The Reverse Sweep

Zeroes: Channel 9's Gatorade Heart Monitor

We've written before of our disdain for the coverage of cricket on Channel 9. The dreadful one-eyed commentary is one thing, but the blanket advertising is even worse.

We can just about live with the KFC Classic Catch and even the plugs for the Cricket Australia Travel Agency, but the Gatorade Heart Monitor plunges below the depths of acceptability.

You don't need to have had even rudimentary medical training to know that a fast bowler's heart rate will increase during a bowling spell or that a batsman who has just run a quick single will also have more beats per minute. The whole thing is absolutely pointless.

What makes it worse of course is when you combine the Three Amigos of Mark Taylor, Michael Slater and Ian Healy with the aforementioned heart monitor. Forget the glorious cover drive, the fantastic running catch or a rip-snorting bouncer, it is far more interesting to talk about how one of the protagonists heart rates has gone up by five beats per minute as a result of their exertion.

All it does for us is to reach for the remote to press for the mute button and the pins for our Michael Slater doll.

For being the most pointless invention in cricket history and for actually making Bill Lawry sound interesting, the Gatorade Heart Monitor as misused by Channel 9 is an an absolute Reverse Sweep zero.

Where next?

Check out all our other Reverse Sweep heroes and zeroes

Read our shocking expose on the ICC's cunning plan to justify UDRS here

Read our exclusive on the Channel 9 guidelines for its commentary team here

Zeroes: Bill Lawry

 
For the most part, we are really looking forward to the upcoming Ashes series despite the inevitable sleep deprivation caused by watching the action through the night from Europe and then having to spend the day in the office.

But the thought of having to put up with the Channel 9 Cheerleading Commentary team is not one we are relishing and chief amongst them is our nomination for the worst commentator in cricket broadcasting history - Bill Lawry.

Lawry is the most biased and one-eyed commentator we have ever had the misfortune of hearing. His stock phrase of the "crowd lovin' it" grates and his failure to recognise that there is another team on the pitch as well as the Australians is beyond annoying. Granted some of the English commentators like Ian Botham are pretty bad, but Lawry really takes the biscuit in our opinion.

Lawry's enthusiasm for the crowd is in stark contrast to the fact that as a player he used to bore them to sleep with his batting. Indeed, he was once described as "a corpse with pads on" by the acclaimed journalist Ian Wooldridge on account of his ultra-defensive style. Even if he was a decent player with a test average of 47 from his 67 tests, it sounds like he was as painful to watch as a player as he is to listen to as a commentator.

For assaulting the ear drums of cricket watchers for nearly thirty years, Bill Lawry is a Reverse Sweep zero. Rest assured, that whilst we are watching the Ashes in the early hours the sound on the television will be turned down whilst either Test Match Special or Test Match Sofa is on the radio.

Where next?

10 things about the Ashes NOT to look forward to

Guidelines for Channel 9 Cricket Commentary Team Revealed

Check out all our other Reverse Sweep heroes and zeroes

Ashes 100-1: 25 - 10 things NOT to look forward to in the Ashes

 
With the England team en route to Perth and the 1st Test at Brisbane now less than four weeks away, the Ashes suddenly seems so much closer. The excitement is certainly starting to build and like all cricket fans we at the Reverse Sweep cannot wait for the action to begin.

But there are many aspects of the Ashes not to look forward to. Here are ten:

1. The Channel 9 Commentary team

Australia may have provided some of the best cricketers in history, but it has also produced some of the worst commentators. Richie Benaud apart and let's face it he should stick to the Sanatogen at his age, the team consists of the token Pom - Mark Nicholas and then the Australian cheerleading squad of Healy, Taylor, Lawry and Slater. One can only hope that the likes of Atherton and Hussain will be employed to provide some more articulate words. If not there is always Test Match Sofa.

