The Reverse Sweep

Daryl Harper - Goodbye and good riddance

Not all of our Cricket Zeroes are players...

Umpiring is a difficult job at any level of cricket. But it is downright impossible when you are as deaf, dumb and blind as Daryl Harper.

Despite a trail of blunders, which if depicted on embroidered cloth would be longer than the Bayeux Tapestry, Harper incredibly stood in 94 test matches and 174 one day internationals, and has only today been mercifully removed from the ICC elite list of umpires. Halle-bloody-lujah!

Harper reached the nadir of his ineptitude during the South Africa-England test series early in 2010 when he managed to both make and break the case for the UDRS. When making decisions in the middle, Harper seemed to be part of a secret ICC plot to justify the review system such were the sheer number and utter ineptness of his quite dreadful decisions that were overturned by the TV umpire. Then when he took his turn in the TV umpire's chair, Harper forgot to turn up the volume so missed the audible edge from Graeme Smith's bat in the final test of the series at The Wanderers.

Daryl Harper. Probably the worst umpire in the world. Goodbye and good riddance.

Where next?

1st Test: Cardiff - Preview: England reach for the feel good hit of summer

Cricket Zeroes: Billy Bowden

Cricket Zeroes: Charles Colville

Check out all our other Reverse Sweep heroes and zeroes

If you like this, follow us on Twitter @thereversesweep

The 'real' home of cricket? Not quite, as it turns out...

 
The Reverse Sweep and his brood were back in England last week looking at property and crèches in and around Haslemere in Surrey. Yes, after six years in the South of France the triple realities of a meaningful career, schools and easy access to a support network plus an unhealthy addiction to county cricket mean that we are likely to move back to Albion at some point this summer.

We picked a good week to visit the UK. For once, the weather was better than it was in Cannes, and we also got to miss England’s embarrassing capitulation against Bangladesh in the World Cup – more of which later.

Now Mrs Reverse Sweep is quite keen on living in a picturesque English village, so off we went to Chiddingfold, a quintessential Surrey village a couple of miles outside the town of Haslemere fully equipped with a gastropub, private school, village green, golf course and the all important cricket club.

Bingo!

So having placed Chiddingfold right at the top of our list of places we want to live (yes, it really was that beautiful) we headed north towards Witley.

And then The Reverse Sweep almost crashed the ridiculously cumbersome hire car we were driving.

Not because of a fox, peacock or any other type of suicidal wildlife, but because the road sign said that we were one mile from Hambledon.

Yes, that Hambledon – arguably the real home of cricket and site of the foremost cricket club of the 18th Century.

What better than to combine our twin loves of cricket and history and stop off to touch the hallowed turf.

Or so we thought.

Despite a nagging doubt in our minds that the Hambledon Cricket Club in question was actually in Hampshire and not Surrey, we ignored any negative thoughts and trawled the roads of the small and inconsequential hamlet in a desperate attempt to find the cricket ground.

When we did that nagging doubt turned into crushing disappointment. There was no way that the ramshackle cricket pitch in front of us could be the home of the Hambledon Cricket Club. There was no pavilion. There was no memorial to commemorate the scene of Hambledon’s former glories.

Sadly, this was irrefutably not the real home of cricket.

And at the same time as The Reverse Sweep trudged back in disappointment to the aforementioned hire car uttering more expletives than Graeme Swann to Daryl Harper, Mahmudullah and Shafiul Islam were applying the final rites to England’s World Cup hopes in Chittagong.

Double disappointment doesn’t even go near enough.

Where next?

Cricket Zeroes: Daryl Harper

Read about our other cricket heroes and zeroes

Check out our Reverse Sweep XIs

Read all our 2011 World Cup posts here

If you like this, follow us on Twitter @thereversesweep

England's Dirty Dozen

 
After all the talk of securing the Ashes before Christmas and going through the tour unbeaten, England certainly came crashing back down to earth in Perth. Indeed, the collapse from 78/0 to 187 all out in the first innings was so disappointing that Icarus himself could have been the pilot of England’s doom. And it got worse in the second innings too with the capitulation for 123 reminding us that being an England cricket fan can be tough.

In fact, with alarming regularity, England’s batting has a tendency to brittleness and being prone to collapse like a house of cards in a force nine gale. On far too many occasions in our 30 years of following England expectation and anticipation can quickly turn into crushing disappointment, misery and despair.

