under false pretences awaits to be seen, but the overwhelming sense we got was that it was an article that wouldn’t look out of place on Page 2 of Cricinfo – neither true, nor indeed funny.

Where next?

Sir Charles Colville and other cricket unthinkables

Check out our Cricket XIs

Check out all our Reverse Sweep cricket heroes and zeroes 

If you like this, follow us on Twitter @thereversesweep

Lord Condon reveals the extent of match-fixing and spot-fixing in cricket

The article by Lord Paul Condon, the first head of the ICC’s ACSU, in the London Evening Standard yesterday represented worrying reading.

Whilst most of us feared that the extent of match-fixing in the 1990s went beyond the few cricketers that were hung out to dry and ostracised from the game at the time, Condon made it clear that the stain on the sport was not confined just to the likes of Hansie Cronje, Mohammad Azharuddin and Salim Malik.

Indeed, Condon stated that match-fixing had been rife since the 1980s "in the late 1990s, Test and World Cup matches were being routinely fixed". He also said that “Every international team, at some stage, had someone doing some funny stuff."

Whilst Condon’s comments have provoked much consternation within the game, it does beggar the question why if things were as bad as he said were not more players investigated, banned and shamed. This is yet another stone to cast at the door of the ICC in the week that their much vaunted Test Championship has been postponed until at least 2017.

Condon suggests that by the time of the 2003 World Cup, the wholesale fixing of matches had been eradicated and the much more sophisticated practice of spot-fixing had taken over.

If Condon is right, then spot-fixing has been going on for more than eight years and if this disease has infected the premier international limited-overs competition and a Test match at Lord’s, one can only imagine how deep this curse runs in both international and domestic cricket across the globe. The trial of Mervyn Westfield in January next year will tell us more.

Condon is clearly suggesting that spot-fixing is as common in cricket today as other gambling past-times such as roulette, blackjack, slot machines or the increasingly popular online casino phenomenon are in the world at large. But whilst these are harmless and enjoyable ways of winning (or losing) money, the sinister growth of spot-fixing is most certainly not. 

In the wake of the sentences handed out to Salman Butt, Mohammad Asif and Mohammad Amir, we advocated some immediate steps for the ICC and the individual cricket boards to take. These included life bans for anyone found guilty, suspensions whilst investigations are undertaken and increased powers for the ACSU.

Cricket needs to wake up to the fact that it has a real problem and take the right steps to get its house in order. That means tough decisions and real action, not the fannying around that is the ICC’s current approach.

Where next?

Spot-fixing: What should the ICC do next?

Does Mohammad Aamer deserve compassion and clemency for admitting his guilt and showing remorse?

Revealed: New PCB Player Code of Conduct

Zeroes: Salman Butt

The contrarian erudite genius of Peter Roebuck 

Check out all our other Reverse Sweep cricket heroes and zeroes 

If you like this, follow us on Twitter @thereversesweep

Butt, Asif and Aamer guilty verdicts prompts more questions than answers

The guilty verdicts handed out yesterday to Salman Butt and Mohammad Asif sadly came as no surprise given the evidence and the fact that Mohammad Aamer had already entered a guilty plea at the outset of the trial.

But were the deliberate no-balls that eventually led to the trio potentially losing their liberty as well as their livelihood just the tip of a particularly foul smelling iceberg?

Whilst most of the claims of Mazhar Majeed made to the undercover News of the World reporter can perhaps be dismissed as fantasy, one in particular demands further investigation by the authorities.

Majeed also claimed to have Kamran Akmal, Umar Akmal, Wahab Riaz and Imran Farhat under his control, which if so prompts a number of questions about that England-Pakistan series alone.

For instance, Pakistan were bowled out for scores of 80, 72 and 74 over the four Test series. Was this down as it seemed at the time to England's masterful bowling attack or was there something far more sinister afoot?

Then taking each of the players in turn. Was Kamran Akmal's atrocious performance behind the stumps at Trent Bridge (and Sydney the same year for that matter) and pair in the same match simply evidence that he was the worst keeper in the history of international cricket? Or was he merely following orders?

