The Reverse Sweep

Dear Santa... - What have these cricketers requested for Christmas?

It's that time of year again and like the rest of us, the cricket fraternity have been compiling their list of requests for Santa.

Here's what some of them may have asked for this Christmas: 

Daniel Vettori - Protection. With 2011 having seen a number of dictators leaving this mortal coil, along with President Assad of Syria, Dictator Dan is one of only a handful left

Phillip Hughes - It's not exactly been a good year for poor old Phil, so his list to Santa is bulging with wishes such as a request to rescind his decision to opt out of BBL now that he has lost his Test place, a book of the best Worcester hosteleries ahead of his stint with the county and for Chris Martin and Martin Guptill to be sent on a one-way mission to Mars

Ricky Ponting - A time machine so he can relive past glories

Salman Butt, Mohammad Asif and Mohammad Amir - A DVD of The Great Escape and a tunnel making kit

Chris Gayle, Dwayne Bravo and Kieron Pollard - Lucrative contracts in the new Twenty 20 leagues in Outer Mongolia, Belarus and the Falkland Islands

Stuart Law - A one way ticket from Dhaka to Brisbane

Ijaz Butt - World War III 

Kevin Pietersen and Andy Flower - A bottle of paraffin, some matches and a lorry full of Graeme Swann's autobiography

Jonathan Trott - A Bob Willis voodoo doll

Jesse Ryder, Jacques Kallis and Graeme Smith - A KFC bargain bucket per day for life

Shane Warne - Some humility

Kamran Akmal - A new pair of gloves made of industrial strength velcro coupled with a small accident for brother Adnan

Darren Sammy - Catching lessons from Kamran Akmal

Sachin Tendulkar - Something about a 100th hundred. Not quite sure what that is all about

Shane Watson and Zaheer Khan - New bodies in time for the Boxing Day Test.

Where next?

Chasing Sachin by Adam Carroll-Smith | Book Review

Jack Hobbs by Leo McKinstry | Book review

Check out some of our Cricket XIs: They also played cricket, Rugger Buggers, Cricketing Criminals , A team of cricketers that died young, The Worst Australia Ashes XI of the last 30 years, The Worst England Ashes XI of the last 30 years

Check out all our Reverse Sweep cricket heroes and zeroes 

If you like this, follow us on Twitter @thereversesweep

The criminally underrated Younis Khan & the criminal negligence of Ijaz Butt

The esteemed Indian cricket writer and fellow Liverpool fan Dileep Premachandran brought an interesting statistic to our attention on Twitter yesterday.

In illustrating Australia’s batting deficiencies, he highlighted that in an era dominated by batsmen only the discarded Simon Katich has a batting average of over 50 in Tests played since 1 January 2006.

The top ten (minimum qualification ten innings), which is dominated by batsmen from the sub-continent makes interesting reading (see full list here) and in reverse order from 10-3 comprises Misbah-ul-Haq, Sachin Tendulkar, Mahela Jayawardene, Shivnarine Chanderpaul, Jacques Kallis, Thilan Samaraweera, Jonathan Trott and Mohammad Yousuf.

But it is the identity of the top two that is perhaps the most interesting.

On reflection it is not a huge surprise to see Kumar Sangakkara with a stellar average of 68 at the top of the pile such is the brilliance and consistency of his batting. Moreover, the fact that he had the added challenge of captaining Sri Lanka for most of the period makes his record all the more impressive. Bowlers shouldn’t rest too easy either as if Sangakkara’s return from his most recent series is anything to go by (a defiant 516 runs at 86 against a dominant Pakistan) he is getting better and better.

Nestling just behind Sangakkara in second place is Younis Khan. Yes, the same Younis Khan that was treated so shamefully by the Pakistan Cricket Board’s former idiot-in-chief Ijaz Butt. Younis averages 65 in the period despite being betrayed when captain by a clique led by Shoaib Malik, ostracised by Butt and left out of the side. The fact that he averages over 80 since his return shows up Butt for the utter fool he is – if any further proof was required on that count.

Misbah’s calm captaincy and even calmer presence at the crease is one big reason why England should be wary of their upcoming series with Pakistan. The criminally underrated Younis is another.

England’s post-Ashes celebrations in 2005 were brought crashing down to earth in Pakistan a few weeks later and the newly crowned number one Test side could suffer a similar fate in the UAE against the same opponents in the next couple of months unless they are at the top of their game.

Where next?

Cricket heroes: Younis Khan

Responsibility and Misbah-ul-Haq

The Ten Commandments of Ijaz Butt

Kumar Sangakkara's captivating story of cricket in Sri Lanka

Who should England pick to face Pakistan?

Check out all our Reverse Sweep cricket heroes and zeroes

If you like this, follow us on Twitter @thereversesweep

Zeroes: Salman Butt

 
So Salman, it transpires that you are a reprehensible cheat after all and that you share more than just a name with Chairman Ijaz. You Butthead.

With your silver serpents tongue you nearly fooled everyone. You certainly fooled us.

Your unexpected elevation to the captaincy when that loon Afridi abandoned ship just after leaving port was like a breath of fresh air. Out of chaos came order, instead of back-stabbing we had harmony (of sorts) and a dark future for Pakistan cricket suddenly looked brighter.

At the centre of it all, you looked like a natural leader of men and spoke eloquently – as we now know you are good with words – and results improved. Two wins and two losses against stronger, better organised teams and with your two best batsmen (three if you count Misbah) not allowed to play was a promising start. Yes, there were batting collapses a plenty, but progress was clearly being made.

So why throw it all away? Why take the easy way out?

It’s bad enough that you went dirty and probably coerced Asif to do the same. But why get the kid involved?

Oh how you must have lied and tricked him - as bad as a paedophile grooming his prey or a serial killer stalking his next victim. He would have looked up to you and respected you. You were his captain. He was 18 for Christ’s sake. He would have thought that he had to do what you said. But you knew that didn't you?.