Here is a dirty dozen of England’s worst batting performances over this time. Unfortunately, it is not an exhaustive list but merely one compiled of those disasters that come most easily to mind.

1. 51 all out, 2^nd innings, vs West Indies, 1^st Test, Kingston, 2009

In an inauspicious start for Andy Flower in his  first match in charge, England started their 2^ndinnings 74 runs behind. Just 33.2 overs later England were all out for 51. Coincidentally, this was almost a role reversal of what had happened at the same ground five years before when Steve Harmison, with 7 for 12 had bowled the West Indies out for 47.

2. 46 all out, 2^nd innings, vs West Indies, 3^rd Test, Port of Spain, 1994

Having played well throughout the match, England had been set 194 to win and were confident even though they needed to get the better of Curtly Ambrose and Courtney Walsh to reach their target. Nineteen overs of hostile fast bowling later, England were dismissed for a paltry 46, Ambrose with 6 for 24 and Walsh 3 for 16.

3. 79 all out, 2^nd innings, vs Australia, 1^st Test, Brisbane, 2003

After Nasser Hussain’s bizarre decision to give Australia first use of a flat Gabba track, England were always chasing this game especially with Matthew Hayden scoring a century in each innings. Set an unlikely 463 to win, England were demolished for 79. And Mark Butcher scored 40 of this dismal total!

4. 175 all out, 2^nd innings, vs Pakistan, 1^st Test, Multan, 2005

After dominating this match, with Marcus Trescothick scoring 193 in England’s 1^stinnings and Andrew Flintoff taking match figures of 8 for 156, England were set 198 to win on the last day of the 1^stTest. However, they fell 22 runs short to the express pace of Shoaib Akhtar and the wily spin of Danish Kaneira. The balloon of optimism from the 2005 Ashes success had been burst after only one match.

5. 129 all out, 2^nd innings, vs Australia, 2^nd Test, Adelaide, 2006

On the flattest of flat pitches England had scored 551 for 6 in their 1^stinnings, with Paul Collingwood scoring a double century. Although Australia had responded with 513 all out, surely England couldn’t lose from here?  Even the Australians, Shane Warne apart, expected the game to meander to a draw. However, after a shocking and timid display England were bowled out for 129 in 73 overs. Australia won by six wickets, and England, with Flintoff crying as he bowled, never recovered and lost the series 5-0.

6. 82 all out, 1^st innings & 93 all out, 2^ndinnings, vs New Zealand, 2^nd Test, Christchurch, 1983

Not one but two dismal batting performances in the same match. The nadir of a shambolic tour to the land of the long white cloud in 1983 was the 2^ndTest at Christchurch, where after New Zealand made 307 in their 1^st innings, England were shot for 82 and 93, following on, to lose by an innings. Richard Hadlee had match figures of 8 for 44.

7. 162 all out, 2^ndinnings, vs New Zealand, 4^th Test, The Oval, 1999

In this fourth and deciding Test of the series, England suffered the ignominy of defeat against a New Zealand side that had previously been ranked the worst team in Test cricket. Chasing 245 to win, England slumped from 123 for 2 to 162 all out to replace the Kiwis at the bottom of the rankings. Fortunately, Nasser Hussain recovered from this inauspicious start to his captaincy to help forge a more resilient England side in tandem with Duncan Fletcher.

8. 203 all out, 1^st innings, vs South Africa, 2^ndTest, Headingley, 2008

England were shot out for 203 by a South African side that had just had to save the 1^stTest at Lords. England, who had brought the hitherto unknown Darren Pattinson in for Collingwood, were blown away in 52.3 overs. South Africa responded with 522 and England eventually lost by ten wickets. This defeat and another one in the following Test at Edgbaston led to the resignation of Ashes hero Michael Vaughan as skipper.

9. 222 all out, 2^nd innings, vs Pakistan, 3^rd Test, The Oval, 2010

Having recovered from 94/7 in the first innings thanks to Matt Prior’s 84, England started their second innings 75 behind Pakistan. However, with Alastair Cook hitting a career saving hundred, England were 81 ahead with only two wickets down. Then Cook’s demise led to a sorry procession and the last seven wickets fell for 28 and despite a late flurry of wickets, Pakistan won by 4 wickets.

10. 155 all out, 1^st innings, vs Australia, 1^st Test, Lords, 2005

After bowling the Aussies out for 190, with Harmison taking 5 for 43, England collapsed to 21 for 5 thanks to their nemesis Glenn McGrath. Although the Aussies went on to win this battle by 239 runs, England won the war, the adulation, the Trafalgar Square celebrations and their MBEs.

