The Reverse Sweep

England vs South Africa - too close to call again?

We were fortunate enough to attend the inaugural lunch of the Wisden 150 Club at the Kennington Oval earlier this week where Michael Atherton and Allan Donald relived their memorable contretemps at Trent Bridge in 1998 as well as other notable encounters between the two.

Whilst the Chatham House Rule prevents us from divulging what Messrs Atherton and Donald actually said whilst we enjoyed a glass or two of a rather fine Bordeaux, we were reminded that clashes between South Africa and England tend to be extremely close.

Think back to 1994 where Devon Malcolm’s nine for 57 squared the series at The Oval, or 1995 where after four drawn Tests including Atherton’s famous 185 not out at the Wanderers South Africa prevailed in the final Test at Cape Town. Three years later in England, the home side came back from one-nil down to take the last two Tests and the series. Then in 2003, having ended Nasser Hussain’s reign as skipper and scoring double hundreds in each of the first two Tests, Graeme Smith saw his side pegged back at The Oval to see the series end two Tests apiece.

England then won another close series in South Africa in 2004/05 as they toned up for a titanic Ashes series six months later. The two-one score-line was reversed in the summer of 2008 when Smith finally led his side to a series win in England and saw the back of another home skipper in the shape of Michael Vaughan. Finally, in 2009/10, England somehow escaped with a drawn series having secured thrilling nine-wicket down draws at Centurion and Newlands.

By now you probably get the picture – England and South Africa Test series are always close and if anything this upcoming series could be the closest yet as there does not appear to be a hair’s breadth between the sides. Whilst the series is scandalously being played over just three Tests – especially as it pits the best two teams in the world against each other (forget the updated ICC rankings published at the weekend, which surely erroneously placed Australia at number two), a thrilling contest awaits.

As the home side, England probably just have the edge, but an opposition containing batsmen such as Smith, the classy Hashim Amla, Jacques Kallis and the underrated AB De Villiers plus a bowling attack of Dale Steyn, Morne Morkel, Vernon Philander and Imran Tahir will provide Andrew Strauss’ team with an almighty Test.

After a seemingly never-ending diet of Twenty 20 and fifty over cricket, the series cannot come soon enough even if the biblically bad weather will no doubt rear its ugly head. We’re so excited, we’ve even started updating this blog again!

Where next?

Who gets in an England-South Africa composite XI?

The pursuit of greatness & the England cricket team

The Plan by Steve James | Book review

If you like this, follow us on Twitter @thereversesweep

South Africa's trouble at home

Pakistan seem to be doing quite nicely thank you despite security concerns preventing them from playing home internationals in their own country. As England may well find out in a few weeks, the pitches in Dubai, Abu Dhabi and Sharjah have proved a home from home for Misbah-ul-Haq's side.

South Africa must be giving serious consideration to inventing security concerns in their own country given that they have not won a series at home since defeating the mighty Bangladesh in both Tests of a two match series way back in November 2008.

Since then they have lost one and drawn another series with Australia, also drawn with India and somehow let England escape with a 1-1 scoreline back in 2009/10.

What is the reason for this malaise? It is certainly not because they are a weak side. Dale Steyn at his best is reminiscent of Malcom Marshall in his pomp and a top six containing the likes of Hashim Amla, AB De Villiers, Graeme Smith and Jacques Kallis is as good as any in world cricket.

An unadventurous approach, a surprising tendency for batting collapses and the lack of a penetrating spinner whilst Imran Tahir gets his bearings are all possible reasons, but there must be a confidence issue too.

What else can explain the performance against a Sri Lankan side that hadn't won in its 15 previous Tests and had never won a Test in South Africa?

Smith's side may well right the wrong in the series decider in Cape Town this week, but the vulnerability that was on show at Kingsmead last week and The Wanderers against Australia just a few weeks ago means that what should be a very powerful side is someway short of challenging England as the best Test side around.

At the moment the sum of England's whole exceeds its parts, the same can not be said for the Proteas.

Where next?

The best Test XI of 2011

Read our Cricket Review of 2011

Dale Steyn's formidable statistics

Check out all our Reverse Sweep cricket heroes and zeroes 

If you like this, follow us on Twitter @thereversesweep

Dear Santa... - What have these cricketers requested for Christmas?

It's that time of year again and like the rest of us, the cricket fraternity have been compiling their list of requests for Santa.

Here's what some of them may have asked for this Christmas: 

Daniel Vettori - Protection. With 2011 having seen a number of dictators leaving this mortal coil, along with President Assad of Syria, Dictator Dan is one of only a handful left

Phillip Hughes - It's not exactly been a good year for poor old Phil, so his list to Santa is bulging with wishes such as a request to rescind his decision to opt out of BBL now that he has lost his Test place, a book of the best Worcester hosteleries ahead of his stint with the county and for Chris Martin and Martin Guptill to be sent on a one-way mission to Mars

Ricky Ponting - A time machine so he can relive past glories

Salman Butt, Mohammad Asif and Mohammad Amir - A DVD of The Great Escape and a tunnel making kit

Chris Gayle, Dwayne Bravo and Kieron Pollard - Lucrative contracts in the new Twenty 20 leagues in Outer Mongolia, Belarus and the Falkland Islands

Stuart Law - A one way ticket from Dhaka to Brisbane

Ijaz Butt - World War III 

Kevin Pietersen and Andy Flower - A bottle of paraffin, some matches and a lorry full of Graeme Swann's autobiography

Jonathan Trott - A Bob Willis voodoo doll

Jesse Ryder, Jacques Kallis and Graeme Smith - A KFC bargain bucket per day for life

Shane Warne - Some humility

Kamran Akmal - A new pair of gloves made of industrial strength velcro coupled with a small accident for brother Adnan

Darren Sammy - Catching lessons from Kamran Akmal

Sachin Tendulkar - Something about a 100th hundred. Not quite sure what that is all about

Shane Watson and Zaheer Khan - New bodies in time for the Boxing Day Test.