We’re sure you told him it was fine. That it wasn’t cheating. That he wasn’t letting down his country or team-mates. That everyone did it. What harm could it do? If he took six wickets, no-one would care. As we said, you’re good with words.

But you knew what you were doing. You’re an intelligent man. Not a wide-eyed, ill-educated boy. You knew you were making him dirty. You knew you were compromising him for the rest of his career.

The ICC should have thrown the book at you. Nothing less than a life ban. But you can consider yourself lucky. With half of your ban suspended, you got the same punishment as Aamer. Do you really think that is right?

Do you feel any guilt? Any remorse? Or are you just going to try and weasel your way out of it? How can you explain the money in your room? All the banks shut were they? Or did you bank with Lehman's and Northern Rock? There are only so many ice cream parlours you can say that you opened.

Why don’t you come clean and apologise like a man? Why don’t you reveal the whole sordid story and tell the ICC about the other times you cheated and who else was involved? You can probably even write a book about it. You like money.

You’ve let your country down, your team down, your supporters down, your sport down and yourself down. But most of all, you’ve let the kid down. Just remember that the next time you look in the mirror.

Where next?

Mohammad Aamer: the waste of an irrepressible talent

Zeroes: Ijaz Butt

Zeroes: Kamran Akmal

Heroes: Imran Khan

Exclusive: The New Ten Point Pakistan Player Code of Conduct

Historic India-Pakistan peace summit flounders on cricket diplomacy

Pakistan cricket's next 11 crazy events

The Worst Test XI of 2010

Check out all our other Reverse Sweep heroes and zeroes

If you like this, follow us on Twitter @thereversesweep

Dear Santa...

 
With Christmas only two days away, we’d been wondering what some of cricket’s big names have asked Santa for.

Thanks to a renegade Elf in Santa's inner sanctum, all can now be revealed:

Shane Watson – the man who Carly Simon once wrote a song about has asked for his bedroom to be covered wall to wall and floor to ceiling with mirrors. He has also asked for a year’s supply of Kleenex. No, not for that! But in anticipation of more tears when he next gets out in the nervous nineties

Michael Clarke– a lifelike Lara Bingle rubber doll and a backbone

Jonathan Trott and Doug Bollinger – appointments with Jacques Kallis’ new hair consultant

Ricky Ponting – the hottest curry sauce of all – anything that means he can get amongst the runs again, but on no account does he want any Beer to go with it

Andrew Strauss- an exclusive membership of the club of Middlesex captains that have won an Ashes series down under. To date, Mike Gatting, Mike Brearley and Pelham Warner are the only members

Steve Smith– Being young he wants to learn, so he has asked Santa for  ‘The Marcus North Tutorial of Batting at Six’ and ‘The Idiots Guide to Leg-Spin by Chris Schofield'

Steve Finn– he had wanted clothes, but after being so expensive at the WACA he managed to bag a sponsorship deal with Prada, so the tall paceman now wants the same radar that Mitchell Johnson used in Perth

Matt Prior & Peter Siddle and Ian Botham & Ian Chappell – a pair of boxing gloves each so that they can take their respective war of words into the ring

Michael Hussey– some more kryptonite to ensure that he can reprise his Superman heroics at Melbourne and Sydney

Kamran Akmal  - A new set of wicketkeeper gloves made entirely out of velcro

Salman Butt, Mohammad Aamer and Mohammad Asif  - A damn good lawyer

Nathan Hauritz – Having got rid of his Australian kit at a recent garage sale, the discarded spinner now wants a fresh new kit from Santa in time to make a comeback in Sydney

MS Dhoni– some cotton wool in which to wrap up Zaheer Khan prior to every test match and particularly for the upcoming tours of England and Australia

Tim Bresnan and Jesse Ryder - a KFC Bargain Bucket per day for life

Ijaz Butt  - World War III

Harbhajan Singh– a set of Matthew Hayden’s cook books so that he can prepare a meal for his good friends Hayden and Andrew Symonds when he tours Australia later this year

Daniel Vettori - the Prime Ministership of New Zealand - well he does everything else. Either that or to wake up on Christmas Day as an Australian - there seems to be a vacancy for a spinner

Ian Bell – a DVD of the Famous Five, so he can prepare for his promotion up the batting order

Paul Collingwood – a guide to the best retirement homes in the North East of England

Mitchell Johnson – Kevin Pietersen’s phone number

Kevin Pietersen - A romantic dinner for two with Mitch

Where next?

Check out all our Reverse Sweep heroes and zeroes featuring Shane Watson, Mitchell Johnson and Nathan Hauritz amongst others

Historic India-Pakistan peace summit flounders on cricket diplomacy

Read KP's Ashes Diary exclusively at the Reverse Sweep

If you like this, follow us on Twitter @thereversesweep

The next 11 crazy events involving the Pakistan cricket team

 
Can Pakistan cricket get any crazier? Just when you think that it has reached a low, along comes Zulqarnain Haider doing his impersonation of the Scarlet Pimpernel as he vanished into thin air only to materialise sometime later at Heathrow Airport.

We've been mulling over what is likely to happen next with the Pakistan cricket team, and after looking into our crystal ball we can confidently predict the next 11 major events.

