The Reverse Sweep

The Worst Australia Ashes XI of the last 30 years

 
Yesterday, we selected our worst England Ashes XI of the last 30 years, today it is the turn of the Baggy Greens:

Andrew Hilditch – Australia’s Chairman of Selectors wasn’t the worst opener to play against England in this period, but he may have been the most stupid. In the 1985 series, David Gower set the trap for the hook and like a punch-drunk boxer, Hilditch fell for the sucker blow every time.

Rick Darling – Just like his hapless namesake in Blackadder Goes Forth, Darling was like a fish out of water at Test level, which he only played because of World Series Cricket. The lasting memory he left on the Ashes was when he almost died at Adelaide during the 1978/79 series. A piece of chewing gum became lodged in his throat before John Emburey came to the rescue.

Trevor Chappell – Poor old Trevor. Despite doubtless losing every backyard game to his immensely talented brothers, the ugly duckling of the Chappell family still managed to play three tests in the 1981 series - scoring only 79 runs at 15.8. His underarm bowling wasn’t required.

Martin Kent – Unlike his namesake Clark, Martin didn’t turn into Superman during his three tests in the 1981 series where he averaged fewer than 30. The luckless Kent then suffered a serious back injury, which forced his early retirement from the game.

Michael Bevan – Surprisingly for such a fine player who excelled in county cricket, Bevan had a woeful Ashes career averaging 11 in six tests, where a weakness against the short ball proved his undoing.

Phil Carlson – Makes our England all-rounder Pringle look like Miller or Sobers. Carlson played two tests in the WSC affected 1978-79 series and floundered against the short ball, scoring 23 runs in four innings. His bowling was no better with only two wickets at 50.

Graham Manou – Drafted in at the last minute at Edgbaston for the injured Brad Haddin in the 2009 series, Manou made such an impression that he immediately lost his role as the back-up keeper.

Shaun Young – With Gillespie and Reiffel injured and Young being close at hand in Gloucester, he was called up for the final test of the 1997 series at The Oval. He scored four runs and bowled eight wicketless overs as Australia crashed to defeat. Other than having a sex change and starring in Bladerunner alongside Harrison Ford, Young has never been heard of again.

Chris Matthews – Australia had a dreadful side in the 1986/87 series and were duly beaten by Mike Gatting’s England. Matthews was one of the journeymen who appeared taking six wickets in two tests at 39.

Murray Bennett – The slow left armer made Xavier Doherty look like a Warne, O’Reilly or Grimmett in his single Ashes test at The Oval in 1985. Took one wicket for 111 as Gower and Gooch made hay in the sun.

Dave Gilbert – Played his solitary Ashes test in the same Oval test of 1985, where he did marginally better than Bennett in taking one for 96. Just pips Joe Angel and Matt Nicholson to a spot in the XI.

A version of this article first appeared in the third and final edition of Cricket Sadist in November 2010.

Where next?

Cricket Zeroes: Andrew Hilditch

All-time composite Ashes XI

All-time Australian Ashes XI: The Openers, Number 3, 4 and 5, All-rounder, Wicketkeeper, Fast bowlers, Spin Kings

All-time England Ashes XI: The Openers, Number 3, 4 and 5, All-rounder, Wicketkeeper, Fast bowlers, Spin King

The 25 Greatest Ashes Tests of them all: Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3

Check out all our other Reverse Sweep heroes and zeroes

If you like this, follow us on Twitter @thereversesweep

Once upon a time in the court of King Ricky...

 
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, Prince Ricky ascended to the throne upon the death of King Stephen. The King is dead, long live the King.

It was akin to Camelot, King Ricky had at his disposal a quorom of fearsome Knights, the like of whom had not been seen since the time of the Round Table. Chief amongst them was Sir Shane – a Knight that was able to conjure up victory from the jaws of defeat such as in the famous skirmish with the English at the Battle of Adelaide in 2006.

Many foes tried to storm the citadel, but all were easily beaten. King Ricky’s Green and Gold expedition force was also all-conquering overseas apart from a surprise defeat to the English in 2005 where Sir Glenn was felled by an arrow in the ankle, Sir Adam was rendered ineffective and the English found a new hero in Freddie of Preston.