Did brother Umar deliberately run himself out in the first innings at The Oval? What about Imran Farhat's bizarre 24 ball duck at Edgbaston? And then there was Wahab Riaz's five no-balls on debut at The Oval where like Aamer at Lord's, he starred with the ball.

The first reaction to the guilty verdicts is to ask what else was dirty. All the incidents referred to above could have been something or nothing. What are we to believe? This is the epitaph of Butt, Asif and Aamer's wanton selfish act.

People laughed at the match-fixing claims of Yasir Hameed and Zulqarnain Haider that followed in the wake of the News of the World bombshell. How are we to view these now?

To their credit, the current Pakistan side have recovered well from the stain that was visited upon them by the spot-fixing scandal of Lord's 2010. Under Misbah-ul-Haq's astute and steady leadership, their Test performances have been consistent and improving.

Slowly, but surely all of the seven players named by Majeed have been dropped from the Test side. Maybe this is a case of the PCB quietly repairing the damage that was wrought? Maybe it isn't. They uncovered deliberate acts of underperformance from certain members of the squad that toured Australia in 2009/10. Were these players just trying to get their favourite appointed as captain or were they being rewarded by unknown others?

Whilst we should perhaps take some satisfaction from the fact that Butt will now become Butt by name and Butthole by nature should he receive a custodial sentence, all cricket fans lost something in yesterday's verdict - especially the devoted and fanatical followers of Pakistan.

Prison may well be the safest place for Butt and his errant former new ball pair.

Where next - check out our other posts on the spot-fixing scandal?

Salman Butt, Mohammad Asif & some MCC members with a bow and arrow

Disgraced Butt, Aamer and Asif hit a new low

Zeroes: Salman Butt 

Is this the most blatant example of a fixed cricket match ever?

A canned Hollywood film about cricket, fixing and a homeless team

Spot-fixing: Mohammad Aamer & the potential waste of an irrepressible talent

England vs Pakistan: 4th test - Pakistan marks out of ten 

The next 11 crazy events involving the Pakistan cricket team

Revealed: New PCB Player Code of Conduct

Yasir Hameed: Better than Bradman?

Check out all our other Reverse Sweep cricket heroes and zeroes 

If you like this, follow us on Twitter @thereversesweep

Cricket XIs: Cricketing Criminals

 
Whilst not quite plunging to the depths of its Football cousin, Cricket has had its fair share of miscreants, scoundrels, cheats and downright rotters over the years. Here’s an XI of Cricket Criminals:

1. Mark Vermeulen – Assaulting a spectator, Arson: The former Zimbabwe batsman seems to be a couple of pennies short of a sixpence and in 2006, he really lost the plot. First, after being heckled during a Lancashire league match he reacted in a Cantonaesque fashion by first throwing the ball and then a metal boundary marker at a spectator. After being banned for a year he headed back home and promptly burned down Zimbabwe's cricket academy before twice demanding an audience with President Mugabe by banging on the gates of his presidential palace.

2. Navjot Sidhu – Culpable homicide: In December 2006, Sidhu – the veteran of 51 Tests for India - was found guilty and sentenced to a three-year prison term for culpable homicide. This followed a road rage incident in 1988, which left a 65-year old man dead from injuries inflicted by Sidhu. After an appeal, the Supreme Court stayed his conviction and sentence allowing Sidhu to contest and win the Amritsar parliamentary seat in February 2007. Politics seems an apt place for characters like Sidhu.

3. Peter Roebuck – Assault: The former Somerset captain was convicted at Taunton Crown Court in 2001 of assaulting three young South African cricketers he had offered to coach at his home in Devon. He had warned them beforehand that he would use corporal punishment if they failed to obey his "house rules", and subsequently caned all three boys on their buttocks at different times for “misbehaviour”. Roebuck escaped with a suspended jail sentence and destroyed reputation, admitting to the court that “obviously I misjudged the mood…” Quite. Roebuck scurried off to Australia where he is now a respected and brilliant cricket journalist.