1. Zulqarnain becomes a bit of a celebrity in his new home in the UK and replaces the Irish bloke on the X Factor judges panel, has an affair with Cheryl Cole and plays himself in an autobiographical flick entitled 'Escape From Dubai'.
2. Following the call-up of the third Akmal brother Adnan to the Pakistan squad rumours of nepotism and mafia cartels strengthen further when first Father Akmal and then Mother Akmal are also called into the squad.
3. Misbah-ul-Haq resigns the Test captaincy after the calamitous performance of the side in the two tests against South Africa, although Mother Akmal impresses with the gloves.
4. Younis Khan reveals the real reason behind the conspiracy against his captaincy that was perpetuated by Shoaib Malik - he is a cross-dresser that regularly wears stockings, suspenders and a basque under his cricket whites.
5. Shahid Afridi announces that he is returning to test cricket and is promptly named as test captain for the tour of New Zealand. After scoring 21 from 7 balls in Pakistan's failed run chase in the 1st Test, he retires from tests again citing that he doesn't have the mental strength or technique required for the five day game. Mother Akmal is made captain for the rest of the series.
6. In a poll on Cricinfo, Shahid Afridi is named as the sanest person in cricket today. Shoaib Akhtar comes second and Ijaz Butt third.
7. Shoaib Malik announces his divorce from Sania Mirza. He says that the marriage was all a big mistake and he'd got Mirza confused with the opponent she was playing at the time he first saw her. His engagement to Maria Sharapova is confirmed soon after.
8. Imran Farhat's book The Art of Batting is a worldwide best seller and copies are seen in the cricket bags of such luminaries as Sachin Tendulkar, VVS Laxman, Kevin Pietersen and Ricky Ponting. All say that they wish they could bat like Farhat. 
9. Wahab Riaz beats Jonathan Trott at Madison Square Gardens to become WBO Heavyweight Champion of the World.
10. Amidst all the chaos Pakistan win the 2011 World Cup with a team solely comprised of Akmals. Kamran scores a hundred, Umar a fifty and Father Akmal takes five for ten as India are beaten.
11. Zulqarnain survives being stabbed with a poisoned umbrella on his way into the X Factor studios. Suspects include Ashley Cole and Kamran Akmal, as well as a mysterious Asian man with green lipstick.

Where next?

Exclusive: The New Ten Point Pakistan Player Code of Conduct

Historic India-Pakistan peace summit flounders on cricket diplomacy

Heroes: Mushtaq Ahmed

Zeroes: Shoaib Malik

Revealed: New PCB Player Code of Conduct

 
Following the news that the PCB has revised its Player Code of Conduct, the Reverse Sweep has managed to glean a copy from a source whom we cannot reveal other than to say that he has been known to associate with the Bookies Circle.

The Code, which takes the form of ten key guidelines for players provides illuminating reading:

1. Henceforth, all players on tour must have a picture of our Dear Leader Chairman Butt above their bed with praise and thanks being given morning and evening.
2. Remember who your Captain is. He is to be undermined and conspired against at all times.
3. On the way out to the crease, every batsman is to punch the new Jonathan Trott effigy as they leave the dressing room. The effigy will be burnt at the end of every tour and a new one created for the next tour.
4. Any victories (which are admittedly unlikely) must be dedicated to Chairman Butt. Any defeats can be blamed on a conspiracy initiated by India, its agent Shoaib Malik and august cricket bodies.
5. On no account let Yasir Hameed speak to the press. If necessary gag him for the entire tour.
6. Don't laugh at Umar Akmal's green make-up. He is only a boy and he can't help it if he has a fixation with the Wicked Witch from the Wizard of Oz. It also fixes his spots.
7. Everyone must actively participate in the PCB's chosen charitable concern and 'Adopt a Bookie'.
8. Don't worry about any spot or match-fixing allegations. We know that you will always be innocent and that India will be behind it. Rest assured that Judge Qayyum will be on the case and that everyone will be exonerated.
9. Remember that Younis Khan is an enemy of Pakistan cricket and not a world-class batsman and reasonably successful Pakistan captain. It was Chairman Butt and not he who was the inspiration for the 2009 World T20 win.
10. Finally, remember that a cricket ball a day keeps the doctor away. Follow the example of Afridi and munch away.

Where next?

Heroes: Imran Khan

Historic India-Pakistan peace summit flounders on cricket diplomacy

The Ten Commandments of Ijaz Butt

 

Please note that our source may be wrong and the PCB Player Code of Conduct may or may not be along the lines of this article. Just in case

Ijaz Butt's song for Giles Clarke

In the biggest climbdown since Jack raced down the beanstalk from the Giant or Jacob descended his ladder, Ijaz Butt finally apologised for his unsubstantiated claims against the England team following their defeat to Pakistan in The Oval ODI.

It also seems that he has dedicated a song to Giles Clarke, mindful of the fact that the ECB Chairman's gesture of arranging neutral test matches for his side, is actually doing a lot for Pakistan cricket. In his statement, Butt admitted that "The ECB and its chairman have been and continue to be a friend of and hugely supportive of Pakistan cricket. I am very grateful for their efforts in that regard and for their hospitality this summer."

Take it away Tracy and the Bookies Circle...

 

The Ten Commandments of Ijaz Butt

A while back we wrote about the thirteen commandments of Ijaz Butt, which were revealed to us by a source in the Pakistan Cricket Board.

We understand from the same source that recent developments have brought about a change in Chairman Butt's thinking and like God, Butt now prefers just the ten commandments. And here they are:

Although there will be many captains, there is only one Chairman (or Dear Leader, which is the term I prefer).
1. When it comes to captains, coaches and selectors, remember three key mantras: undermine, undermine and undermine.
2. When the Pakistan team is on tour, remember three key mantras: interfere, interfere and interfere.
3. When the team loses, remember it is everyone else's fault not yours: players, captain, coach and selectors. This calls for interference, changes, sackings, bans and fines.
4. When the team wins, remember it is all down to Ijaz Butt and no one else. If anyone dares to disagree, please see remedies stated in commandment 4 above.
5. When Pakistani players are accused of match and spot fixing, first disappear and say nothing. Then consult with the "bookies circle" and issue counter-claims that the opposition is throwing matches and that it is all a huge conspiracy against Pakistan and Pakistan cricket perpetuated by "august cricket bodies", the ICC, India, the CIA , Lee Harvey Oswald, the Pope, Henry VIII...
6. Why ban and alienate one world-class batsman, if you can ban and alienate two?
7. Mohammad Yousuf is a "bad influence" and "should not be part of (the) national team in any format" "great player".
8. If in doubt blame Shoaib Akhtar Mohammad Yousuf Younis Khan, august cricket bodies, Giles Clarke and India.
9. When you have caused a huge crisis in cricket through baseless allegations, aim for the top. Call for the sacking of Haroon Lorgat and offer to take his place knowing that what you have done for Pakistani cricket, you can now do for world cricket.