Where next?

Chasing Sachin by Adam Carroll-Smith | Book Review

Jack Hobbs by Leo McKinstry | Book review

Check out some of our Cricket XIs: They also played cricket, Rugger Buggers, Cricketing Criminals , A team of cricketers that died young, The Worst Australia Ashes XI of the last 30 years, The Worst England Ashes XI of the last 30 years

Check out all our Reverse Sweep cricket heroes and zeroes 

If you like this, follow us on Twitter @thereversesweep

2nd Test: South Africa v Australia - South Africa marks out of 10

Graeme Smith - 5: Undone by Johnson first time around and the extra bounce of Lyons in the 2nd innings. Gamble to bring on Tahir in the final throes of the chase failed.

Jacques Rudolph - 5: Looked well set in both innings before two tame dismissals. Will need to start kicking on to resist the claims of Alviro Petersen for his spot in the side.

Hashim Amla - 9: Was content to be circumspect as Kallis blasted away at the other end on day one, before playing what appeared to be the crucial knock of the Test with his 2nd innings hundred. Averages over 70 since the start of 2010 and on this form has a claim to be the best batsman in the world today.

Jacques Kallis - 6: 1st innings 54 off just 41 balls was very un-Kallis like, before the big man was out-foxed by Cummins second time around. Disappointing with the ball again: he now averages 53 with the ball since the start of 2010 in stark contrast to the 80 he offers with the bat. Can he now be classed as an all-rounder?

AB De Villiers - 7: A pair of fluent fifties only tells half the story as his shocking 2nd innings dismissal poking at one from Cummins started South Africa's slide.

Ashwell Prince - 6: Nice 50 on day one before needlessly holing out to mid-on and then run out by Amla second time around.

Mark Boucher - 5: Safe enough with the gloves, but his batting powers look in decline as evidenced especially by his ridiculous dimissal in the 1st innings when his side needed him to dig in. 

Vernon Philander - 8: Two Tests, two five-fors and 14 wickets at 14. Where has he been? Bowled intelligently throughout and led the attack admirably as Steyn and Morkel failed to deliver in the 2nd innings.

Dale Steyn - 7: Brilliant in the 1st innings to inspire the South African fightback and Australian collapse, but not at his best second time around and will rue his late drop of Cummins. Useful 41 with the bat looked to have made Australia's target too stiff.

Morne Morkel - 5: Disappointing on a ground that usually suits him - think England in 2010. Can be a top bowler but is inconsistent too often.

Imran Tahir - 5: Mopped up the tail nicely in the 1st innings as a good leg-spinner should, but perhaps a bit disappointing second time around. But it was only his 2nd Test and Tahir is clearly a better option than Paul Harris.

Where next?

2nd Test: South Africa v Australia - Australia marks out of 10

1st Test: South Africa v Australia - South Africa marks out of 10

1st Test: South Africa v Australia - Australia marks out of 10

Dale Steyn's formidable statistics

What Jacques Kallis had for breakfast this morning

Has Ricky Ponting lost his punch?

Check out all our Reverse Sweep cricket heroes and zeroes 

If you like this, follow us on Twitter @thereversesweep

1st Test: South Africa v Australia - South Africa marks out of 10

Graeme Smith - 9: Guided his side to victory with his fourth hundred in a successful fourth innings run chase - the first man to do so in Test history.

Jacques Rudolph - 5: His first Test in five years and he made two appearances in the middle on the same day. Made 18 and 14, but he can't be judged on this crazy game.

Hashim Amla - 8: Amla is to batting what Beethoven and Sinatra are to music, Shakespeare to writing and Olivier to acting. Was given two lives and made the Australians pay with a sublime hundred. Bradman must have been some batsman to have had a career average over twice that of Amla.

Jacques Kallis - 3: Undone on review by Bowden and bowled too short on day one, but at least he was there when the winning runs were scored. 

AB de Villiers - 3: Another to fall victim to the merciless Bowden on review as the South African first innings collapse reached epic proportions.

Ashwell Prince - 2: Missed a full and straight one from Watson to register an unwelcome golden duck.

Mark Boucher - 4: In all the hullabaloo, it was easy to forget that Boucher registered his 500th Test catch when he snared Hughes in the first innings.

Vernon Philander - 9: A stunning debut by anyone's standards even if conditions helped. Put the ball in the right place and was rewarded with eight wickets.

Dale Steyn - 9: Bowled magnificently on day one to show that he is the best bowler in the world today by a country mile: hostility, pace, movement and aggression, Steyn has it all.

Morne Morkel - 8: Bowled too full on day one, but his radar was well and truly functioning on day two as he and Philander inspired the mother of all collapses.

Imran Tahir - 4: Struggled against the quick feet of Clarke, but this was not a pitch or a match for a leg-spinner to make his Test bow.

Where next?

1st Test: South Africa v Australia - Australia marks out of 10

Michael Clarke, Lara Bingle and Australia's 47 all out

Dale Steyn's place in the cricketing pantheon alongside Sachin Tendulkar

Dale Steyn's duel with Michael Clarke

Cricket Heroes: Hashim Amla

Check out all our Reverse Sweep cricket heroes and zeroes 

If you like this, follow us on Twitter @thereversesweep

KP's Summer of Cricket Diary #13: My close brush with death at Lord's

 
I’ve decided to tell the world about my close brush with death at Lord’s last week.

I can reveal that Matt Prior is a patsy just like Lee Harvey Oswald.

As the picture above shows, I was on the balcony and in fairly close proximity to the window that was supposedly broken by Prior’s glove or bat depending on what story you want to believe.

But as far as I am concerned it is all a conspiracy.

The window was broken from the outside, not the inside.

And it was no mere accident either. It wasn’t a bat or glove that broke that window. It was a bullet. A bullet with my name on it.

