It was akin to Camelot, King Ricky had at his disposal a quorom of fearsome Knights, the like of whom had not been seen since the time of the Round Table. Chief amongst them was Sir Shane – a Knight that was able to conjure up victory from the jaws of defeat such as in the famous skirmish with the English at the Battle of Adelaide in 2006.
Many foes tried to storm the citadel, but all were easily beaten. King Ricky’s Green and Gold expedition force was also all-conquering overseas apart from a surprise defeat to the English in 2005 where Sir Glenn was felled by an arrow in the ankle, Sir Adam was rendered ineffective and the English found a new hero in Freddie of Preston.
But after being newly installed as Prince Regent of England due to the madness of King Vaughan, Freddie’s attempt to storm King Ricky’s castle a year later was met with ignominious defeat and ultimately the pedalo scandal.
King Ricky was now at the peak of his powers as the most dominant ruler in the world – no arrow could pierce his armour and no sword could breach his shield.
Then at the point of his greatest triumph, Sir Shane succumbed to his gambling habit, absconded from the castle and was last seen consorting with a failed actress. Sir Justin and Sir Glenn departed at the same time and shortly afterwards, Sir Matthew left to become a full-time cook and Sir Adam hung up his helmet to become a well-paid mercenary.
With his best Knights deserting him at the same time, a bereft King Ricky was suddenly vulnerable. Overseas raiding parties now met with regular defeat on the battlefield and the nototiously brittle Proteas army even managed to breach the walls of King Ricky’s castle, before his forces launched a successful counterattack.
But with the newly powerful English landing on his shore in the autumn of 2010 under the astute leadership of Lord Strauss of Radley and his Chief Adviser – a mysterious wizard only known as Flower, King Ricky knew the game was up. His new Knights were not up to the task. Sir Doug wears a toupee for Christ's sake, Sir Twatto has no staying power and is prone to tears, Sir Mitch is just as likely to slice himself open with his own sword then kill any of the enemy, and as for his heir Prince Michael the less said the better.
King Ricky took a gamble. Sir Nathan had proved a steady if uninspiring successor to Sir Shane. But King Ricky didn’t need steady, he needed the X-Factor. So, he knighted his unimpressive steward as Sir Xavier, and Sir Nathan was sent to the haberdashery to sell his old armour.
But, Sir Xavier had no pedigree and failed to impress in the battles at Brisbane and Adelaide. In the aftermath of the latter tussle, his fool Hilditch suggested that King Ricky have a Beer instead and lo and behold that is exactly what happened.
Things got better temporarily at the Battle of Perth, where Sir Mitch and Sir Cricket excelled but the English decimated his army at the Battle of Melbourne and King Ricky himself was wounded as his castle was ransacked by the rampant English sprinkled with some Proteas insurgents.
Too little, too late it was decided to exile the disgraced Sir Xavier and Sir Nathan was handed a new suit of armour for the forthcoming battle for the Holy Grail. King Ricky and his predecessor have successfully held onto the precious Grail for 12 years, but either King Strauss, King Muppet or King Mahendra all look set to wrest it from his grip over the coming weeks.
All seems lost for King Ricky. He has even taken to humming a tune from the famous English songsmith Sir Christopher of Martin:
“I used to rule the world / Seas would rise when I gave the word / Now in the morning I sleep alone / Sweep the streets I used to own ...”
The inevitability of final defeat awaits and King Ricky knows that his folly of placing his kingdom in the hands of the untried Sir Xavier has proved to be a mistake of the most deadly proportions.
Prince Michael, it would seem, is already practicing his apologies and planning a new tattoo for his coronation - not that he is going to be King of much.
Check out all our Reverse Sweep heroes and zeroes including amongst others Nathan Hauritz, Justin Langer, Matt Hayden, Brett Lee, Sachin Tendulkar, Andy Flower, Andrew Hilditch and Hedley Verity
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