Zeroes: Ijaz Butt v2.0

We included Ijaz Butt in our Heroes and Zeroes feature a few weeks ago before all the spot-fixing allegations became public. Given his paranoid announcements of yesterday, it is time for what is likely to be the first of many updates.

This is what we wrote a few weeks back...

________________________________________________________________________________________

 
The Dark Lord of the Pakistan Cricket Board brings a whole new meaning to the word inept. Along with Shoaib 'Machiavelli' Malik, Butt should take the lions share of the blame for the farce that has been Pakistan cricket since he took over as Chairman of the PCB in 2008.

Butt's continual interference, provocative public statements and general mismanagement has exacerbated the team's problems and undermined coaches, managers and players alike. Incredibly, Butt's reign as Chairman has seen five captains in less than two years as Malik, Younis Khan, Mohammad Yousuf, Shahid Afridi and now Salman Butt have been through the revolving door.

But it is Butt's alienation of Pakistan's two best batsmen - Yousuf and Younis, which really takes the biscuit. Pakistan don't have a surplus of world class batsmen in the current era, so to impose an indefinite ban on the pair after the disastrous tour of Australia; a decision that had Butt's dirty mitts all over it, was both an over-reaction and a case of shooting yourself in the foot to put it mildly.

The cure for Pakistan cricket should start with the removal of this bungling fool.

________________________________________________________________________________________

All of this still stands, but it is worth noting that Butt and the PCB had been strangely silent since the spot-fixing allegations against Salman Butt, Mohammad Aamer and Mohammad Asif broke during the Lord's test. For someone with normally so much to say, Chairman Butt had been rather mute.

Until now that is. The best he can come up with however, is that this is all some elaborate plot by "august cricket bookies" to "defraud Pakistan and Pakistan cricket". The man is a complete and utter joke and clearly insane as are his allegations that England deliberately collapsed in the third ODI at the Oval on Friday. Let's hope that the men in white coats are on their way to apprehend him now...

It's a fix...

The world of cricket knew the Reverse Sweep was taking a four day break and it decided to issue a torrent of stories, scandal, conspiracy and madness in our absence:

• Pakistan actually won a cricket match thanks to an inspired spell of bowling by Umar Gul and some insipid batting from England, but still managed to become embroiled in yet more spot-fixing allegations
• Ijaz Butt confirmed that he is not of this world by making his first pronouncement on the spot-fixing debacle and duly accusing England of collapsing deliberately on Friday night. Is it any wonder that Pakistan's cricket is in such a mess with this imbecile in charge?
• Freddie Flintoff bowed to the inevitable and retired from cricket, which means that his last ever match was the victorious fifth test at The Oval last summer - a much more fitting end than some obscure Twenty 20 match  
• Somerset have become the eternal bridesmaids of English cricket by finishing second in everything - the thought of Marcus Trescothick and Peter Trego in frocks frightens us too
• Ian Bell has gone from the Beckhamesque with his broken foot to the Bradmanesque with his run filled return from injury 
• Oh, and the Champions League has apparently been taking place in South Africa. Ok, we haven't missed much there.

Clearly, this is a conspiracy perpetuated against the Reverse Sweep by other cricket writers around the globe. This is not a conspiracy to defraud bookies but a conspiracy to defraud the Reverse Sweep and this blog. The Reverse Sweep has taken it in hand to start our own investigations. We will shortly reveal the names of the people, the parties and the bodies involved in this sinister conspiracy and we also reserve the right to sue them for damages.

The guilty will be punished... 

Another tall story from Pakistan?

Spot-fixing allegations, Yasir Hameed denying he'd ever spoken to The News of the World, the continual drivel spouted by Ijaz Butt and now another tall story from Pakistan...

A canned Hollywood film about cricket, fixing and a homeless team

Living near Cannes means you get to become on first name terms with a number of renowned film directors, as they are frequently in town.

At the weekend, I had a drink with one famous director who asked not to be named (let's just call him O. Rock), who told me a remarkable story about a film project he had worked on a couple of years ago. Basically, he had to pitch the idea to a sinister Hollywood studio boss he hadn't met before. The guy had a pretty fearsome reputation, so Rock decided to tape the meeting. He played me the recording...

Studio Boss (SB): So tell me about the film.

O. Rock (OR): Well it's about a cricket team full of a variety of miscreant characters who mostly don't like each other. They can't play matches at home because of terrorists.

SB: Good, I like the terrorist angle. Very topical.

OR: The team is run by a Tyrannical Despot who continually interferes. He fires Captains at will like Hitler used to do with his Generals.

SB: Good, good.Terrorism, a mad autocratic leader. Sounds promising to me.

OR: That's not all. As I said the team has a number of diverse characters and factions. There is a Mad Uncle, who is prone to doing Michael Jackson moonwalks on the pitch and eating cricket balls in the middle of matches. Then there is the Wise Old Grandad - he looks a bit like Gandalf the Grey and keeps retiring and then making comebacks.

SB: Kind of a Frank Sinatra figure?

OR: Exactly. There's also another older player, Sensitive Captain, who was actually quite successful at leading the side before he was the victim of a coup instigated by the team's Machiavellian Prince. He also falls out in a big way with Tyrannical Despot.

SB: Wow conspiracy and intrigue too. I suppose the Machiavellian Prince becomes captain in the end? 

OR: Well, he has a turn near the start before Sensitive Captain, but he turns out to be an even worse captain then he is a player. He also falls out in a big way with Wise Old Grandad and ends up marrying someone on the phone before divorcing her and marrying a famous tennis player. Eventually he is dropped for being too bad even for this team.