At first, I thought that it must have been Broad or Finn given how wide of the target the shot was.

But I’m now scared that the culprit was of a much more sinister nature.

I’ve narrowed it down to five suspects:

Jason Gallian – he’s had a grudge against me ever since he threw my kit bag off the Trent Bridge balcony. Since then, my career has gone into orbit whilst his has sunk without trace. I don’t think he’s ever forgiven me for that.

Graeme Smith – he’s had it in for me ever since I called him a muppet. I understand that he is more of a Fraggle Rock fan.

Peter Moores – I got the imbecile sacked and he’s been on my tail ever since.

A representative of the Leg Spinners Union – Apparently ever since I started getting out to left arm spinners, leg spinners across the world have been losing their jobs and have put the blame squarely on me.

My ego – I remember Doug Bollinger saying something about my ego getting me out. Maybe this ego bloke tried to shoot me too?

Some people may think me paranoid, but I’ve got no intention of following other great men like JFK, Martin Luther King and Tupac to an early grave courtesy of an assassin's bullet. I know that bullet at Lord’s was meant for me.

As such I am wondering whether it is safe for me to make the trip to The Rose Bowl for tomorrow’s Test. And it is such a long way from Chelsea anyway, I’m not sure that it works.

Where next?

Matt Prior's Desert Island Discs

Read all the excerpts of KP's Summer of Cricket Diary

Farewell and a tribute (of sorts) to Shane Warne

3rd Test Preview: The Rose Bowl - Will England flower at their newest Test venue?

Follow us on Twitter @thereversesweep

World Cup Team Previews: South Africa - Don't mention the 'C' word...

 
To choke, or not to choke? That is the question for perennial underachievers South Africa. Their World Cup history is littered with tales of campaigns that peaked too early, defeats snatched from the jaws of victory and of course a failure to understand Duckworth Lewis. Will it be different this time?

Strengths

Hashim Amla is arguably the world’s top ODI batsman at present and loves batting on the sub-continent. When you add Smith, Kallis, De Villiers and Duminy to the mix, the Proteas have a formidable batting line-up. Dale Steyn is likely to rival Zaheer Khan as the outstanding quick on show and Morne Morkel and Tsotsobe are pretty good back-up. On paper at least, South Africa look one of the favourites.

Weaknesses

Other than the 'C' word, South Africa are seriously lacking in the spin department unless the recently qualified Imran Tahir (if England can adopt players, why can’t South Africa) can hit the ground running.

Main man

As well as plundering runs like a modern day ODI version of Bradman in the last 12 months, Hashim Amla is simply a joy to behold at the crease. Our tip to be the tournament’s leading run scorer.

Look out for…

The next incredible episode in South Africa’s World Cup tale of woe, or will it be different this time?

Prediction

2^ndin the group and then toppled in the quarter-final by Shahid Afridi’s cornered tigers.

Where next?

World Cup Team previews: Part 1 - India: Glory or effigies?

Our XI to shine at the World Cup

Get your money on Hashim Amla now...

What has happened to JP Duminy?

Jacques Kallis: Cricket's Thomas More - 'A man for all seasons'

Check out all our Reverse Sweep heroes and zeroes featuring amongst others Hashim Amla and Paul Harris

If you like this, follow us on Twitter @thereversesweep

Once upon a time in the court of King Ricky...

 
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, Prince Ricky ascended to the throne upon the death of King Stephen. The King is dead, long live the King.

It was akin to Camelot, King Ricky had at his disposal a quorom of fearsome Knights, the like of whom had not been seen since the time of the Round Table. Chief amongst them was Sir Shane – a Knight that was able to conjure up victory from the jaws of defeat such as in the famous skirmish with the English at the Battle of Adelaide in 2006.

Many foes tried to storm the citadel, but all were easily beaten. King Ricky’s Green and Gold expedition force was also all-conquering overseas apart from a surprise defeat to the English in 2005 where Sir Glenn was felled by an arrow in the ankle, Sir Adam was rendered ineffective and the English found a new hero in Freddie of Preston.

But after being newly installed as Prince Regent of England due to the madness of King Vaughan, Freddie’s attempt to storm King Ricky’s castle a year later was met with ignominious defeat and ultimately the pedalo scandal.

King Ricky was now at the peak of his powers as the most dominant ruler in the world – no arrow could pierce his armour and no sword could breach his shield.

Then at the point of his greatest triumph, Sir Shane succumbed to his gambling habit, absconded from the castle and was last seen consorting with a failed actress. Sir Justin and Sir Glenn departed at the same time and shortly afterwards, Sir Matthew left to become a full-time cook and Sir Adam hung up his helmet to become a well-paid mercenary.

With his best Knights deserting him at the same time, a bereft King Ricky was suddenly vulnerable. Overseas raiding parties now met with regular defeat on the battlefield and the nototiously brittle Proteas army even managed to breach the walls of King Ricky’s castle, before his forces launched a successful counterattack.

But with the newly powerful English landing on his shore in the autumn of 2010 under the astute leadership of Lord Strauss of Radley and his Chief Adviser – a mysterious wizard only known as Flower, King Ricky knew the game was up. His new Knights were not up to the task. Sir Doug wears a toupee for Christ's sake, Sir Twatto has no staying power and is prone to tears, Sir Mitch is just as likely to slice himself open with his own sword then kill any of the enemy, and as for his heir Prince Michael the less said the better.

King Ricky took a gamble. Sir Nathan had proved a steady if uninspiring successor to Sir Shane. But King Ricky didn’t need steady, he needed the X-Factor. So, he knighted his unimpressive steward as Sir Xavier, and Sir Nathan was sent to the haberdashery to sell his old armour.

But, Sir Xavier had no pedigree and failed to impress in the battles at Brisbane and Adelaide. In the aftermath of the latter tussle, his fool Hilditch suggested that King Ricky have a Beer instead and lo and behold that is exactly what happened.