11. 180 all out, 1^st innings and 169 all out, 2^{nd innings} vs South Africa, 4^th Test, Johannesburg, 2010

Having escaped by the skin of their teeth in the previous test at Cape Town, England went into the final test at The Wanderers needing just a draw to win the series. Unfortunately as at the WACA, the pitch had pace and bounce, and when Andrew Strauss was out to the first ball of the match, England’s defeat seemed inevitable. They weren’t helped by Daryl Harper’s ineptitude in the video umpire’s chair enabling Graeme Smith to be reprieved on the way to a hundred, but it was their inability to face the pace barrage from Dale Steyn and Morne Morkel - who snared 14 wickets between them - that hastened their doom.

12. 102 all out, 1^st innings, vs Australia, 4^thTest, Headingley, 2009

With all the talk before hand being about how a win would enable England to regain the Ashes (remind anyone of anything?), a confident Strauss elected to bat on a bowler friendly Headingley surface. But, fears that in the absence of Kevin Pietersen, the England batting was totally reliant on Strauss came to pass. With Stuart Broad batting too high at seven in the absence of Flintoff, and the selectors continuing to rely on an out of his depth Ravi Bopara, at number three, Australia roared back into the series. Happily for England, they bounced back to win the series and the Ashes in the next test at The Oval – can they repeat the trick in Melbourne?

Where next?

Read all the latest from our Ashes 2010/11 coverage

England's 10 best test wins of the noughties

Check out all our Reverse Sweep heroes and zeroes

If you like this, follow us on Twitter @thereversesweep

If cricketers were World Cup footballers...

During the World Cup, we couldn't help noticing the similarities between some of the teams and players with their counterparts in cricket. The most obvious example of course, being the dysfunctional French team with the equally chaotic pakistan team of the last 12 months.

We've noticed several other doppelgangers as well.

Cristiano Ronaldo and Kevin Pietersen - Both are supremely talented, but also ever so slightly in love with themselves and a bit fey. Like to be centre of attention and divide opinion like no other in their respective sports so that you either love them or hate them. Incidentally, we love KP at the Reverse Sweep but hate Ronaldo - see what we mean?

Lionel Messi and Sachin Tendulkar - By contrast these superstars go about their respective business of scoring (or creating) goals and runs with professionalism and decorum. Both also are considered by many as the second greatest in their sports behind Maradona and Bradman.

Franz Beckanbauer and Shane Warne - Both enjoyed rubbing English noses into the ground during glittering careers, and both now reserve their ire for their former foes through the press. Warney has already questioned England's chances of retaining the Ashes this winter and Der Kaiser made several barbs against Fabio Capello's men in South Africa. Let's hope at least Warne is wrong.

Steven Gerrard and Michael Clarke - Although both Gerrard and Clarke are good players they are perhaps rated better than they actually are. Clarke was a poor choice as Australian Twenty 20 skipper and the downbeat Gerrard has proved just as bad for England in the World Cup. The similarities don't end there as anyone who has witnessed the two of them in their say a lot, say nothing press conferences.

Mauricio Espinosa and Daryl Harper - Espinosa was the linesman who failed to spot that Frank Lampard's shot had gone over the line. Just as in need of a trip to Specsavers is the diabolical Harper who's performance in the recent South Africa-England series made Espinosa look like he has 20/20 vision in comparison. Espinosa may be blind, but Harper is both blind and deaf given that he missed the audible edge from Graeme Smith when sitting in the video umpire's chair.

 

John Terry and Shoaib Malik- If Mohammad Yousuf is to be believed then Malik was the chief mutineer amongst the Pakistan players that so unsettled his and Younis Khan's captaincies. Terry tried and failed to launch a mutiny amongst the England camp in South Africa - if he changed his name to Jean Thierry, he may have been more successful.

Jonathan Trott / Craig Kieswetter and Miroslav Klose / Lukasz Podolski - England have populated their cricket side with South Africans like Trott and Kieswetter and reaped the rewards. Similarly, Gerrmany have rebuilt its football side with non-Germans such as the sharpshooting duo of Klose and Podolski. Fabio Capello now knows how Ricky Ponting feels.

Nicolas Anelka and Andrew Symonds - Les enfants terribles. Anelka was sent home early from the World Cup for supposedly calling France manager Raymond Domenech to "Go fuck yourself, you son of a whore", whilst amongst Symonds' many misdemeanours, he was sent home from the World T20 in England last summer for being drunk.