4. Hansie Cronje, Mohammad Azharuddin, Saleem Malik, Salman Butt – Corruption, Match-fixing, Spot-fixing: Take your pick from this vile quartet of former international captains who all chose money and greed above their countries; corrupting younger team members and plunging cricket into crisis in the bargain. It’s a shame that the number 11 in our XI didn’t save a bullet each for this disgraced foursome although given Cronje’s demise in a plane crash we could save two bullets for Butt. Just to make sure. 

5. Jacob Martin – Alleged People Trafficking: Martin, who played 10 ODIs for India between 1999 and 2001, was arrested at the end of April 2011 after evidence that he had been involved in a human trafficking incident in 2003. It is alleged that Martin formed a bogus team as cover for trafficking a young boy into the United Kingdom. It seems there may be a silver lining though for Martin, as reports have recently confirmed that he has made Tihar Jail’s 1st XI.

6. King Henry VIII– Cricket: Whether Henry VIII (who surely could have an all-rounder in the mould of W.G Grace) should be considered a criminal depends on your viewpoint of history. But he did criminalise the entire game of cricket at the height of the Reformation in 1536 when he ordered the youth of the realm to practice archery instead of "frivolous" activities "such as cricket-a-wicket". It is not known whether Anne Boleyn’s execution in the same year had anything to do with her playing surreptitious games of cricket with her ladies-in-waiting and the King’s Privy Council. 

7. Edward Pooley – Gambling, Match-fixing: Pooley would have been England’s wicket-keeper in the inaugural Test in Melbourne in 1877. Instead he got himself into a spot of bother after taking a wager on one of MCC’s tour matches in New Zealand, which resulted in a violent disagreement and a court appearance. This meant he literally missed the boat to Australia. Unsurprisingly, Pooley was never selected again and died in poverty in 1907.

8. Chris Lewis – Cocaine Trafficking: The former England all-rounder was jailed for 13 years in 2009 after being found guilty of smuggling cocaine into Britain. Lewis hid the drug in liquid form in tins of fruit and vegetable juice stashed in his kit bag. He always was a bit of a lemon,  not exactly renowned for his intelligence during a career that promised much but delivered little. Perhaps the best example of Lewis’s lack of faculty came when he decided to shave his head on a tour of the West Indies, and was dubbed ‘The Pratt without a Hat’ after being forced off the field with sunstroke.

9. Montague Druitt – Alleged serial killer, Jack the Ripper suspect: Druitt could well be the most notorious cricket criminal of them all. He was found drowned in the River Thames at the age of 31 in 1888. A keen all-rounder, he represented Winchester College, and the Morden Cricket Club of Blackheath amongst others. But Druitt may have led a sinister double-life with many Jack the Ripper experts concluding that Druitt was the man responsible for the infamous Whitechapel murders.

10. Terry Jenner – White collar robbery: The rehabilitated cricket criminal. A leg-spinner who played nine Tests for Australia in the 1970s, Jenner’s life nosedived after retiring and by 1988 he had lost his liberty after being caught stealing from his employer to repay gambling debts. Released after 18 months of his six-and-a-half-year term, Jenner hooked up with a young blond Victorian leg-spinner and the rest is history.

11. Leslie Hylton – Murder: He may not be a household name, but Hylton – a fast bowler who played six Tests for the West Indies in the 1930s - is the only Test cricketer to have been executed - for murdering his adulterous wife. It doesn’t appear to have been a case of a miscarriage of justice either as Hylton’s defence that he had meant to shoot himself but missed fell apart when it was revealed that his wife’s body had just the seven bullets in it.

Where next?

An XI of cricketers that died young

An XI of unlikely World Cup heroes and a not so heroic 12th man

10 reasons why Ian Botham may have worn sunglasses at the premiere of 'From the Ashes'

Cricket Zeroes: Chris Lewis and Salman Butt

If you like this, follow us on Twitter @thereversesweep

Making match fixing allegations in cricket the modern way starring Hashan Tillakaratne

 

It must be the modern way.