Things got better temporarily at the Battle of Perth, where Sir Mitch and Sir Cricket excelled but the English decimated his army at the Battle of Melbourne and King Ricky himself was wounded as his castle was ransacked by the rampant English sprinkled with some Proteas insurgents.

Too little, too late it was decided to exile the disgraced Sir Xavier and Sir Nathan was handed a new suit of armour for the forthcoming battle for the Holy Grail. King Ricky and his predecessor have successfully held onto the precious Grail for 12 years, but either King Strauss, King Muppet or King Mahendra all look set to wrest it from his grip over the coming weeks.

All seems lost for King Ricky. He has even taken to humming a tune from the famous English songsmith Sir Christopher of Martin:

“I used to rule the world / Seas would rise when I gave the word / Now in the morning I sleep alone / Sweep the streets I used to own ...”    

The inevitability of final defeat awaits and King Ricky knows that his folly of placing his kingdom in the hands of the untried Sir Xavier has proved to be a mistake of the most deadly proportions.

Prince Michael, it would seem, is already practicing his apologies and planning a new tattoo for his coronation - not that he is going to be King of much.

Where next?

Is this Ponting's cataclysmic epitaph?

Michael Clarke joins Linkin Park

Ashes 2010/11: Australia series marks out of 10

Ashes 2010/11: England series marks out of 10

Shane Watson: Finally the bride 

Check out all our Reverse Sweep heroes and zeroes including amongst others Nathan Hauritz, Justin Langer, Matt Hayden, Brett Lee, Sachin Tendulkar, Andy Flower, Andrew Hilditch and Hedley Verity

Follow us on Twitter @thereversesweep

England's Dirty Dozen

 
After all the talk of securing the Ashes before Christmas and going through the tour unbeaten, England certainly came crashing back down to earth in Perth. Indeed, the collapse from 78/0 to 187 all out in the first innings was so disappointing that Icarus himself could have been the pilot of England’s doom. And it got worse in the second innings too with the capitulation for 123 reminding us that being an England cricket fan can be tough.

In fact, with alarming regularity, England’s batting has a tendency to brittleness and being prone to collapse like a house of cards in a force nine gale. On far too many occasions in our 30 years of following England expectation and anticipation can quickly turn into crushing disappointment, misery and despair.

Here is a dirty dozen of England’s worst batting performances over this time. Unfortunately, it is not an exhaustive list but merely one compiled of those disasters that come most easily to mind.

1. 51 all out, 2^nd innings, vs West Indies, 1^st Test, Kingston, 2009

In an inauspicious start for Andy Flower in his  first match in charge, England started their 2^ndinnings 74 runs behind. Just 33.2 overs later England were all out for 51. Coincidentally, this was almost a role reversal of what had happened at the same ground five years before when Steve Harmison, with 7 for 12 had bowled the West Indies out for 47.

2. 46 all out, 2^nd innings, vs West Indies, 3^rd Test, Port of Spain, 1994

Having played well throughout the match, England had been set 194 to win and were confident even though they needed to get the better of Curtly Ambrose and Courtney Walsh to reach their target. Nineteen overs of hostile fast bowling later, England were dismissed for a paltry 46, Ambrose with 6 for 24 and Walsh 3 for 16.

3. 79 all out, 2^nd innings, vs Australia, 1^st Test, Brisbane, 2003

After Nasser Hussain’s bizarre decision to give Australia first use of a flat Gabba track, England were always chasing this game especially with Matthew Hayden scoring a century in each innings. Set an unlikely 463 to win, England were demolished for 79. And Mark Butcher scored 40 of this dismal total!

4. 175 all out, 2^nd innings, vs Pakistan, 1^st Test, Multan, 2005

After dominating this match, with Marcus Trescothick scoring 193 in England’s 1^stinnings and Andrew Flintoff taking match figures of 8 for 156, England were set 198 to win on the last day of the 1^stTest. However, they fell 22 runs short to the express pace of Shoaib Akhtar and the wily spin of Danish Kaneira. The balloon of optimism from the 2005 Ashes success had been burst after only one match.

5. 129 all out, 2^nd innings, vs Australia, 2^nd Test, Adelaide, 2006

On the flattest of flat pitches England had scored 551 for 6 in their 1^stinnings, with Paul Collingwood scoring a double century. Although Australia had responded with 513 all out, surely England couldn’t lose from here?  Even the Australians, Shane Warne apart, expected the game to meander to a draw. However, after a shocking and timid display England were bowled out for 129 in 73 overs. Australia won by six wickets, and England, with Flintoff crying as he bowled, never recovered and lost the series 5-0.

6. 82 all out, 1^st innings & 93 all out, 2^ndinnings, vs New Zealand, 2^nd Test, Christchurch, 1983

Not one but two dismal batting performances in the same match. The nadir of a shambolic tour to the land of the long white cloud in 1983 was the 2^ndTest at Christchurch, where after New Zealand made 307 in their 1^st innings, England were shot for 82 and 93, following on, to lose by an innings. Richard Hadlee had match figures of 8 for 44.

7. 162 all out, 2^ndinnings, vs New Zealand, 4^th Test, The Oval, 1999

In this fourth and deciding Test of the series, England suffered the ignominy of defeat against a New Zealand side that had previously been ranked the worst team in Test cricket. Chasing 245 to win, England slumped from 123 for 2 to 162 all out to replace the Kiwis at the bottom of the rankings. Fortunately, Nasser Hussain recovered from this inauspicious start to his captaincy to help forge a more resilient England side in tandem with Duncan Fletcher.

8. 203 all out, 1^st innings, vs South Africa, 2^ndTest, Headingley, 2008

England were shot out for 203 by a South African side that had just had to save the 1^stTest at Lords. England, who had brought the hitherto unknown Darren Pattinson in for Collingwood, were blown away in 52.3 overs. South Africa responded with 522 and England eventually lost by ten wickets. This defeat and another one in the following Test at Edgbaston led to the resignation of Ashes hero Michael Vaughan as skipper.

