Wow, I am an Ashes winner again and as I explained the other day, my team-mates and England supporters all have me to thank for it.
Back in 2008 when I was captain, I devised a grand plan to get rid of that imbecile Peter Moores even though it meant sacrificing my position as skipper. Well, everyone loves a martyr don't they?
Part 2 of the plan was to develop a supposed weakness against left-arm spin, thus tricking the evil Australians into dropping their star spinner Nathan Hauritz. I had to do something after Hauritz's brilliant bowling got me out at Cardiff in 2009.
I didn't realise how well this would work as first Xavier Doherty and then Michael Beer have been called up by the foolish Australian selectors - it would be like us picking me as a specialist spinner instead of Swanny or maybe even making me captain again - ha ha!
I can now reveal that I should also be given the credit for the rebirth of Chris Tremlett as a world-class bowler after I did all that work with him on my frequent trips to the Rose Bowl, before we both ended up at Surrey. I was also the one that persuaded the selectors to pick Jonathan Trott at the Oval in 2009 and my refusal to bat at three led to Trotty becoming the best batsman since Bradman. You see, I am a batting, coaching and selectorial genius!
I wasalso responsible for the safe evacuation of the Chilean miners, the creation of the coalition government in the United Kingdom and the end of Apartheid in South Africa - even though I was only a small boy at the time, I was Mandela's Chief Advisor.
Next on the agenda is world peace, democracy in North Korea and the renaissance of my good friend Lalit Modi. Now, where did I put those pills...
Where next?
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