I’ve decided to tell the world about my close brush with death at Lord’s last week.
I can reveal that Matt Prior is a patsy just like Lee Harvey Oswald.
As the picture above shows, I was on the balcony and in fairly close proximity to the window that was supposedly broken by Prior’s glove or bat depending on what story you want to believe.
But as far as I am concerned it is all a conspiracy.
The window was broken from the outside, not the inside.
And it was no mere accident either. It wasn’t a bat or glove that broke that window. It was a bullet. A bullet with my name on it.
At first, I thought that it must have been Broad or Finn given how wide of the target the shot was.
But I’m now scared that the culprit was of a much more sinister nature.
I’ve narrowed it down to five suspects:
Jason Gallian – he’s had a grudge against me ever since he threw my kit bag off the Trent Bridge balcony. Since then, my career has gone into orbit whilst his has sunk without trace. I don’t think he’s ever forgiven me for that.
Graeme Smith – he’s had it in for me ever since I called him a muppet. I understand that he is more of a Fraggle Rock fan.
Peter Moores – I got the imbecile sacked and he’s been on my tail ever since.
A representative of the Leg Spinners Union – Apparently ever since I started getting out to left arm spinners, leg spinners across the world have been losing their jobs and have put the blame squarely on me.
My ego – I remember Doug Bollinger saying something about my ego getting me out. Maybe this ego bloke tried to shoot me too?
Some people may think me paranoid, but I’ve got no intention of following other great men like JFK, Martin Luther King and Tupac to an early grave courtesy of an assassin's bullet. I know that bullet at Lord’s was meant for me.
As such I am wondering whether it is safe for me to make the trip to The Rose Bowl for tomorrow’s Test. And it is such a long way from Chelsea anyway, I’m not sure that it works.
Where next?
Matt Prior's Desert Island Discs
Read all the excerpts of KP's Summer of Cricket Diary
Farewell and a tribute (of sorts) to Shane Warne
3rd Test Preview: The Rose Bowl - Will England flower at their newest Test venue?
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