In days of yore, a former international cricketer wanting to reveal tales of match fixing, would put on his coat and hat before making his way to his local ICC Corruption Office. Upon arrival, he would take a ticket, wait patiently in the queue and then when his number was called, move to a separate office for his interview with an ICC Corruption Officer. Et voila.

Now in keeping with our times, match fixing allegations are announced on a television show.

We’re not sure if Hashan Tillakaratne was appearing on the Sri Lankan equivalent of ‘Sri Lanka’s Got Talent’, or that the match allegations he subsequently made were in vain attempt to get the sympathy vote after his particularly poor ventriloquist act.

Perhaps with his near namesake Tillakaratne Dishan being made the new Sri Lankan captain, Hashan was sore at not being the most famous ex-Sri Lankan cricket captain called Tillakaratne anymore.

Whatever the reason, the bug seems catching and now, Arjuna Ranatunga has also since announced similar tales of match fixing skullduggery involving Sri Lanka stretching right back to 1992.

The deadly duo, like a modern day Morecambe and Wise (let's face it Ranatunga appears born for the part of the small, fat sidekick), have already left their audience gasping for more by promising more revelations in the coming days.

This story would appear to have some legs.

Where next?

County Championship XI of the week #4

Cricket Heroes: Aravinda de Silva

Cricket Zeroes: Salman Butt

Cricket Heroes: Sanath Jayasuriya

If you like this, follow us on Twitter @thereversesweep

Disgraced Butt, Aamer and Asif hit a new low

 
The Three Dishonorable Musketeers - Salman Butt, Mohammad Aamer and Mohammad Asif - have already been banned by the ICC for the spot-fixing fiasco at Lord's last summer and are now due to start the battle to save their liberty in the English courts.

Predictably, according to a report on the BBC, it seems that one and probably all of the disgraced trio will apply for legal aid to pay for the cost of their defence. 

Apparently they will cite that due to their suspension from cricket since September, they have not been able to earn any income.

Now Pakistan's players may not enjoy the riches received by their Indian cousins or indeed those that represent England and Australia, but they are hardly on the breadline.

Whilst we suppose that Aamer may have the basis of a claim given that he has only played international cricket for a couple of years, and Asif could cite several other episodes of lost earnings due to suspensions from the game for previous misdemeanours, the increasingly odious Butt has no such excuse.

Butt has been playing international cricket since 2003, and no doubt has accumulated considerably more wealth than most hardworking cricket fans and certainly the vast majority of his countrymen.

If Butt in particular receives even a penny from UK taxpayers, it will make a mockery of a system, which let's not forget is designed to ensure that those who really cannot afford to defend themselves in a court of law are provided with the means to do so.

So slippery Salman, instead of sponging off the state, perhaps you could do some more commentary or open another ice cream parlour in Tooting instead? The latter certainly seems to pay well. 

Where next?

Zeroes: Salman Butt

Mohammad Aamer: the waste of an irrepressible talent

Exclusive: The New Ten Point Pakistan Player Code of Conduct

England obviously don't want to win the World Cup; so what are they trying to do?

World Cup Heroes: Viv Richards

Read all our 2011 World Cup posts here

If you like this, follow us on Twitter @thereversesweep

Zeroes: Salman Butt

 
So Salman, it transpires that you are a reprehensible cheat after all and that you share more than just a name with Chairman Ijaz. You Butthead.

With your silver serpents tongue you nearly fooled everyone. You certainly fooled us.

Your unexpected elevation to the captaincy when that loon Afridi abandoned ship just after leaving port was like a breath of fresh air. Out of chaos came order, instead of back-stabbing we had harmony (of sorts) and a dark future for Pakistan cricket suddenly looked brighter.

At the centre of it all, you looked like a natural leader of men and spoke eloquently – as we now know you are good with words – and results improved. Two wins and two losses against stronger, better organised teams and with your two best batsmen (three if you count Misbah) not allowed to play was a promising start. Yes, there were batting collapses a plenty, but progress was clearly being made.