SB: Gee a lot happens to him. He sounds like a particularly unsavoury chap. Who are the other main characters?

OR: There's a couple of brothers. One is Butter Fingers - he is the worst wicketkeeper in cricket history and couldn't even catch a cold. The other is Little Slogger, so named because he tries to hit every ball for six. He also pretends he is a teenager and wears green lipstick.

SB: My God, it sounds like the Addams Family.

OR: Then there is Mr Dignity, he becomes captain towards the end and impresses everyone with the way he speaks and manages the team. But the audience is left wondering if he has a nasty secret, which he may or may not share with Rehab Boy, a brilliant bowler who is banned for drug taking but comes back and becomes one of the best bowlers in the world. Again the audience is left wondering if he has retunred to his fomer waywardness. The other character is The Kid. The Kid is an 18 year old wunderkind from an impoverished background, who is regarded as the best bowler of his age in cricket history. He has film star looks and is the darling of the nation.

SB: Kind of a rags to riches tale?

OR: Exactly, but the audience is left wondering whether he, Rehab Boy and Mr Dignity have got into bed with bookmakers and deliberately bowled no-balls in exchange for money.  

SB: A lot happens in this film. Is it realistic, is the question I am asking myself? Tell me about the plot.

OR: Well the film follows the Homeless Team around the world for a period of around 18 months. The fact that the captain keeps being changed adds to the state of flux and continuous chaos surrounding the team. First of all, they win the World T20, but then Machiavellian Prince leads a revolt against Sensitive Captain and he resigns soon after.

SB: That sounds a bit stupid.

OR: Quite. Then Wise Old Grandad takes over. Rehab Boy and Little Slogger both do well in New Zealand and the team draw the series. Then just as the audience thinks that the team is on the up. Bang. They go to Australia and it all falls apart. They lose every match including one where Butter Fingers drops even more catches than usual and Wise Old Grandad proves to be a clueless captain. Then Tyrannical Despot goes insane like Hitler in Downfall and bans everyone. The players all come out to the press and say they hate each other. It's absolute chaos.

SB: Surely that wouldn't all happen. Where do you go from here?

OR: Then they appoint Mad Uncle as captain. You just know that it will end in tears but at first things improve. They get to the semi-final of the World T20 but snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. Afterwards Tyrannical Despot un-bans all the players he had banned but still won't pick Sensitive Captain.

SB: I suppose appointing Mad Uncle is a bit of a case of the blind leading the blind?

OR: Yes. Of course it does eventually end up in tears on the tour of England, when Mad Uncle resigns after losing his first test in charge against Australia.

SB: No that wouldn't happen. Who ever heard of neutral test matches? Too far-fetched.

OR: Bear with me. Then Mr Dignity becomes captain and Rehab Boy and The Kid destroy Australia in the next match. The team do their best to throw away the advantage but actually manage to win.

SB: Oh great. A happy ending.

OR: It's not over yet. Then they play England, but because Tyrannical Despot won't pick Wise Old Grandad and Sensitive Captain, the batting is too frail even though The Kid and Rehab Boy keep taking English wickets. But they do manage to win one match when Wise Old Grandad comes to the rescue on his charger.

SB: Is that all?

OR: Not yet. Just as people start thinking the team have a promising future, Mr Dignity, Rehab Boy and The Kid fall victim to a tabloid sting, which alleges they are taking money to bowl no-balls. Remember I mentioned that earlier?

SB: Cheating and fixing as well? My God, what happens in the end?

OR: We're still finalising that. Any suggestions?

SB: I'll have to ask my friends in the ICC (laughing). I'm a bit worried all this is a bit too far-fetched. Surely one team couldn't go through all this in only 18 months?

That was it. After the recording stopped, I asked O Rock what happened next. he said it was strange because the meeting ended abruptly when Studio Boss received a phone call and he never heard from him again. Indeed he told me that it was rumoured that Studio Boss had left the business - no one had seen or heard from him since. The project was canned.

Of course, in the light of recent events we discussed how remarkably similar all this was to what is happening with the Pakistan cricket team today. I asked O Rock when the meeting was and the name of the Studio Boss.

And that was the funny thing. O Rock told me that the meeting was in 2008. And the name of the studio boss was Ijaz Butt, one month before he took up his position as Chairman of the PCB...

The Thirteen Commandments of Ijaz Butt

Buoyed by the success of his Pakistan side in winning the 3rd test at The Oval last week, we understand from a source within the Pakistan Cricket Board that Chairman Ijaz Butt is about to exclusively reveal the 13 commandments by which he carries out his role as the head of Pakistan cricket.

We understand from the source that these are Butt's 13 commandments:

1. Although there will be many captains, there is only one Chairman (or Dear Leader, which is the term I prefer).
2. When it comes to captains, coaches and selectors, remember three key mantras: undermine, undermine and undermine.
3. When the Pakistan team is on tour, remember three key mantras: interfere, interfere and interfere
4. When the team loses, remember it is everyone else's fault not yours: players, captain, coach and selectors. This calls for interference, changes, sackings, bans and fines.
5. When the team wins, remember it is all down to Ijaz Butt and no one else. If anyone dares to disagree, please see remedies stated in commandment 4 above.
6. When the team wins, make sure you are in the team photo that will appear online and in newspapers worldwide. Even better if you can stand menacingly at the back in a pair of dark glasses, with dagger drawn waiting to stab an unsuspecting player, captain or coach in the back. This is a picture of me with the team after we beat Australia at Headingley. I am fourth from left at the back with the sunglasses and clenched fist looking as inauspicious as possible.
7. Agreeing to stage a home test series in a country where your best bowler is banned from entering is an entirely rational decision. Who needs Mohammad Asif anyway?
8. Proclaiming that a captain is going to be replaced in the middle of a tour (as I did with Mohammad Yousuf in Australia) is a genius move. We may have lost the three ODIs that followed my pronouncement but we nearly won the Twenty 20 after that. 
9. Why ban and alienate one world-class batsman, if you can ban and alienate two?
10. Mohammad Yousuf is a "bad influence" and "should not be part of (the) national team in any format" "great player".
11. If in doubt blame Shoaib Akhtar Mohammad Yousuf Younis Khan.
12. If you have a player that pirouettes on a cricket pitch in the midst of a security scare, bites cricket balls, shows no responsibility whatsoever and has actually been retired from test cricket for four years, make him captain of the test side. Such a move is pure genius and cannot fail.
13. If all else fails, find someone with the same name as you and make them captain. Isn't young Salman doing well? He was always my first choice as skipper, don't you know?