2. Michael Clarke's Press Conferences

Let's be honest, the vast majority of modern day cricketers spout utter banalities at the plethora of press conferences they have to attend. Graeme Swann and the old guffaw from Kevin Pietersen apart, listening to the others is like sticking pins in your eyes. But the worst culprit has to be Michael 'I only speak in the third person' Clarke. The reason why there will never be a big screen at Beachy Head is because anyone watching and listening to Clarke would consider suicide a better option.

3. Blanket advertising

Australian television is not quite as bad the US for mindless advertising, but it isn't far off. If it wasn't bad enough having to listen to the Channel 9 idiots, the regular plugs for the KFC Classic Catch, the Cricket Australia Travel Agency and worst of all the Gatorade Heart Monitor will have you pressing for the mute button and the pins for your Michael Slater doll.

4. Zombies

For those of us watching the action in the UK (or France, in our case) through the night, the Ashes will lead to an increase in the number of sleep deprived zombies on the streets, which can't be a good thing as far as road traffic accidents and work productivity in a (near) recession are concerned.

5. John Buchanan

For some inexplicable reason, England have hired the former Australian coach as a 'consultant' for the series. So far he seems more akin to a double-agent with his unhelpful comments about Kevin Pietersen. Indeed, we're with KP on this - Buchanan is a 'nobody' and anyone (even Peter Moores) could have coached the Australian side during his era at the helm. Faced with a choice of listening to Michael Clarke or Buchanan spouting crap, we'd opt for Clarke every time.

6. Adelaide

The Adelaide Oval is one of the best and most picturesque cricket grounds in the World. However, for any England supporter who witnessed the events of the final day at Adelaide in the 2006/07 series, even the merest mention is likely to bring on heart palpitations and three-month long nightmares.

7. Mitchell's Mother

Some cricketers have to cope with publicity hungry girlfriends and wives - just ask Michael Clarke. But poor old Mitchell has to cope with his mother, who makes that complete waste of space Jordan seem mild in comparison. Expect to see Mrs Johnson with her rolling pin and apron waiting at the boundary edge throughout the series to give the wayward Mitchell a piece of her mind.

8. History

Those of us that follow England are probably more confident about this Ashes series down under than any since 1986/87 - and even then England were labelled as the team that 'can't bat, can't bowl and can't field' early on that tour. But a quick look at the history books will quickly tell us that England have only won four series in Australia since World War II and one of those in 1978/79 was against an Australian side weakened by several defections to World Series Cricket. History is clearly not on England's side.

9. Shane Watson

Even most of the Australian fans don't like the preening excuse for a man that is Watson. However, he seems to have transformed from an all-rounder made of glass into an opening batsman who keeps inexplicably scoring buckets of runs. If James Anderson proves to be as ineffectual with the kookaburra as feared, expect Watson to fill his boots. Losing would be hard enough, but seeing Watson do well would probably be too much.

10. 5-0 references

If Australians were understandably amused by the English media conveniently forgetting about the 2006/07 series when the Ashes were at stake in England last summer, expect the reverse this time. Don't be surprised if 2009 becomes Australia's Afghanistan - the 'forgotten war' as the heat rises before Brisbane. And if Australia win there...

Where next?

REVEALED: New Pakistan Player Code of Conduct

Zeroes: Shane Watson, John Buchanan

EXCLUSIVE: Kevin Pietersen's Ashes Diary

R.I.P Bill McLaren

This is a blog about cricket but there are exceptions.

Yesterday, the voice of Rugby Bill McLaren died at the age of 86. Without a shadow of a doubt he was a giant amongst sports commentators.

When I was a kid, he was the voice that soundtracked my growing interest in rugby and in particular the then Five Nations.

He was brilliant and did exactly what a commentator should do - add something to the ebb and flow of the match, and be a complement not an unwelcome distraction (like the clowns of the Channel 9 cricket cheerleaders team).

Watching rugby has not been the same since Bill retired in 2002.

Rest in peace Bill as you join some other giants of sports commentary such as Arlott and Johnston. You will be missed.