9. 222 all out, 2^nd innings, vs Pakistan, 3^rd Test, The Oval, 2010

Having recovered from 94/7 in the first innings thanks to Matt Prior’s 84, England started their second innings 75 behind Pakistan. However, with Alastair Cook hitting a career saving hundred, England were 81 ahead with only two wickets down. Then Cook’s demise led to a sorry procession and the last seven wickets fell for 28 and despite a late flurry of wickets, Pakistan won by 4 wickets.

10. 155 all out, 1^st innings, vs Australia, 1^st Test, Lords, 2005

After bowling the Aussies out for 190, with Harmison taking 5 for 43, England collapsed to 21 for 5 thanks to their nemesis Glenn McGrath. Although the Aussies went on to win this battle by 239 runs, England won the war, the adulation, the Trafalgar Square celebrations and their MBEs.

11. 180 all out, 1^st innings and 169 all out, 2^{nd innings} vs South Africa, 4^th Test, Johannesburg, 2010

Having escaped by the skin of their teeth in the previous test at Cape Town, England went into the final test at The Wanderers needing just a draw to win the series. Unfortunately as at the WACA, the pitch had pace and bounce, and when Andrew Strauss was out to the first ball of the match, England’s defeat seemed inevitable. They weren’t helped by Daryl Harper’s ineptitude in the video umpire’s chair enabling Graeme Smith to be reprieved on the way to a hundred, but it was their inability to face the pace barrage from Dale Steyn and Morne Morkel - who snared 14 wickets between them - that hastened their doom.

12. 102 all out, 1^st innings, vs Australia, 4^thTest, Headingley, 2009

With all the talk before hand being about how a win would enable England to regain the Ashes (remind anyone of anything?), a confident Strauss elected to bat on a bowler friendly Headingley surface. But, fears that in the absence of Kevin Pietersen, the England batting was totally reliant on Strauss came to pass. With Stuart Broad batting too high at seven in the absence of Flintoff, and the selectors continuing to rely on an out of his depth Ravi Bopara, at number three, Australia roared back into the series. Happily for England, they bounced back to win the series and the Ashes in the next test at The Oval – can they repeat the trick in Melbourne?

Where next?

Read all the latest from our Ashes 2010/11 coverage

England's 10 best test wins of the noughties

Check out all our Reverse Sweep heroes and zeroes

If you like this, follow us on Twitter @thereversesweep

Five days in cricket

Well we've quite a lot these last five days whilst we've been in hospital for the happy event of the birth of our daughter Isabella. Catching up we've missed some predictable and some not so predictable events.

1. We missed a brilliant game of cricket between India and Pakistan with Harbhajan Singh again proving he is the man for the big event.

2. England beat Scotland easily in a one day international and supposed slowcoach Andrew Strauss scored at a much quicker rate than greyhound opening partner Craig Kieswetter.

3. Australia were given a scare by Ireland. And then were also given a minor fright by Middlesex before Cameron White again underlined his credentials to be the next Australian captain in all formats. We saw too that Owais Shah gave a gentle reminder to the England selectors that he is still around.

4. We were delighted to miss test centuries by Graeme Smith and Jacques Kallis as they were no doubt mind numbingly boring and efficient. At last the West Indies have shown a bit of fight in their reply though. One other observation is that test matches in the Caribbean have become slow and turgid affairs. When you add South Africa to the mix that equals utter tedium.

5. More games took place in the FP t20 and crowd numbers no doubt fell further as even the most ardent supporters start to tire of a never-ending competition that makes the overbloated cricket world cup look like Kate Moss in comparison. We did see that our county Sussex continue to do well though.

6. We were bemused to see that the PCB rescinded the ban on its best batsman Younis Khan and then promptly didn't pick him for the upcoming tests against Australia and England. So the lunatics are still in the charge of the asylum.

7. And finally, England's football team has surpassed itself with its utter incompetence. And the malaise has a warning for cricket too. More of which later.

But all in all, it's good to be back.

1st Test: England's marks out of 10

It ended up being tougher than most observers thought it would be, but victory in the first test at Lord's was still a fairly comprehensive one for England. After a poor first day, Bangladesh showed a lot of pluck as the players drew inspiration from the quite brilliant batting of Tamim Iqbal.

England on the other hand seemed to be suffering from a hangover from the World T20 party, and in truth it was a follow-up as disappointing as The Stone Roses 'Second Coming', other than impressive performances from Jonathan Trott and fledgling fast bowler Steven Finn. Here are the marks out of 10 for the England XI:

Andrew Strauss - 8  Scored at least 80 in both innings and looked to be in good touch following a poor start to the season with Middlesex. Will be disappointed not to convert either score into a hundred and to not still be in the middle when the winning runs were hit. His captaincy was not at its inspiring best and he looked like a man who wanted five instead of four bowlers.

Alastair Cook - 5 Scores of 7and 23 are a poor return against this attack; although Cook was unlucky to be adjudged leg before in the first innings. Will hope to fill his boots in the second test at Old Trafford, which starts on Friday.

Jonathan Trott - 9 It is difficult to quibble about a man who has just scored a double hundred, but we are still not sure Trott is the right man to bat at three for England. That said, you can only score runs off the attack put in front with you and the Warwickshire man did that with relentless aplomb. Isn't the most attractive batsman to watch and compared to Tamim, Trott's batting is like staring at drying paint.

Kevin Pietersen - 6Treated his first innings knock like a net and clearly isn't quite out of Twenty 20 mode yet. KP tends to raise himself for the big occasion though and this match was more like a routine round of drinks than a christening for his new baby. Was sharper in the field than with the bat though with his excellent run out of Tamim in Bangladesh's first innings. Is hopefully saving his best for the Aussies.