But after being newly installed as Prince Regent of England due to the madness of King Vaughan, Freddie’s attempt to storm King Ricky’s castle a year later was met with ignominious defeat and ultimately the pedalo scandal.

King Ricky was now at the peak of his powers as the most dominant ruler in the world – no arrow could pierce his armour and no sword could breach his shield.

Then at the point of his greatest triumph, Sir Shane succumbed to his gambling habit, absconded from the castle and was last seen consorting with a failed actress. Sir Justin and Sir Glenn departed at the same time and shortly afterwards, Sir Matthew left to become a full-time cook and Sir Adam hung up his helmet to become a well-paid mercenary.

With his best Knights deserting him at the same time, a bereft King Ricky was suddenly vulnerable. Overseas raiding parties now met with regular defeat on the battlefield and the nototiously brittle Proteas army even managed to breach the walls of King Ricky’s castle, before his forces launched a successful counterattack.

But with the newly powerful English landing on his shore in the autumn of 2010 under the astute leadership of Lord Strauss of Radley and his Chief Adviser – a mysterious wizard only known as Flower, King Ricky knew the game was up. His new Knights were not up to the task. Sir Doug wears a toupee for Christ's sake, Sir Twatto has no staying power and is prone to tears, Sir Mitch is just as likely to slice himself open with his own sword then kill any of the enemy, and as for his heir Prince Michael the less said the better.

King Ricky took a gamble. Sir Nathan had proved a steady if uninspiring successor to Sir Shane. But King Ricky didn’t need steady, he needed the X-Factor. So, he knighted his unimpressive steward as Sir Xavier, and Sir Nathan was sent to the haberdashery to sell his old armour.

But, Sir Xavier had no pedigree and failed to impress in the battles at Brisbane and Adelaide. In the aftermath of the latter tussle, his fool Hilditch suggested that King Ricky have a Beer instead and lo and behold that is exactly what happened.

Things got better temporarily at the Battle of Perth, where Sir Mitch and Sir Cricket excelled but the English decimated his army at the Battle of Melbourne and King Ricky himself was wounded as his castle was ransacked by the rampant English sprinkled with some Proteas insurgents.

Too little, too late it was decided to exile the disgraced Sir Xavier and Sir Nathan was handed a new suit of armour for the forthcoming battle for the Holy Grail. King Ricky and his predecessor have successfully held onto the precious Grail for 12 years, but either King Strauss, King Muppet or King Mahendra all look set to wrest it from his grip over the coming weeks.

All seems lost for King Ricky. He has even taken to humming a tune from the famous English songsmith Sir Christopher of Martin:

“I used to rule the world / Seas would rise when I gave the word / Now in the morning I sleep alone / Sweep the streets I used to own ...”    

The inevitability of final defeat awaits and King Ricky knows that his folly of placing his kingdom in the hands of the untried Sir Xavier has proved to be a mistake of the most deadly proportions.

Prince Michael, it would seem, is already practicing his apologies and planning a new tattoo for his coronation - not that he is going to be King of much.

Where next?

Is this Ponting's cataclysmic epitaph?

Michael Clarke joins Linkin Park

Ashes 2010/11: Australia series marks out of 10

Ashes 2010/11: England series marks out of 10

Shane Watson: Finally the bride 

Check out all our Reverse Sweep heroes and zeroes including amongst others Nathan Hauritz, Justin Langer, Matt Hayden, Brett Lee, Sachin Tendulkar, Andy Flower, Andrew Hilditch and Hedley Verity

Follow us on Twitter @thereversesweep

Shane Watson: No longer the bridesmaid & finally the bride

 
Jesus had been given some tough challenges before.

There was that day he had to walk on water, or the wedding when he had to turn water into wine, or even that time he had to feed 5,000 people with just a few loaves of bread and a couple of manky fish.

But yesterday, his task was much more difficult and even less unlikely.

At least it was Sunday, which apparently makes miracles more likely – something about the power of prayer – but this was the ultimate challenge.

Jesus had tried several times before. Eight times he had made it possible for him to reach 30 during the Ashes series, but each time the vain one had thrown his wicket away and as for his running between the wickets...