Please note that our source may be wrong and that Ijaz Butt may or may not have said or written the things this article said he did. Just in case

Zeroes: Ijaz Butt

The Dark Lord of the Pakistan Cricket Board brings a whole new meaning to the word inept. Along with Shoaib 'Machiavelli' Malik, Butt should take the lions share of the blame for the farce that has been Pakistan cricket since he took over as Chairman of the PCB in 2008.

Butt's continual interference, provocative public statements and general mismanagement has exacerbated the team's problems and undermined coaches, managers and players alike. Incredibly, Butt's reign as Chairman has seen five captains in less than two years as Malik, Younis Khan, Mohammad Yousuf, Shahid Afridi and now Salman Butt have been through the revolving door.

But it is Butt's alienation of Pakistan's two best batsmen - Yousuf and Younis, which really takes the biscuit. Pakistan don't have a surplus of world class batsmen in the current era, so to impose an indefinite ban on the pair after the disastrous tour of Australia; a decision that had Butt's dirty mitts all over it, was both an over-reaction and a case of shooting yourself in the foot to put it mildly.

The cure for Pakistan cricket should start with the removal of this bungling fool.

Mohammad Yousuf's pantomime 'retirement'

It shouldn't come as any surprise, but it would seem that Mohammad Yousuf's "retirement" from international cricket may not be as final as most people would assume the term retirement means.

As one of Pakistan's Four Captains of the Apocalypse, Yousuf retired from international cricket following the draconian sanction handed out to him by the PCB after the disastrous tour of Australia where Yousuf was captain.

But now just like a toddler that has thrown his toys out of the pram in a paddy, Yousuf is now hinting at a recantation of his retirement  in the wake of Shahid Afridi's one match tenure and the subsequent appointment of Salman Butt as the new test captain.

Speaking at the weekend, Yousuf said:

"I am available any time for my national team. "f the team doesn't need me I stand retired. But if I'm needed, I am ready and available to serve my country. If PCB invites me with respect I will definitely go and join the team."

It is the last sentence that is the most telling. Yousuf seems to be saying that if PCB Chairman Ijaz Butt gets down on bended knee and pleads for the great one to return, Yousuf will deign himself to comply. How old is he?

Just like an extremely bad pantomime, Yousuf's "oh yes, he has", "oh no, he hasn't" retirement is descending ever more into farce. His qualities as a batsman may be desperately needed by his country, but his qualities as a man seem to leave a little bit to be desired. Yousuf is certainly playing the Ugly Sister role to perfection.

If Yousuf does come back, then Salman Butt is going to have an interesting time captaining a dressing room that includes sworn enemies Yousuf and Shoaib Malik.  

Shahid Afridi & the four captains of the apocalypse

This post was going to be about Australia and their readiness or otherwise for the Ashes. But the antics of Shahid Afridi means that this will have to wait.

Ricky Ponting must feel like the birthday girl, whose big day has been upstaged by the classroom joker setting off a stink bomb at her party. Even by the comical nature of Pakistan cricket, Afridi's retirement from test cricket and resignation after his first test as captain after a four year break from the five day game is quite astounding.

With endearing honesty, Afridi admitted that he didn't have the patience or mentality for test cricket and that the second match against Australia at Headingley will be his last test (if he is fit). He couldn't have put it more bluntly by stating that "With my temperament I can't play Test cricket," going on to admit that "a captain should lead by example which I did not. And if I played the way I played in this match it is better to leave." 

The many observers who predicted that an Afridi captaincy would end quickly and ignominiously have been proved right. This is a shame as there were signs in the World T20, Asia Cup and the Twenty 20's against Australia last week that Afridi could prove to be the unifying captain that Pakistan so desperately needed.

Afridi's dismissals in both innings were irresponsible but his Pakistan side did not descend into the rabble that they had in Australia. The first innings collapse was poor as was the body language when Ben Hilfenhaus and Doug Bollinger added 52 for the last wicket in Australia's 2nd innings. And handing 14 wickets to Shane Watson, Marcus North and Steven Smith smacked of carelessness. But given the hand dealt by the selectors in ignoring Younis Khan, Pakistan actually performed reasonably well at Lord's.

The Pakistan captaincy is becoming a poisoned chalice and Salman Butt may want to think twice if he is offered the captain's job for the test series against England. Since Inzamam retired in 2007, Pakistan has now had four test captains. Shoaib Malik lasted three tests, married someone he spoke to on the phone and has allegedly been a disruptive influence in the dressing room ever since. Younis Khan was next. He led the side to victory in the World T20 in 2009 before amidst more plots and conspiracies than a John Le Carre novel asked to be rested from the New Zealand tour last Autumn. 

Then Mohammad Yousuf had a go at the top job he had craved for so long, but was blamed for the disastrous tour to Australia by the PCB and banned indefinitely. Yousuf then announced his retirement and despite pleas from Afridi and even Chairman Butt himself, has shown no signs of reversing this decision.

Where does Pakistan cricket go from here amidst the aftermath of the four captains of the apocalypse?