Ian Bell - 5 A bad match for Bell. His stratospheric average against Bangladesh plummeted and the success of Trott, means that he is probably now chasing his Warwickshire team mate for an Ashes spot rather than eyeing him in his rear view mirror.

Eoin Morgan - 6 Questions as to whether his unorthodox style is suited to test cricket were partly answered when the Irishman unveiled one of his audacious reverse sweep's early in his first test innings. A 44 on debut is not bad, but we will learn more about Morgan's Ashes credentials if he gets a chance later in the summer against Pakistan.

Matt Prior - 5Ran himself out in his only visit to the crease, which will have annoyed him intently with all the talk about Craig Kieswetter. Did well enough behind the stumps.

Tim Bresnan - 4 A poor match for Bresnan. We now know that i) he is not a test match opening bowler, and; ii) he shouldn't be in the team as one of four bowlers. Was wasteful with the new ball in both innings as Tamim and Imrul Kayes gave Bangladesh flying starts; Tamim actually appeared to be contemptuous of the Yorkshireman's bowling. Did reasonably well with the bat, but is this doughty trier really a test match cricketer? It was a good test match for the resting Stuart Broad.

Graeme Swann - 4 This was not a good match for England's Cricketer of the Year. No wickets and a chastening experience against the sword of Tamim Iqbal. Still, Swann was due a poor match and if this means he will be back to his best against Pakistan and Australia, who cares? Another suffering a no doubt rum induced hangover from the Caribbean party.

James Anderson - 6 Looked a bit rusty after his recent return from injury and from a benchwarming role in the Caribbean. Poor with the new ball at the start of both Bangladesh innings, but better with the second new ball each time. When conditions allow for swing, Anderson is extremely dangerous, but once the sun comes out he can be a bit toothless. How does that bode for Australia?

Steve Finn - 9 You couldn't ask for more than nine wickets in your first home test match. Although clearly not the finished article, Finn bowled well in both innings and troubled all of the Bangladeshi batsman with the natural bounce and lift he derives from his 6'7" frame. His bowling hero is reportedly Glenn McGrath and if Finn can become McHalf (thanks to Dave the Bard Bird for that one!) the bowler, all England supporters will be absolutely delighted. Will now be odds on to start in the XI at the Gabba, but some caution is needed here as Australia (and Pakistan for that matter) represent a very different proposition to Bangladesh.

Openers - an endangered species?

Once upon a time an opening batsman, especially a test match opening batsman used to be a member of an exclusive club. Noticeably different from their middle order colleagues in style and technique, the opening batsman was considered a specialist role and certainly not one that non-openers were queueing up to try.

My, how things have changed. These days the number of specialist openers actually opening the batting is so few, I am starting to wonder if they are going the way of the dodo.

Take Australia for example. Shane Watson used to be an injury prone, under-performing all-rounder who was lucky to bat as high as six. Now he has been reborn as a test match opener who has surprised everyone (probably even himself) by being a success and keeping a specialist opener with a career average of 60 (Phillip Hughes) out of the side. His partner in crime is another former middle-order batsman turned opener in Simon Katich, who has also been significantly more successful since his rebirth.

Other countries are no different. Tillakaratne Dilshan was an underperforming number six who was in and out of the Sri Lankan side. Now he is Son of Sehwag and has taken to opening like a politician to sleaze as he replaced another reinvented opener Sanath Jayasuriya at the top of the order. Sehwag himself, lest it not be forgotten, was also a middle order batsman before realising that his best route to a regular spot in the Indian team was to reinvent how openers should approach test cricket.

Maybe teams like Pakistan and New Zealand should take note. The former have never replaced Saeed Anwar as a succession of specialist openers have struggled in the role since his retirement. Maybe Umar Akmal should have a go at emulating Sehwag and Dilshan? The Black Caps have similarly struggled since the departure of Mark Richardson (and he started as a number 11!) and arguably even all the way back to John Wright. I am sure that SuperDan(iel Vettori) will soon be taking on that role as well.

Chris Gayle and Tamim Iqbal are hardly typical opening batsmen, with their carefree approach more Sehwag than Boycott. And even those starch conservatives South Africa have taken to reinventing Ashwell Price and Neil McKenzie, one with more success than the other, rather than picking a specialist opener to partner Graeme Smith.

Which leaves England. Here at last in the bastion of cricket tradition is a test side with two specialist openers in Andrew Strauss and Alastair Cook. Forget fads like pinch-hitters. Forget reinventing Kevin Pietersen as an opener, specialists like cucumber sandwiches and warm beer will continue to be the preserve of at least on cricket team in the World.

So whilst thanks to the home of cricket, the specialist opener is not quite extinct yet, they clearly need an endangered species tag around their necks.

Shane Warne, a Rajasthan revival and a big helping of humble pie

Last week I confidently predicted that the only thing that Rajasthan Royals were going to win in this year's IPL was the wooden spoon.

I've got nothing against Rajasthan and I've especially got nothing against Shane Warne. Admittedly, I loathe PowerPoint presentations, marketing and brand management and all these were in evidence at the Royals global franchise press conference a few weeks ago at Lord's.

But my confident prediction was based on Rajasthan's dreadful performances in their first three matches culminating in the embarrassing defeat by 10 wickets to Bangalore, where they were hustled out for 92 and then Jacques Kallis and Manish Pandey chased the target down in just over 10 overs. With twoof their best players, Graeme Smith and Dimitri Mascarenhas injured and out of the tournament, and the Damien Martyn experimenthaving failed at the cost of over $5,000 per run, Rajasthan looked a shambles.

But Shane Warne does not have a reputation as an inspirational leader for nothing and the Royals now look like a galvanised unit. Michael Lumb, who would be in my England squad for the World T20, has stepped into Smith's shoes and done well. Yusuf Pathan, repeated his incredible hitting exploits against Mumbai, with another six laden innings yesterday against last year's winners Deccan Chargers. Shaun Tait has found his straps along with Sumit Narwal and with Shane Watson to come in, Rajasthan suddenly look buoyant.