EXCLUSIVE: Commentary guidelines for Channel 9 cricket team revealed

Like many cricket fans who tune in from abroad to watch Australia's home tests the enjoyment of watching the cricket is spoiled somewhat by the double-edged sword that is the pathetically jingoistic Channel 9 cheerleaders squad.

This Australian summer has seen the quality of the commentary plunge to new levels of awfulness, so the Reverse Sweep decided to investigate. And lo and behold we have managed to procure a secret Channel 9 document that provides guidance to its team and as such gives damning evidence as to why the 'commentary' team is the worst in TV sporting history.

It's not a very long document with the reasoning seeming to be that the assorted members of the team aren't going to trouble Mensa, so the guidelines need to be concise in order that they are strictly followed. And here exclusively are the guidlines.

TOP SECRET, EYES ONLY: Guidelines for Channel 9 cricket commentary team

Commentary style - Your role is not to provide impartial commentary on the cricket but to act as cheerleaders for the Australian cricket team. Therefore, please refer to the players by their affectionate nicknames such as Punter, Dougie and Pup, and on no account criticise any of the team, so Hauritz is a worthy successor to Warne and not a crap off-spinner who would struggle in grade cricket.

Don't talk about the cricket - The cricket is actually incidental to your main role as cheerleaders (see above), advertisers (see Sponsors) and to spout nonsense (see Individual Styles).

Richie Benaud - Richie is the only commentator who is allowed to provide any sort of insight into what is happening on the field. Therefore, please avoid providing any insightful comments at all.

Sponsors - Please promote these at any opportunity especially KFC, Gatorade and the Cricket Travel Agency. The sponsors are far more important than the cricket - please remember that. So if their is a wicket, don't talk about what happened just focus on the player wearing the Gatorade heart monitor.

Bill Lawry - Bill is your barometer, If you plunge to the depths of his commentary 'ability' then you will be sacked. Please humour his constant references to the crowd "lovin' it" and his generalisations about any opponent Australia is playing.

Replays - This is the only time you talk about the action. Your role is to talk through fifteen replays of each incident always prmoting the power of television.

The Opposition - Don't talk about Australia's opponents unless you are criticising and/or making generalisations (preferably borderline racist) about them. If the opponents are on top you must always talk about how the Aussies are going to turn it around. On no account praise the opposition. 

Individual Styles - Each of you should also follow these individual styles in addition to the above:

Ian Chappell - Please only talk about how much better things were in the 70s when you were captain i.e. be yourself.

Tony Grieg - In everything you say you must hark back to WSC and continually promote the use of technology. Ultimately, your arm is that television controls everything - the toss, bowling changes, field positions, shot selection, even the weather etc.

Mark Nicholas - As the token Pom you must live up to all the Australian generalisations of your motherland i.e. be pompous, spout utter crap and be ever so creepy.

Ian Healy - You are the joker of the pack except on no account are you allowed to be funny. Your special role with regards to the sponsors is to always talk about how much you love KFC you fat b***ard.

Tubby Taylor - You must laugh at Healy's jokes no matter how bad they are and always link them back to your playing days. Apart from that please say nothing.

Michael Slater - Your role is to relay the inane conversations you have had with Ponting, Hussey and other members of the Aussie side before play during the action in a sickeningly gushing way. It is even better if you speak about these chats at completely inappropriate times during the day's play.

Richie Benaud - Don't forget to take your Sanatogen and please always use 50 words when only 10 would be necessary.

Bill Lawry - Your mission is to be the worst commentator in cricket history. And to get worse every day. Please keep talkng about the crowd at all times. Even if the Aussies run a single you say 'the crowd are lovin' it".

Where next?

Zeroes: Bill Lawry

Heroes: Tony Greig

Zeroes: Channel 9's Gatorade Heart Monitor

Check out all our other Reverse Sweep cricket heroes and zeroes 

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