Then there was that Twenty 20 match, where Jesus had enabled him to score a blistering fifty and take four wickets for not many, but then some spotty debutant called Woakes stole the show at the death. Always the bridesmaid never the bride.

Confidence wasn’t high at the Pearly Gates yesterday. Some shoddy fielding and cack-handed wicket-keeping had enabled England to score 295.

How were Australia going to win from here? And how was Jesus supposed to perform the miracle that would be Shane Watson getting to three figures and leading his team home?

But just to prove that miracles can happen, or more likely that every dog can have its day, Watson went out there and did just that. Yesterday he finally became the bride.

We still don’t like him at the Reverse Sweep, and we didn’t watch the whole innings (anyone that watches all seven ODI deserves a medal in our opinion), but any score of 161 not out in a winning chase in an ODI is a fantastic knock.

Divine intervention occurs in the strangest of places. We may yet see Michael Clarke scoring at a run-a-ball or Steve Smith becoming a test-class leg-spinner, or even Andrew Hilditch admitting that he get it horribly wrong and voluntarily falling on his sword? Ok, even divine intervention cannot make everything possible.

Where next?

Zeroes: Steven Smith

Zeroes: Shane Watson

Zeroes: Andrew Hilditch

Read all the latest from our Ashes 2010/11 coverage

Check out all our Reverse Sweep heroes and zeroes 

Follow us on Twitter @thereversesweep

How England won the Ashes: Part 2 - Inspired selections

 
Let’s be honest, England have made a number of selection blunders in the make-up of their Ashes squads to tour Australia over the last 20 years.

Who can forget that Martin McCague - with catastrophic results - was preferred to Angus Fraser in 1994/95? Or that Andrew Caddick was left out for the 1998/99 trip, despite taking 105 wickets in the summer of 1998. And then in the ill-fated 2006-07 series, that a rusty Ashley Giles got the nod over Monty Panesar for the first two tests.

But there were no guffaws this time. On the contrary, the borderline selections of Chris Tremlett and Tim Bresnan proved to be positively inspired.

They also stuck with Alastair Cook despite before the series the likes of Mike Atherton calling for him to be dropped in place of Eoin Morgan. Of course, Cook then repaid the selectors’ faith by becoming a left-handed reincarnation of Herbert Sutcliffe. The selectors also resisted the temptation to move Jonathan Trott down the order and retained the six batsmen-four bowler policy.

All of these decisions paid off spectacularly. As did the one to keep Ian Bell at six when Paul Collingwood’s form faltered. Moving Bell up the order would just have undermined Collingwood and perhaps even given the Aussies a bit of a fillip – the sight of an in-form Bell coming in at four wickets down must have been soul-destroying for the Australians at times.

The two changes that England made during the series also paid off in spades. Tremlett was a revelation with 17 wickets after replacing the injured Stuart Broad. And what must have been a tough decision to replace Steven Finn with Bresnan for the last two tests also proved correct. Finn may have been the leading wicket-taker in the series at that point, but his economy rate of 4.3 runs per over threatened England’s plan of containment. So out he went, and in came Bresnan, who probably even surprised himself with how well he performed.

Whilst the England selectors deserve a tick in every box, Australia’s were hopeless and clueless despite what that ridiculous excuse for a Chairman Andrew Hilditch thinks. Forced into naming a confused and elongated initial 17 man squad 10 days before the 1st Test by Cricket Australia’s Marketing Department, they then compounded their error by jettisoning incumbent spinner Nathan Hauritz before a ball had even been bowled.

They then panicked after Brisbane by dropping Mitchell Johnson for the clearly unfit Doug Bollinger. Whilst for Perth they concluded that despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, Steve Smith was a number six Test batsman and that the out-of-form and technically deficient Phil Hughes should replace the injured Simon Katich. Admittedly they did get it right by sticking with Mike Hussey and the selection (albeit belatedly) of Usman Khawaja, but the overall picture they portrayed was one of poorly thought out plans, risky and ill-advised punts and a general sense of making it up as they went along.

Not only did England end nearly a quarter of a century of hurt down under by winning the series (yes, we're still gloating), but their selectors transformed from a bunch of bumbling incompetents into Gandalfesque shrewd soothsayars whilst somehow transferring their discarded 'attributes' to their Australian counterparts. That makes it even more satisfying.