So why throw it all away? Why take the easy way out?

It’s bad enough that you went dirty and probably coerced Asif to do the same. But why get the kid involved?

Oh how you must have lied and tricked him - as bad as a paedophile grooming his prey or a serial killer stalking his next victim. He would have looked up to you and respected you. You were his captain. He was 18 for Christ’s sake. He would have thought that he had to do what you said. But you knew that didn't you?.

We’re sure you told him it was fine. That it wasn’t cheating. That he wasn’t letting down his country or team-mates. That everyone did it. What harm could it do? If he took six wickets, no-one would care. As we said, you’re good with words.

But you knew what you were doing. You’re an intelligent man. Not a wide-eyed, ill-educated boy. You knew you were making him dirty. You knew you were compromising him for the rest of his career.

The ICC should have thrown the book at you. Nothing less than a life ban. But you can consider yourself lucky. With half of your ban suspended, you got the same punishment as Aamer. Do you really think that is right?

Do you feel any guilt? Any remorse? Or are you just going to try and weasel your way out of it? How can you explain the money in your room? All the banks shut were they? Or did you bank with Lehman's and Northern Rock? There are only so many ice cream parlours you can say that you opened.

Why don’t you come clean and apologise like a man? Why don’t you reveal the whole sordid story and tell the ICC about the other times you cheated and who else was involved? You can probably even write a book about it. You like money.

You’ve let your country down, your team down, your supporters down, your sport down and yourself down. But most of all, you’ve let the kid down. Just remember that the next time you look in the mirror.

Where next?

Mohammad Aamer: the waste of an irrepressible talent

Zeroes: Ijaz Butt

Zeroes: Kamran Akmal

Heroes: Imran Khan

Exclusive: The New Ten Point Pakistan Player Code of Conduct

Historic India-Pakistan peace summit flounders on cricket diplomacy

Pakistan cricket's next 11 crazy events

The Worst Test XI of 2010

Check out all our other Reverse Sweep heroes and zeroes

If you like this, follow us on Twitter @thereversesweep

Is this the most blatant example of a fixed cricket match ever?

 
The disappearance of Zulqarnain Haider from the Pakistan team hotel in Dubai and his subsequent appearance in London has so far provided more questions than answers. We know that he alleges to have received death threats if he didn't help fix matches in the recent ODI series with South Africa, but we don't know the identity of any other players who may or may not have been involved.

One story that has emerged however, is that Zulqarnain confirmed that he had also been asked to include certain players in the Lahore Eagles side he has captained in domestic cricket.

This admission has refocussed attention on a match that would appear to be one of the most blatantexamples of a fixed match we have ever seen - the match between Haider's Lahore Eagles and a National Bank of Pakistan side (see scorecard) featuring a certain Salman Butt, Mohammad Aamer and Kamran Akmal during the Royal Bank of Scotland Cup in 2008-09.

NBP needed to win and drastically improve their net run rate to qualify for the semi-finals. Haider was relieved of the captaincy before the match despite having been captain for the rest of the tournament, and his side batting first made only 122 in just over 40 overs.

Now here is where the plot thickens. Firstly, Lahore opened the bowling with a debutant named Usman Sarwar, who conceded an amazing 78 runs in just three overs and who hasn't played another List A game since. This enabled NBP to chase down their total in only 6.1 overs with Butt scoring 92 not out off only 25 balls - even Virender Sehwag has never got near that strike rate.

You don't need to know anything about cricket to sense that something smells a bit fishy here. That is unless you are the PCB, who despite media reports to the contrary said it had found nothing untoward about the match. Why, does that not surprise us?

Where next?

Exclusive: The New Ten Point Pakistan Player Code of Conduct

The next 11 crazy events that will hit the Pakistan cricket team

A Hollywood film about a homeless cricket team and match fixing

A canned Hollywood film about cricket, fixing and a homeless team

Living near Cannes means you get to become on first name terms with a number of renowned film directors, as they are frequently in town.