Robert Green and Herschelle Gibbs - Gibbs famously dropped the World Cup according to Steve Waugh's famous sledge. Green didn't actually drop the World Cup as England clearly were never going to win it, but his butter fingers will prove to be as equally indicative of his team as Gibb's drop was of his team of chokers.

Patrice Evra and Chris Gayle - Both were captain's of teams that refused to train or play. Evra will not go down in history as a great French leader like De Gaulle or Napoleon; indeed he even makes Sarkozy look good in comparison. 

Wayne Rooney and Yuvraj Singh - Both turned up patently unfit to their country's big tournament of the year and proceeded to underperform, although Rooney at least had the excuse of being injured rather than have eaten too many poppadoms.   

Dear Daryl

No words are necessary, click on the link and LISTEN! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eGPhUr-T6UM

A bridge too far: England's series marks out of 10

Even as a fairly one-eyed England fan I have to begrudgingly admit that South Africa probably deserved to square the series. England will look back on the Johannesburg test as a missed opportunity and some will doubtless refer to the shocking performance of 3rd umpire Daryl Harper as the pivotal reason. 

Certainly, Harper reached new levels of ineptitude with his shocking performance in the TV umpires chair and his biggest mistakes (the failure to reverse the Smith caught behind and his mistake in reversing the De Villiers caught behind) cost England a lot of runs. However, England have only themselves to blame for such a damp squib of a performance with only Paul Collingwood and Graeme Swann emerging with only credit. Finally, England were made to pay for having too many batsmen out of form and not contributing.

This leads nicely to my marks out of ten for each England player for the series:

Andrew Strauss - 5: Surprisingly poor return with the bat as it was not as if he didn't look in good nick. What a contrast with his phenomenal run scoring in the 2004/05 series. Steady captaincy with an extra pat on the back for the spirit he has engendered within the side, which ultimately led to the backs against the walls escapes at Centurion and Newlands.

Alastair Cook - 7: Battling century at Durban helped set up victory but failed to go on after good starts in both innings at Newlands. Certainly looked in better form than he did in the Ashes and his place is safe for the foreseeable future now.

Jonathan Trott - 5: Simply doesn't look like a test match number three, although his stoical resistance in the second innings at Centurion helped save the game. Looked like a rabbit caught in the headlights in Johannesburg and should be dropped down the order.

Kevin Pietersen - 4: Massively disappointing especially as he made a promising start at Centurion with 40 and 81. Looks shorn of confidence and must now be picked for the Bangladesh tour in hope that he will rediscover both form and zest. Still seems to be suffering from a hangover from the captaincy debacle.

Paul Collingwood - 9: Started and ended the series in good form and his epitaph should read that he was the architect of the three great escapes at Cardiff, Centurion and Cape Town. The only batsman that turned up at Johannesburg and the numerous 'experts' calling for his head after the Ashes look foolish now.

Ian Bell - 8: Wonderful career saving century at Durban was followed up by a contrasting 78 at Newlands that helped save the game. May find that he will be given another chance at number three and will hopefully take his new found confidence from this tour to finally deliver in what should be his best position.

Matt Prior - 6: Much improved with the gloves but still flatters to deceive with the bat when it really matters as shown by his quick exits in the second innings at Centurion and Cape Town plus both innings at Johannesburg. May find Craig Kieswetter breathing down his neck come the Ashes next November.

Stuart Broad - 6: An average of just over ten with the bat suggests that a test match number seven he is not. Did well enough with the ball especially at Durban where he and Swann sparked a dramatic collapse. Should be picked for the Bangladesh tour as there is still significant room for improvement.

Graeme Swann - 9: England's leading bowler with 21 wickets and an extremely useful return with the bat also, where he should now be elevated above Broad in the batting order. Has a talismanic like effect and his ability to take a wicket in the first over of a spell is amazing.

James Anderson - 6: Still too inconsistent to be the true leader of the attack. For a bowler of his quality to take no wickets on a friendly Johannesburg pitch is not good enough. Should be rested from the Bangladesh tour in order that he can get his knee sorted out.

Graham Onions - 6: Bowled well without much luck and his ill fortune continued when he was inexplicably left out in Johannesburg. His ball to remove Kallis at Cape Town was arguably the ball of the series and his fortitude with the bat at Centurion and Newlands helped save England from a series reverse.