Where next?

How England won the Ashes: Part 1 - Preparation

The curious case of Nathan Hauritz

Doug Bollinger as you've never seen him before

Ashes 2010/11: Australia series marks out of 10

Ashes 2010/11: England series marks out of 10

Read all the latest from our Ashes 2010/11 coverage

Check out all our Reverse Sweep heroes and zeroes 

Follow us on Twitter @thereversesweep

Michael Beer's selection for WACA Test explained

 
We've been racking our brains at the Reverse Sweep to understand why Australia have replaced one inexperienced and sub-standard left arm spinner in Xavier Doherty with another in Michael Beer who has even less first-class experience.

We think that we may know the answer. And it is a remarkably simple explanation.

As the Australian selectors convened and Chairman Andrew Hiditch called the meeting to order, he explained that they had a number of tricky choices to make and suggested that they start with the specialist spinner position.

"I think we would all agree that Punter's gamble on his Tasmanian mate hasn't worked. Unfortunately, Xavier doesn't have the X-Factor" Hidlitch may have said.

"The choice seems to be either going back to Little Nathan, or maybe picking another left-arm spinner like Steve O'Keefe or even this guy that Warney has mentioned called Michael Beer. What do you think?"

At this point, the waiter came to the table and asked what everyone wanted to drink.

"Beer" answered David Boon, still thinking wistfully of his recently sacked mate Merv Hughes.

"I'll go for beer too" agreed Jamie Cox.

"Why not, I'll have beer as well" said Greg Chappell.

"Ok, Beer it is" said Hilditch. "That was remarkably easy. Now that's move on to Marcus North's position..." 

Where next?

Zeroes: Andrew Hilditch

Read all the latest from our Ashes 2010/11 coverage

Check out all our Reverse Sweep heroes and zeroes

If you like this, follow us on Twitter @thereversesweep

Zeroes: Andrew Hilditch

 
As the pain for their side continues in Adelaide, we're sure that most Australians would concur with us that their Chairman of Selectors Andrew Hilditch has a lot to answer for. 

Whilst his fellow selectors Greg Chappell and David Boon are also complicit, as Chairman the buck should stop with Hilditch for what has to date been a confused and borderline schizophrenic selection policy.

Nathan Hauritz isn't the greatest spinner in the world, but he isn't the worst either and he'd taken a bag of wickets in the home series against Pakistan and West Indies last summer. So the decision to drop him before the series was strange. As Shane Warne rightly observed, by dropping the incumbent, Hilditch and co put themselves in a difficult position should they need to go back to him.

That they selected a replacement with a first-class bowling average touching 50 only compels the error and surprise, surprise Xavier Doherty has looked out of his depth and has failed to take wickets or tie up an end - indeed he has gone at five an over in Adelaide.

Ever since a 17 man squad was named ten days prior to the 1st Test, Australia's selection policy has looked panickyand confused. True, they got the decision to stick with Mike Hussey right, but the continued retention of North plusthe jettisoning of Hilfenhaus and even Johnson after one only Test smacks of England's selection merry-go-round of the 1980s and 90s. Ricky Ponting certainly didn't seem too impressed with the cards Hilditch had handed him when he spoke immediately before Adelaide.

If one looks for a clue as to why Hilditch's decision making has a tendency to go wonky under any sort of pressure, we only need to look at what he did at the crease during his mostly unsuccessful spell as a Test opener.

Hilditch was rather fond of playing the hook - even if he didn't execute the shot very well. So opposition captains - like David Gower in the 1985 Ashes series - set the trap and like a punch-drunk boxer, Hilditch fell for it every time. His idiocy at falling for the same trick each time was exemplified by the fact that fielders could be seen laughing as he Hilditch departed in the all-too familiar fashion. His last test was against New Zealand - yes, you've guessed it he was out both times to hook shots.

So, Mr Hilditch, if you are thinking about dropping anyone for Perth, perhaps you should hook your own name from the office door before even Doherty's and North's. 

Where next?