At the weekend, I had a drink with one famous director who asked not to be named (let's just call him O. Rock), who told me a remarkable story about a film project he had worked on a couple of years ago. Basically, he had to pitch the idea to a sinister Hollywood studio boss he hadn't met before. The guy had a pretty fearsome reputation, so Rock decided to tape the meeting. He played me the recording...

Studio Boss (SB): So tell me about the film.

O. Rock (OR): Well it's about a cricket team full of a variety of miscreant characters who mostly don't like each other. They can't play matches at home because of terrorists.

SB: Good, I like the terrorist angle. Very topical.

OR: The team is run by a Tyrannical Despot who continually interferes. He fires Captains at will like Hitler used to do with his Generals.

SB: Good, good.Terrorism, a mad autocratic leader. Sounds promising to me.

OR: That's not all. As I said the team has a number of diverse characters and factions. There is a Mad Uncle, who is prone to doing Michael Jackson moonwalks on the pitch and eating cricket balls in the middle of matches. Then there is the Wise Old Grandad - he looks a bit like Gandalf the Grey and keeps retiring and then making comebacks.

SB: Kind of a Frank Sinatra figure?

OR: Exactly. There's also another older player, Sensitive Captain, who was actually quite successful at leading the side before he was the victim of a coup instigated by the team's Machiavellian Prince. He also falls out in a big way with Tyrannical Despot.

SB: Wow conspiracy and intrigue too. I suppose the Machiavellian Prince becomes captain in the end? 

OR: Well, he has a turn near the start before Sensitive Captain, but he turns out to be an even worse captain then he is a player. He also falls out in a big way with Wise Old Grandad and ends up marrying someone on the phone before divorcing her and marrying a famous tennis player. Eventually he is dropped for being too bad even for this team.

SB: Gee a lot happens to him. He sounds like a particularly unsavoury chap. Who are the other main characters?

OR: There's a couple of brothers. One is Butter Fingers - he is the worst wicketkeeper in cricket history and couldn't even catch a cold. The other is Little Slogger, so named because he tries to hit every ball for six. He also pretends he is a teenager and wears green lipstick.

SB: My God, it sounds like the Addams Family.

OR: Then there is Mr Dignity, he becomes captain towards the end and impresses everyone with the way he speaks and manages the team. But the audience is left wondering if he has a nasty secret, which he may or may not share with Rehab Boy, a brilliant bowler who is banned for drug taking but comes back and becomes one of the best bowlers in the world. Again the audience is left wondering if he has retunred to his fomer waywardness. The other character is The Kid. The Kid is an 18 year old wunderkind from an impoverished background, who is regarded as the best bowler of his age in cricket history. He has film star looks and is the darling of the nation.

SB: Kind of a rags to riches tale?

OR: Exactly, but the audience is left wondering whether he, Rehab Boy and Mr Dignity have got into bed with bookmakers and deliberately bowled no-balls in exchange for money.  

SB: A lot happens in this film. Is it realistic, is the question I am asking myself? Tell me about the plot.

OR: Well the film follows the Homeless Team around the world for a period of around 18 months. The fact that the captain keeps being changed adds to the state of flux and continuous chaos surrounding the team. First of all, they win the World T20, but then Machiavellian Prince leads a revolt against Sensitive Captain and he resigns soon after.

SB: That sounds a bit stupid.

OR: Quite. Then Wise Old Grandad takes over. Rehab Boy and Little Slogger both do well in New Zealand and the team draw the series. Then just as the audience thinks that the team is on the up. Bang. They go to Australia and it all falls apart. They lose every match including one where Butter Fingers drops even more catches than usual and Wise Old Grandad proves to be a clueless captain. Then Tyrannical Despot goes insane like Hitler in Downfall and bans everyone. The players all come out to the press and say they hate each other. It's absolute chaos.

SB: Surely that wouldn't all happen. Where do you go from here?