Ryan Sidebottom - 5: Did reasonably well at Johannesburg considering he hadn't played for weeks and who knows what could have happened if Mr Harper had turned the sound up when Sidbottom induced that edge from Smith.  

BREAKING: Smith lovechild rumours may explain Harpergate

Those looking for reasons behind Daryl Harper's shocking error not to give Graeme Smith out on appeal earlier today has taking a surprising twist.

For those on Mars who didn't see the incident, England referred a caught behind appeal to the third umpire after Smith appeared to edge an attempted cut off Ryan Sidebottom.

A clear noise was heard on the replays run by Sky Sports so England supporters expected an early breakthrough to be confirmed with the dismissal of the Saffers captain and joint best batsman along with Kallis.

Harper who has been the subject of several posts on this site with regards to his utter ineptitude inexplicably denied the appeal and Smith carried on his merry way to a century that could level the series.

At first it was thought that the error lay with the SABC with rumours abound that the sound was not working on their equipment.

It was then discovered that Harper had forgotten to turn up the volume in the third umpire box.

This is inept even by Harper's dreadful standards.

But now we can reveal the truth. Harper didn't turn up his equipment on purpose. And why....

Because allegations are growing that Graeme Smith is Harper's lovechild.

Well they are both muppets.  

BREAKING: Daryl Harper is a double agent, scuppers ICC plot

Last week The Reverse Sweep exclusively revealed  that a dossier had come into its possession that provided shocking evidence of the ICC's desperate plan to justify the ridiculous Umpire Decision Review System.

Before the dawn of 2010 the only fans of the system were the Channel 9 Cheerleaders Squad, who let's face it still yearn for the days of World Series Cricket when television held the cricket world to ransom.

Thankfully the Sky Sports, TMS and Test Match Sofa teams have all remained sceptical of an obviously flawed system

So the ICC devised a plan to gain support for the UDRS amongst cricket players, supporters and commentators worldwide.

That plan was unleashed on an unsuspecting cricket public in the 3rd Test between England and South Africa at Newlands.

As you may recall the plan was simple but brilliant.

It was codenamed Daryl Harper.

The ICC decided that the only way it could gain support for the UDRS would be to send the most incompetent umpire in cricket history to Cape Town and let his ineptitude take hold.

And Harper's diabolical decisions against Prince and KP resulted in the appearance that the UDRS was not such a bad system.

So I suggested that the only solution to stop support for the UDRS continuing to grow was to annihilate the Australian umpire. And I called for anyone who knew any friendly muggers or carjackers in Johannesburg, to please pay them generously.

Well, today Harper finally broke under the pressure.

After being moved into the third umpires chair by the ICC in order to further promote the UDRS, he buckled.

Asked to review the Cook dismissal he missed Morkel's blatant no-ball, upheld the on-field umpire's decision and thus helped condemn England to oblivion in the 4th test.

And suddenly the UDRS doesn't work again.

And now we can exclusively reveal that Harper is not only an agent of the evil ICC.

But also of a sinister force only known as Beefy and an avowed opponent of the UDRS.

Hopefully Harper will get his just deserts and someone will put a bomb in his UDRS equipment.

Prick. 

BREAKING: Shocking ICC plot to justify UDRS revealed

A dossier has come into the possession of the Reverse Sweep today.

It provides shocking evidence of the ICC's desperate plan to justify the ridiculous Umpire Decision Review System.

Before the dawn of 2010 the only fans of the system were the Channel 9 Cheerleaders Squad, who let's face it still yearn for the days of World Series Cricket when television held the cricket world to ransom.

Thankfully the Sky Sports, TMS and Test Match Sofa teams have all remained sceptical of an obviously flawed system

So the ICC had to come up with a plan to gain support for the UDRS amongst cricket players, supporters and commentators worldwide.

That plan has been unleashed on an unsuspecting cricket public in the 3rd Test between England and South Africa at Newlands.

And today The Reverse Sweep exclusively reveals details of the plot.

It is called Daryl Harper.

The ICC decided that the only way it could gain support for the UDRS would be to send the most incompetent umpire in cricket history to Cape Town and let his ineptitude take hold.

Already Harper's diabolical decisions against Prince and KP have resulted in the appearance that the UDRS is not such a bad system.

So the only solution to stop support for the UDRS to continue to grow is to annihilate the Australian umpire.

So if anyone knows any friendly muggers or carjackers in Cape Town or Johannesburg, please pay them generously.