Read all the latest from our Ashes 2010/11 coverage

Australia pick Kylie and Dame Edna for the Ashes

Check out all our other Reverse Sweep heroes and zeroes

Follow the Reverse Sweep on Twitter 

The Boundary View: Mr Cricket Thwarts England - Brisbane, Day Two

 
Balance tips to Australia as Hussey exits the Last Chance Saloon

We've written recently that Michael Hussey looked shot as a test batsman. Now that we've wiped the egg off our face - and in our defence he only averaged 34 in his previous 28 tests - we have to commend him on a courageous innings.  Make no mistake when Hussey came to the crease he was playing for his career and when an edge dropped just short of slip to the first ball he faced, the butterflies in his stomach must have been fluttering harder. But he made most of his good fortune and bravely attacked rather than going into his shell - hitting Swann for three boundaries and a six early in his innings and being especially quick onto the pull when the bowlers dropped short.  Hussey's positivity balanced well with an uncharacteristically patient innings from Brad Haddin as Australia recovered from a precarious 143/5 to close just 40 runs behind England's 260.

A good two days for the Australian selectors

Australia's selectors took a lot of flak when first naming a 17 man squad for this test and then for a number of contentious selections in the final XI. But Peter Siddle and Xavier Doherty repaid the faith of Chappell, Hilditch and co yesterday and Hussey did the same today. If Marcus North had done the same then the selectors would have had a full house, but three out of four isn't bad.

Swann attack

Australia's strategy against Graeme Swann is clear - they intend to attack him and hit him out of the attack. At first, the tactics were a success as the spinner's first four overs cost 34 runs. But Swann is nothing if not tough and even if it wasn't one of his better days he fought back well to have North caught at slip and concede just 25 runs from his next 16 overs. 

Resilient England

Swann's refusal to buckle was mirrored by that of his team mates. Previous England teams would have given up the ghost after being bowled out for 260 and then seeing Australia reach 78/0. But Strauss and Flower have created a culture of resilience and with all the seamers bowling well to restrict Australia to a run rate of less than three runs an over, England fought their way back into the match. Australia have the slight edge, but with a new ball available immediately tomorrow morning and his bowlers refreshed from a night's sleep, Strauss will be confident that they can bounce back again.

Anderson and Watson go toe to toe 

The battle in the first session of the day between Anderson and Watson was Test Cricket at its best with some real needle and genuine mutual animosity going on between the pair - indeed it seems clear that Watson is not popular amongst the England players: hmm we wonder why? At first the Australian held the upper hand and was batting well. He looked particularly smug when England's spurious referral to the third umpire for a leg before that was bouncing over was refused. But maybe it unsettled Watson as he edged the very next ball to Strauss at slip to give Anderson the last laugh this time. 

Finn's spectacular dive

Steve Finn's inability to stay on his feet has caused much amusement during his short test career. But he used it to good effect to take a sharp full length diving caught and bowled to dismiss Simon Katich. For once, it was Finn that was laughing as he got to his feet. It was a dive of which Cristiano Ronaldo himself would have been proud.

Player of the day

It has to be Hussey for his career saving innings, even if England were guilty of dropping it short to him too often.

Zero of the day

A close call between Ricky Ponting for getting caught down the leg side just after lunch and Michael Clarke for his strange innings of 9 from 50 balls. We go for Clarke.

What happens next?

Tomorrow is boiling up to be the crucial one in the match. If Australia can see-off the new ball then they should be able to carve out a potentially decisive 100-150 run lead. However, if England make early in-roads we are likely to be down to a one innings match.

Where next?

The Boundary View: Siddle's Joy of Six - Brisbane, Day One

Zeroes: Shane Watson

10 reasons to love Graeme Swann

Ashes 100-1: 6 - Channel 9's Ashes Memorabilia for 2010/11

As we've mentioned before, the cricket comes second to the advertising on Channel 9's cricket commentary. Daniel Gray of World Cricket watch obviously agrees and has taken a stab at what memorabilia the accursed Channel will be flogging this year.

With the sea of voices discussing everything in Australian cricket even remotely Ashes related, there has been one key area where the critics have remained strangely silent. For the good folk at Channel 9, the action on the field may be important, but as anyone who’s watched a Test or two in their life will know, the network sees the matches primarily as a great opportunity to sell overpriced cricket memorabilia.