Deccan followed in the footsteps of Kolkata Knight Riders and Kings XI Punjab as Rajasthan have now recorded three wins in a row. Maybe a repeat of their victory (see above) in the inaugural tournament is not now out of the question. If they do achieve what would be an incredible turnaround then you can bet that poker addict Warne will be the one playing the wiliest hand.

And me, I'll enjoy eating my humble pie. Can I have some custard on it please?

Spinners With Attitude (S.W.A) announce debut album

The increasing domination of international cricket by finger spinners has taken a new twist with Sulieman Benn and Ray Price joining forces to make a rock/rap album. The two have developed a reputation as 'in the face of the batsman' bowlers, something normally the sole reserve of mean fast bowlers such as McGrath, Ambrose and Fred Trueman.

Benn and Price readily admit that the project, named after the notorious gangsta rap act N.W.A, is intended to increase the profile of finger spinners and further intimidate cowing batsmen, with the end result being more wickets. Benn of course, was recently incarcerated following his threatening behaviour to the defenceless Brad Haddin and Mitchell Johnson (see picture). Now released, Benn has vowed vengeance on the pair and is relishing the challenge of putting Johnson's mum in her place as well.

Price admitted that the main reason behind his rise to number 2 in the ICC ODI bowler rankings is equally down to his menacing air and skill as a bowler. The pair hope to add Harbhajan and possibly Graeme Swann to their posse in the near future though completely refuted suggestions that Nathan Nauritz and Paul Harris were also in their sights. "They're pussies", was all Benn was prepared to say about the Australian and South African finger spinners. Price added that Hauritz was "meek" and Harris "a laughing stock" and that their gang credentials were "pretty much zero".

The album will be out at the end of March and includes tracks such as "I'm a finger spinner, twisted finger spinner" (a take on the Prodigy's "Firestarter", "Rebel Rebel", "No Wicket, You Die" (a twist on the Bob Marley classic 'No Woman, No Cry", and "I Kill Batsmen" (the Dead Kennedy's "I Kill Children" with amended lyrics).

International cricket's batsmen are reported to be quaking in their boots...

 

Steyn's in obviously, but who else makes a current World Test XI?

Having declared our allegiance to Dale Steyn as the best bowler in the World (for once the rankings do not lie), how would the rest of a current World Test XI shape up?

 

Here is my team based on form over the last year or so... 

 

1. Graeme Smith (South Africa) – The heart says Dilshan or Gayle, but the head goes for the Proteas captain, who may not be the best batsman to watch but who always seems to score runs when his country most needs them - especially against England. Grrrr!  

2. Virender Sehwag (India) – Sehwag is not merely a man, he is a God.

3. Gautam Gambhir (India) – You cannot argue with his record over the last 12 months even though doubts remain whether he can do it against the very best (as shown against South Africa over the last few days) or away from the sub-continent. Would be a good number 3.

4. Kumar Sangakkara (Sri Lanka, Captain) – Gets in ahead of Ponting as the Australian captain has not been in the best form over the last year or so. Sangakkara has scored runs both on and away from the sub-continent and is a class player. Gets the captain's role for being the most intelligent and articulate cricketer playing the game today.

5. Sachin Tendulkar (India) – I’d like to go to India one day, so the Little Master has to be in the XI! Seriously, though his record over the last three years is second to none as his ton today against South Africa ably demonstrated.

6. Jacques Kallis (South Africa) – Three centuries in his last five tests with the most recent in Nagpur being one of his best. Like his countryman Smith, not the best player to watch but the proof in the pudding is the fact that he just keeps on scoring runs. And he can bowl too.

7. Mahendra Singh Dhoni (India), The Indian captain has been in excellent form with both bat and gloves over the last year and just pips Boucher and Haddin.

8. Daniel Vettori (New Zealand) – With Warne and Kumble gone, Murali fading and Harbhajan too inconsistent, it is New Zealand’s one man team who pips Swann for the spin role in the XI.   

9. Mitchell Johnson (Australia) – In the battle of the inconsistent quicks, it is MJ who beats Morne Morkel (and Zaheer Khan) to a place in the XI. Johnson has an uncanny knack of taking wickets when he is bowling pies a la Ian Botham, which gets him a place in my side.

10. Dale Steyn (South Africa) – The best bowler in the World. Any fast bowler who can take ten wickets in a match in India deserves to be worshipped. Thank God he was only match fit for the last two tests against England.

11. Mohammad Amir (Pakistan) – If he can steer clear of illicit and performance enhancing drugs, Amir’s nagging accuracy would be a good foil to the pace of Steyn and Johnson in this XI.

12^th Man. Graeme Swann (England) – Would come in for Johnson if two spinners were required. His first year in test cricket has been sensational.

Arthur the victim of hubris

Who'd have thought that just 13 months after beating the Aussies on their home turf in the Boxing Day test to secure the series the victorious coach Mickey Arthur would be forced to resign?

Since becoming the first side in over 10 years to win a test series down under, which followed straight after a test series win in England, South Africa's record has been poor despite for a time being ranked the number one side in the ICC rankings.

A home series defeat to an Australian side containing a journeyman such as Andrew MacDonald and a drawn series with England also at home had put Arthur and skipper Graeme Smith under pressure - particularly because negative cricket had cost them victories at Centurion and Cape Town.

Two wins, three defeats and two draws from seven home tests is poor by anyone's standards (except Bangladesh) especially when you have Steyn, Kallis, Smith et al in the line-up.

It seems that having sweated blood to get to the top of the tree, the Proteas took their foot off the gas, had too many braiis and just expected their opponents to bend over for an arse whipping. Arthur as coach must take some of the blame for this.