Four captains in just over two years may sound a lot, but England once went through four captains in a series and five in less than a year. In 1988, Mike Gatting started the series with the West Indies as captain before an alleged misdemeanour with a barmaid led to him being sacked after the first test. John Emburey took over for the next two, both of which were lost. Then the selectors took leave of their senses completely and summoned Chris Cowdrey from county cricket and made him captain. He lasted one match before Graham Gooch was handed the 'honour' for the final test of the series.

Amazingly, new Chairman of the Selectors Ted Dexter decided four captains wasn't enough  and relieved Graham Gooch of the role and gave it to David Gower for the 1989 Ashes series making it five captains in less than a year. Even Pakistan has never had anything like this.

Finally, Afridi can count himself lucky in some respects. Lady Jane Grey was Queen of England for nine days following the death of Edward VI before she was overthrown by Mary and executed at the Tower of London. Although with Chairman Butt(head) anything is possible...  

Ijaz Butt gets down on one knee to Mohammad Yousuf

We're not sure quite what to make about the penalties issued and now rescinded on several of its players by the PCB.

It seemed at the time that the sanctions were applied that Younis Khan and Mohammad Yousuf had been dealt with rather severely. Admittedly, both appeared to be crap captains for different reasons. Pakistan actually won the World T20 under Younis' stewardship but eight of his players apparently made a secret pact against him (we're not sure why, maybe they didn't like being told what to do?), so he didn't exactly inspire loyalty. Although we wonder whether it should been Younis that was damned rather then the players who brazenly admitted underperforming in order to undermine his captaincy.

Yousuf could well be the worst international cricket captain we've seen. More defensive than the Greek football team when winning the European Championship in 2004, he was to blame as much as butter fingered Kamran Akmal for Pakistan throwing away the Sydney test against Australia. And as for his childish spat with Shoaib Malik? Well, our eighteen month old son hasn't had tantrums quite like that. Yet!

But life bans did seem harsh for essentially being crap captains. So it is no real surprise that Younis' ban has now been lifted on appeal and he is free to play in the Asia Cup and tour England this summer. Along with Yousuf, Younis is Pakistan's best batsman and they desperately need him to provide some solidity from his usual number three role. If Shahid Afridi's fine for biting the ball can be removed (and we're not quite sure how that crime can be rescinded), then clearly Younis should never have been banned in the first place.

Yousuf on the other hand has stuck steadfastly to his decision to 'retire' soon after his life ban was handed down. At the time, PCB nutter-in-chief Ijaz Butt said that "Mohammad Yousuf and Younis Khan, keeping in view their infighting which resulted in bringing down the whole team, their attitude has a trickledown effect which is a bad influence for the whole team should not be part of national team in any format." 

Butt now seems to have done a huge about-turn, maybe mindful of Yousuf's record on Pakistan's last tour of England where he scored nearly twice as many runs in four Tests (631) as the second-leading run-scorer, with three hundreds at an average of 90.14. Butt said of Yousuf that "We have sent messages to him through others that if he takes back his retirement he can play for Pakistan again. But he declined that." He went on to add that "If he takes back his retirement he will be welcomed back into the side. He is a great player and has a few more years in him. He has done so well for us and particularly on the last tour of England he was outstanding, so he would definitely be welcomed back."

It's not quite getting down on one knee begging for forgiveness, but it isn't far off. Yousuf has always struck us as someone with a bit of an ego who maybe has a touch too much self-importance than he should. Some of the comments attributed to him certainly reflect that assertion. He now has new captain Afridi, Butt and several senior players all publicly pleading for him to return. Yousuf's commitment to his "retirement" is certainly being sorely tested.

We doubt many bookies are giving good odds against him returning to the fold in time for the tour to England. We certainly expect to see him there. Pakistan cricket just gets crazier and crazier and with Afridi potentially having to captain a squad that includes Younis, Shoaib Malik, Shoaib Akhtar and now maybe Yousuf too, it could get even more crazy.

Ijaz Butt 0 Mohammad Yousuf 1

Those of you that read this blog regularly will know that I have complete contempt for Ijaz Butt, the Chairman of the Pakistan Cricket Board. His continual interference and undermining of the team, coach and selection committee has made a difficult time in Pakistan cricket all the worse.

Butt reached a new low when on receiving a report outlining the reasons for the teams poor performance in Australia, he decided that effectively sacking his two best batsmen and sanctioning several other players would deal with the problem. Player infighting and poor performance was part of the problem, but certainly not the major element, which surely sits squarely on the shoulders of Chairman Butthead himself.

And now his actions have led to Pakistan's best batsmen Mohammad Yousuf announcing his retirement. Giving his reasons, a seething Yousuf didn't hide the reasons for his decision saying that "I received a letter from the PCB that my staying in the team is harmful for the team, so I announce my retirement from international cricket," he said in Karachi. "I thank the fans around the world, all the senior players and family members for supporting me throughout my 12-year career. I always played for my country and if my playing is harmful for the team then I don't want to play."

What a sad way for one of Pakistan's greatest ever players to go (he certainly makes my Pakistan XI of the last 30 years). It is to be hoped that this is a tactical move by Yousuf as part of a grander strategy to rid Pakistan cricket of Butt. Only then, or so it seems, can Pakistan hope to regain fomer glories.

If it is to be the last we see of Yousuf then cricket has lost one of its best current batsmen, if not one of its best captains.

 

Is this the best Pakistan test XI of the last 30 years?

You can say a lot about Pakistan cricket team, but you could never accuse it of being boring. In over 30 years of watching and absorbing cricket in almost every orifice, Pakistan have has always been the most fascinating team to watch - on and off the field. Sadly, Pakistan cricket is in the mire at the moment. Security concerns mean that the team cannot play at home and to say that their antics in recent times are tantamount to a travelling circus would be an understatement.