OR: Then they appoint Mad Uncle as captain. You just know that it will end in tears but at first things improve. They get to the semi-final of the World T20 but snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. Afterwards Tyrannical Despot un-bans all the players he had banned but still won't pick Sensitive Captain.

SB: I suppose appointing Mad Uncle is a bit of a case of the blind leading the blind?

OR: Yes. Of course it does eventually end up in tears on the tour of England, when Mad Uncle resigns after losing his first test in charge against Australia.

SB: No that wouldn't happen. Who ever heard of neutral test matches? Too far-fetched.

OR: Bear with me. Then Mr Dignity becomes captain and Rehab Boy and The Kid destroy Australia in the next match. The team do their best to throw away the advantage but actually manage to win.

SB: Oh great. A happy ending.

OR: It's not over yet. Then they play England, but because Tyrannical Despot won't pick Wise Old Grandad and Sensitive Captain, the batting is too frail even though The Kid and Rehab Boy keep taking English wickets. But they do manage to win one match when Wise Old Grandad comes to the rescue on his charger.

SB: Is that all?

OR: Not yet. Just as people start thinking the team have a promising future, Mr Dignity, Rehab Boy and The Kid fall victim to a tabloid sting, which alleges they are taking money to bowl no-balls. Remember I mentioned that earlier?

SB: Cheating and fixing as well? My God, what happens in the end?

OR: We're still finalising that. Any suggestions?

SB: I'll have to ask my friends in the ICC (laughing). I'm a bit worried all this is a bit too far-fetched. Surely one team couldn't go through all this in only 18 months?

That was it. After the recording stopped, I asked O Rock what happened next. he said it was strange because the meeting ended abruptly when Studio Boss received a phone call and he never heard from him again. Indeed he told me that it was rumoured that Studio Boss had left the business - no one had seen or heard from him since. The project was canned.

Of course, in the light of recent events we discussed how remarkably similar all this was to what is happening with the Pakistan cricket team today. I asked O Rock when the meeting was and the name of the Studio Boss.

And that was the funny thing. O Rock told me that the meeting was in 2008. And the name of the studio boss was Ijaz Butt, one month before he took up his position as Chairman of the PCB...

Yasir Hameed: Better than Bradman?

In an extraordinary twist to Yasir Hameed's denial that he had ever spoken to the News of the World, a source within the Pakistan High Commission in London has revealed some staggering new claims from the Pakistan opening batsman.

Of course, having seen the NOTW video, in which he was seen providing further fuel to the match fixing allegations encircling the Pakistan team, Hameed released a statement saying that he was only repeating what he had read in the newspapers, not saying anything new and that his conversation with the undercover reporter was 'inaccurately reported'.

Our source reveals however that this is not what Hameed is really saying. Apparently, he claims that the person in the NOTW video is not him but an impostor. Incredibly, Hameed has also apparently said that this impostor has kidnapped him on a serial basis and taken his place in the Pakistan test team.

We understand that the 'real' Hameed has only played four tests for Pakistan against Bangladesh (Karachi 2003), New Zealand (Hamilton 2003), India (Multan 2004) and Australia (Sydney 2005). If true, this means that Hameed has 590 runs from seven innings at an average of 84.29, which would place him behind only Bradman in the test batting pantheon.

The source advises that Hameed claims that during the other test matches that he is supposed to have played in, he has been held under armed guard and that the impostor has taken his place in the XI. This may explain the bizarre incident at Lord's when 'Hameed' charged down the wicket to Stuart Broad early in Pakistan's follow-on.

We also understand that Hameed has made a series of further claims. One accuses the the Akmal brothers of being Indian saboteurs. Another is that despite being only 14 at the time, Hameed claims it was he and not Imran Khan who coined the 'Cornered Tigers' tag during the 1992 World Cup.

More shocking revelations as we get them. 

Spot Fixing: If true, what if this is how it panned out?