However, the timing of his resignation and the sacking of an unknown bowling coach as well as the selection panel four days before the team is due to fly for India is surprising to say the least - especially as the same selection panel was allowed to choose the tour party only days earlier.

Maybe Cricket South Africa thinks it is a premier league football team, making it mandatory to sack the coach at least once a year? Maybe it is simply because Arthur stole the last crate of Castle from the fridge? Wherever the truth lies the Proteas task in India is now even tougher.

Parity restored: South Africa's series marks out of ten

Graeme Smith and his men were cock-a-hoop after squaring the series at The Wanderers, although this will be tainted somewhat by the fact that they weren't able to take one more wicket at Centurion or Cape Town.

Here are my marks out of ten for the series for the Proteas:

Graeme Smith - 8: Centuries in the last two tests made him the leading runscorer in the series even if luck was on his side in both innings. Not the most attacking captain in the World, which certainly contributed to his side not getting over the line in Pretoria and Cape Town and loses him a point in the final analysis.

Ashwell Prince - 3: A shockingly poor return of 97 runs at an average of 13.85 suggests that South Africa will be looking for a new opener for the Indian tour. A decent player but not suited to opening.

Hashim Amla - 8: A solid series built around two big partnerships with Smith at Cape Town and Johannesburg. Given he was at the crease early most times he batted and did well, Amla could find himself opening in India.

Jacques Kallis - 8: Another good series for Mr Consistent with tons at Centurion and Cape Town and is still the wicket most prized by South Africa's opponents. Unsurprisingly after a rib injury, his bowling lacked the usual punch.

AB De Villiers - 7: Three fifties but only a highest score of 64 suggests that De Villiers needs to quell his impetuosity at times and take a leaf out of Kallis' book. The best fielder on either side.

JP Duminy - 6: Had a shocker as a batsman with a highest score of 56 and an average just over 16, which suggests he may not be the next great batsman that some have suggested. But as a bowler he outshone the lacklustre Harris and claimed eight wickets during the series including a spell at Cape Town that nearly won his side the match.

Mark Boucher - 9: Excellent with the gloves and even better with the bat scoring 341 runs at an average of 57 during the series. His 95 at Johannesburg took the game away from England after they had got back into the match on the third morning.

Morne Morkel - 8: When he was good he was absolutely devastating as 19 wickets in the series at 21 suggests, but is still at times frustratingly inconsistent as proved by his spell with the new ball on the final afternoon at Newlands.

Dale Steyn - 9: For once the ICC rankings are accurate as Steyn bowled like the best bowler in the World in the final two tests once back to full fitness. If he had played at Centurion, would England have survived?

Paul Harris - 4: A very poor series from a spinner who seems to get little spin and non-existent turn. The main reason why his side failed to finish off England at Cape Town. Outshone by the part-timer Duminy and may struggle to return to the side after being left at Johannesburg.

Friedal De Wet - 6: Devastating spell with the new ball in the final session at Centurion nearly won his side the test match. Was then overlooked for Durban and injured for most of the Newlands test. Will come again.

Makhaya Ntini - 3: Seemed to be way past his best at Centurion and Durban and that may be the last we see of him in test cricket. At least won his 100th cap at Centurion - a deserved reward for a fantastic career and a man who has transcended sport in his home country.

Wayne Parnell - 6: Made his debut at Johannesburg and took the scalps of Strauss and Pietersen as his first two test wickets. Extremely promising bowler who can expect to become a feature in the test side.

Ryan McLaren - 6: Also made his debut in the final test and took the important wicket of Collingwood in the first innings. Useful contribution with the bat as well.   

BREAKING: Smith lovechild rumours may explain Harpergate

Those looking for reasons behind Daryl Harper's shocking error not to give Graeme Smith out on appeal earlier today has taking a surprising twist.

For those on Mars who didn't see the incident, England referred a caught behind appeal to the third umpire after Smith appeared to edge an attempted cut off Ryan Sidebottom.

A clear noise was heard on the replays run by Sky Sports so England supporters expected an early breakthrough to be confirmed with the dismissal of the Saffers captain and joint best batsman along with Kallis.

Harper who has been the subject of several posts on this site with regards to his utter ineptitude inexplicably denied the appeal and Smith carried on his merry way to a century that could level the series.

At first it was thought that the error lay with the SABC with rumours abound that the sound was not working on their equipment.

It was then discovered that Harper had forgotten to turn up the volume in the third umpire box.

This is inept even by Harper's dreadful standards.

But now we can reveal the truth. Harper didn't turn up his equipment on purpose. And why....

Because allegations are growing that Graeme Smith is Harper's lovechild.

Well they are both muppets.  

England decide to be crap again

Ashes success, 1-0 up in the series, two nine wickets down draws and a great chance to emulate the Vaughan side of 2004/05. A lot of plaudits were flowing towards Andrew Strauss and his men.

But on the verge of an infamous series victory they decided that they wanted to be crap again.

Firstly, Onions was bizarrely ejected in favour of Sidebottom who hasn't played a test since an absolutely shocking performance in the West Indies and who had been twiddling his thumbs on the sidelines for weeks.

What a way to treat Onions after his heroics at Centurion and Cape Town. He's bowled well too without getting much luck.

That was step one. Step two was when Strauss chose to bat when he won the toss.

Remember that we only need to draw the test to win the series. Given the state of the pitch and the overhead conditions, surely it made more sense to bowl first?

At least we couldn't lose the match in less than two sessions that way.

But no, uncharacteristically Strauss took the attacking option and chose to bat. And then a diamond duck for him and chaos reigned despite Colly and Bell's best endeavours (again).

The whole miserable day smacks of Headingley. But this time there is no Oval afterwards to win the series.

And Smith is the luckiest batsman in the World, so will probably fluke his way to another ton. Whilst Kallis will grind us into the ground again.

So England supporters are now praying for a miracle or rain....

...for four days.

Bugger.