The problems start at the top and the PCB is rotten to the core with Chairman Ijaz Butt more akin to a dictator of a military state rather than the leader of a humble cricket board. He undermines his selection committee, team management and captain at every turn and how he is still in the job is beyond belief. His reaction in ostracising the team's two best batsmen Mohammad Yousuf and Younis Khan following the Australian tour debacle is the sort of madness normally associated with despots like Kim Jong Il.

Then there are the politicians. Every time Pakistan lose a match accusations of match fixing abound as the next senator gets his 15 minutes in the sun. Heaven forbid that Pakistan lose because they have performed badly or have just come up against a better team. No it must be because some or all of the players have thrown the match. What nonsense.

Other ills include inconsistent selection, poor leadership by a succession of captains and player infighting that makes the spat between Henry II and Thomas a Becket look trivial in comparison. Not being Pakistani myself, I cannot fully understand all the problems surrounding the team, but as a fascinated onlooker I can see that there is an inherent sickness that needs curing.  

It was all very different in the days of Imran Khan's leadership when he used the constant state of chaos surrounding the team to bring them together as a group of 'cornered tigers' with the the rest of the World against them. The results were sensational as they vied with the West Indies for the title of the World's best side in the late 1980s and then won the World Cup in 1992.

During my 30 years of watching cricket, Pakistan have been renowned for its battery of quick bowlers, its wily spinners and a series of wristy batsmen. But how many of the current side would make my composite XI of the last 30 years? Only one sadly and he is supposedly just about to retire.

The openers is a case of Saeed Anwar plus one other. Anwar's combination of graceful strokeplay and quick scoring has been solely missed since his premature retirement with Pakistan still searching for someone of Anwar's reliability and quality to open the batting. Mudassar Nazar takes the second opening slot for me ahead of Aamer Sohail, Majid Khan and Ramiz Raja, with his obdurateness being an excellent foil for the flamboyant Anwar.

Pakistan has been spoilt with quality middle order batsmen over the last 30 years and with Mudassar able to double up as the fifth bowler, I have given myself the luxury of picking six batsmen. Zaheer Abbas was known by some as the Asian Bradman, such was his thirst for runs and his style and elegance gets him in at number three ahead of Younis Khan. The combative Javed Miandad is Pakistan's highest test runscorer and in most observers opinion its greatest batsman so is a shoo-in at number four. Only three runs behind Miandad is Inzamam-ul-Haq and he gets the number five spot. When Inzy was in full flow he never looked like getting out, unless it was by a run out of course! The soon-to-be-retired (if you believe the reports) Mohammad Yousuf gets the number six spot ahead of Saleem Malik. In time people will remember Yousuf for his great batting rather than his impotent captaincy and for a time in the mid-2000's he was arguably the best batsman in the World.

The imperious Imran Khan is at number seven and naturally would be captain. He was the greatest of the four magnificent all-rounders of the 1980s just shading Kapil, Botham and Hadlee and is arguably one of the three best all-rounders ever along with Sobers and Miller. If only Imran was more involved with Pakistan cricket today, perhaps it wouldn't be in such a mess.

The wicketkeeper spot is a toss up between the superior glove work of a Wasim Bari or Rashid Latif, or the additional runs of a Moin Khan or Kamran Akmal. Thankfully, with Imran before him and Wasim Akram to come, the best keeper of the four can be selected and given that he was favourably compared with Allan Knott, Wasim Bari really was a fantastic keeper.

Then comes the aforementioned Wasim Akram, surely the best left arm quick of all time and a decent if slightly underachieving batsman to boot with a test best of 257. With complete mastery over swing and seam, ability to move the ball both ways and serious pace, Wasim was a fearsome sight especially in partnership with the equally devastating Waqar Younis. As an England fan, the performances of Wasim and Waqar on the 1992 tour was both frightening and wonderful depending on how strong my allegiance to the home side was at the time.

It's no surprise then that Waqar Younis comes next. The king of reverse and late swing, Waqar bowled so many batsmen with the late swinging yorker that the name of the delivery arguably should be changed to a 'Younis'. Sheer speed, an effortless technique and a strike rate up there with the best in history, Waqar was a seriously great bowler.

As referred to earlier Pakistan has produced a battery of fast bowlers in the last 30 years. Of these Safraz Nawaz, Shoaib Akhtar and Mohammad Amir deserve a mention. Safraz was entering the sunset of his career when my cricket watching began but was one of the pioneers of reverse swing. Amir would have played more tests than he has but for discipline and drug problems, but it seems he is back to his best now. And what can you say about speedster Shoaib? Suffice to say that he is a larger than life figure, who doubtless a bollywood film will be made about one day. When he concentrates on his bowling though he bears comparison with Wasim, Imran and Waqar and would be my 12th man.

Quality spin has gone hand in hand with extreme pace, and there is an abundance of choice for the spinning position in the XI. But who to pick out of Abdul Qadir, Saqlain Mushtaq, Mushtaq Ahmed, Danish Kaneira or Iqbal Qasim? This is where my childhood comes in and it is the mercurial Qadir who wins the day for me. Without him there may have been no Shane Warne and in a time of pace and seam, it was Qadir who flew the flag for leg spin. If I had to plump for a reserve, it would have to be Mushtaq Ahmed - well, I am a Sussex supporter! 

So my team is as follows in bold with Shoaib and Mushtaq added to make a XIII to cover all conditions. If a fifth bowler was required then it would be Yousuf who would drop out for Shoaib or Mushtaq.

Saeed Anwar, Mudassar Nazar, Zaheer Abbas, Javed Miandad, Inzamam-ul-Haq, Mohammad Yousuf, Imran Khan, Wasim Bari, Wasim Akram, Waqar Younis, Abdul Qadir, Shoaib Akhtar and Mushtaq Ahmed

The real face of Ijaz Butt revealed...

Following the execution of Mohammad Yousuf and Younis Khan and the incarceration or shaming of Shoaib Malik, Shahid Afridi, Naved-ul-Hasan and the Akmal brothers, the real sinister face of PCB chairman Ijaz Butt is revealed...