With the golden age of Australian cricket now behind us, and few momentous accomplishments among the current line-up, I am a bit concerned that Tony and co will have to plumb the depths in order to provide limited edition prints and prop up the network revenue stream for another summer. With that in mind, I have put together a list of quality items for the commentary team to flog this summer.

Ricky's Steak

Before Punter was appointed to the highest office in the country, he was another rough and tumble lad out on the tiles when he wasn’t among the runs. In January 1999, our fearless leader chased the wrong bird and ended up on the tiles, literally. Fronting the media with a black eye the next day was the low point in Ricky’s career at that time, which has of course been surpassed by the 2005 and 2009 Ashes losses to England.

To commemorate the first of many failures in Ricky’s career, Channel Nine is offering 50 lucky viewers a piece of history. The original porterhouse used by Ricky to ice his shiner has been carved up, with each chunk individually numbered and signed by Australia’s captain. This meaty piece of history won’t last long, and at just $750 per chunk it’s sure to sell out fast.

Pup's Chesty

The only thing the public love more than the Australian captain is the vice captain. Right? So opinion polls may show Pup is on the nose, but for one lucky viewer (probably female) we have the chesty Bonds singlet worn by Pup on his return flight from New Zealand earlier this year when he left the tour briefly to deal with some excess baggage.

With original fake tan marks and no damage to the fabric from body hair, this is a collector’s item that will frame the wall in your pool room for years to come. This once in a lifetime item comes in a hot pink frame personally signed by the VC himself. At just $2593 plus postage this is sure to snapped up quickly, so call now.

Mitch's hankies

With the 2010/11 Ashes just days away, what better way to celebrate the spirit of this great series than to commemorate our 2009 loss by purchasing Mitch’s tear stained hankies. Used frequently throughout that memorable series, these hankies are double stitched, softer than silk and wider than necessary, just the way Mitch likes it.

Buy today while Mitch is still in the national team, and celebrate the brief career of our champion fast bowler. Just $450 plus postage, with a payment plan available for those lower income earners out there.

Little Nathan's photo collection

While the English may have a clear advantage in the spin department, the Aussie incumbent has a collection of compromising photographs of the Australian selectors to put Graeme Swann to shame. For the first time, Channel Nine is proud to present gold-framed shots from this rare collection, each personally chosen by Nathan Hauritz himself. No detail has been spared, with a plaque attached to each frame listing which Test match Nathan held his place for after bribing the selector in the shot, and Nathan’s bowling figures in that match.

The first five callers will also receive a copy of the new DVD, ‘From Rags to Rags’, in which Nathan outlines his rise from mediocrity at state level to mediocrity at international level. A great gift for Dad this Christmas! Price varies depends on cricket ability. If you are a future star, pricing starts at $2000 per photo. For members of the general public, the whole collection can be yours for just $9732, with express courier delivery included in the price. You will also receive a personal phone call from Andrew Hilditch, and a place in the next extended Australian Test squad announced later this summer.

So as you can see, despite the cloud currently hanging over our national side, the good folks at Channel Nine will be offering quality merchandise to the general public this summer. Call now to avoid disappointment!

Where next?

Zeroes: Bill Lawry

10 things about the Ashes NOT to look forward to

After Zulqarnain's bunk, we predict the next 11 crazy moments in Pakistan cricket

How to destroy a promising young cricketer

Andrew Hilditch should hang his head in shame.

The real cost of the decision to drop Phillip Hughes in England came home to roost today.

To say it was harsh was an understatement.

He had exploded into test cricket in South Africa.

And helped Australia win the series.

Two tests into the Ashes, he was dropped.

He'd only had three innings and done ok in Cardiff.

And one of his dismissals at Lord's was dubious to say the least.

Ostensibly the decision made sense for Australia.

Shane Watson has done miraculously well as an opener.

But what long term damage has been done to Hughes?

He looked incredibly nervous today.

And even though he was dropped first ball he still got out for a duck.

Maybe he will bounce back and have a long test career.

But if he doesn't everyone will know who to blame.

Andrew Hilditch. The same Andrew Hilditch who didn't pick a spinner at The Oval.

I know whose services I'd dispense with.

But hopefully the Aussies will wait until after the Ashes next year!