It is widely acknowledged that spot-fixing has taken place in a plethora of domestic, IPL, ODI and Twenty 20 cricket matches around the globe; especially on the sub-continent. The motives of most of the players involved was doubtless to enrich themselves. In terms of justifying their actions, they would probably say that no real harm was done, that the results of the matches in question had not been affected and as such that they hadn't let down their team mates, country/franchise/county and supporters.

Now it is alleged that the spot-fixing disease has spread to test cricket. We've all read the reports, watched the video and viewed again the three no-balls in question. It doesn't look good and if true it will be all the harder because one of the alleged guilty parties is the most talented young bowler we have seen in over 30 years of watching cricket.

Hopefully the allegations will prove to be a lie and yet another in a long catalogue of wild, vicious and unproven rumours about the Pakistan cricket side. And if they are true? It would be dreadful, but let's  consider the following scenario before a young bowling genius-in-waiting is hung out to dry.

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You are a young fast bowler that hasn't been in international cricket for long. A group pf shadowy and menacing looking men approach you in the team hotel. You've seen them around other players in the squad and seen the fear in the eyes of your colleagues as they talk defensively with them. You are always glad that they don't stop to talk to you as they give you a certain sense of foreboding.

But this time they do want to talk to you. They surround you and say hello. They try to ingratiate themselves with you by telling you how much they admire you and how much you remind them of the greatest exponent of left arm fast bowling the game has ever seen. You are wary, but you thank them and hope that autographs is all they want from you.

But you know it isn't. Suddenly the mood changes and the smiles turn to stares. They ask if you would be prepared to help them with a delicate matter. You decide it's best to be upfront. You tell them that you are not prepared to participate in match fixing and that it has been a stain on your country's reputation for too long. You add that in any case your conscience wouldn't allow you to underperform for the country that you love and that you could never let down your team mates.

The men smile and tell you not to be ridiculous, that they are also fervent Pakistan supporters and hate seeing their side lose. They tell you that what they want you to do is different, harmless even. They tell you that everyone does it including some of your team mates and some of the great players of the past.

You ask what they want. They say that every now and then they want you to bowl the odd no ball at a pre-arranged time in a specific over. You see they say, it is nothing, harmless. They add that it will please them greatly and that they will even pay you for it.

You say thank you for their kind offer, but that you don't need the money and whilst it may not be match fixing, those nice people at the PCB have told you that it is forbidden and a complete no-no.

Then things take a nasty turn. They tell you that you will do as they ask, that they know where your family lives and that they have people watching them to make sure they don't come to any harm. You know exactly what they are trying to tell you.

You feel a sickness in your stomach as you squirm. What can you do? You have no choice. A few no-balls won't do any harm. You can try doubly hard with every other ball to take a wicket to make up for it. These look like serious people that won't take no for an answer. And the extra money may even come in handy. It's not as if you have an IPL contract anyway. You feel backed into a corner. You agree but you know it is the wrong thing to do. You realise that these people are never going to go away...

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We're not saying that this is how it panned out - if it panned out at all. As we said we hope the allegations aren't true and certainly hope that the alleged culprits will be given the benefit of the doubt until any guilt is proved. But just imagine if this was the scenario in which young cricketers have been coerced and threatened to get into bed with the scum that are responsible for spot-fixing?  So let's not destroy people until we know all the facts.

Spot-fixing, Pakistan & a hope for the day

Having just read the allegations involving several members of the Pakistan team and spot-fixing during the current Lord's test, my Sunday morning cup of tea isn't going down very well.

We are all used to match-fixing allegations being slung at the Pakistan side every time they perform badly in test, one day or Twenty 20 cricket. But this seems different. This time it is not some obscure Pakistani politician making the allegations and seeking his fifteen minutes of fame, it is a proper police investigation and some dimwit has been arrested.

Having seen the video and read the stories, it doesn't look good. The no-balls that were supposedly part of the spot-fixing scam don't look good. The only saving grace is that it is the News of the World that broke the story, the chances of it being untrue are maybe that little bit higher.

Let's just hope that this is yet another episode in the circus that is Pakistan cricket and that the allegations are untrue. The implications otherwise do not bear thinking about.