Our spies at Sky tell us that the dismissal of Andy Gray is just the start of a political correctness purge at the broadcaster to rid itself of the dinosaurs that stalk its sports coverage. Judging from this leaked letter, which may or may not be genuine, it would seem that Ian Botham is next in the firing line…
Dear Sir Ian,
Even though you are in Australia, you may have seen reports that Andy Gray was sacked yesterday for multiple episodes of sexism towards a female assistant referee and to fellow Sky presenters.
The company has decided to use this window of opportunity to review our roster of sports presenters and pundits with the aim of pensioning off any that could be accused of being guilty of political incorrectness. For example, henceforth all female Sky Sports News presenters will be required to wear a burqa when on-air.
Doubtless you will understand that Sky just cannot take the risk of any more bad publicity in light of the antics of Gray and the grinning jackanapes Richard Keys.
Unfortunately, the spotlight has now fallen on you. We have collated evidence that irrefutably proves that you discriminate amongst others against Australians, people that are folicly challenged and pensioners.
Firstly if we go back to your playing days, you clearly took a pathological delight in beating Australia. In particular, your exploits at Headingley and Edgbaston in 1981, your haul of wickets in the 1985 series and the decisive role you played at Brisbane and Melbourne in 1986 makes the Sky board uncomfortable. Sport is supposed to be about the taking part not the winning and the fact that you beat Australia in five of the seven Ashes series you played against them means that you obviously don’t share our belief.
Then there is the series that has recently concluded. Having looked back at the tapes, you seem to have taken an unhealthy delight in glorifying and gloating about England’s success. On several episodes you mocked the Australian team and players like Mitchell Johnson, Michael Clarke and Xavier Doherty in particular. Worse of all, your comments about Doug Bollinger’s hair demonstrate that you are a closet baldist.
If this wasn’t enough, your running battle with Ian Chappell places us in an untenable position. Chappell is 67 and we simply cannot tolerate Sky employees bullying an old age pensioner let alone challenging them to a bout of fisticuffs.
Finally, we have become aware that you had a torrid two-year affair with an Australian waitress named Kylie Verrells. We have testimony that you promised to marry her and even engaged in bondage sessions with the demure young lady. Doubtless you enjoyed dangling an Australian girl on a string. As part of Sky’s new pious approach, we simply cannot tolerate lies, misogyny, adultery and dubious sexual acts.
All these episodes of playing to win, anti-Australianism, baldism, ageism and adultery amount to gross misconduct in Sky’s HR policy and mean that you are dismissed with immediate effect.
A. Faceless HR bod
Zeroes: Mitchell Johnson
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