The next 11 crazy events involving the Pakistan cricket team

 
Can Pakistan cricket get any crazier? Just when you think that it has reached a low, along comes Zulqarnain Haider doing his impersonation of the Scarlet Pimpernel as he vanished into thin air only to materialise sometime later at Heathrow Airport.

We've been mulling over what is likely to happen next with the Pakistan cricket team, and after looking into our crystal ball we can confidently predict the next 11 major events.

1. Zulqarnain becomes a bit of a celebrity in his new home in the UK and replaces the Irish bloke on the X Factor judges panel, has an affair with Cheryl Cole and plays himself in an autobiographical flick entitled 'Escape From Dubai'.
2. Following the call-up of the third Akmal brother Adnan to the Pakistan squad rumours of nepotism and mafia cartels strengthen further when first Father Akmal and then Mother Akmal are also called into the squad.
3. Misbah-ul-Haq resigns the Test captaincy after the calamitous performance of the side in the two tests against South Africa, although Mother Akmal impresses with the gloves.
4. Younis Khan reveals the real reason behind the conspiracy against his captaincy that was perpetuated by Shoaib Malik - he is a cross-dresser that regularly wears stockings, suspenders and a basque under his cricket whites.
5. Shahid Afridi announces that he is returning to test cricket and is promptly named as test captain for the tour of New Zealand. After scoring 21 from 7 balls in Pakistan's failed run chase in the 1st Test, he retires from tests again citing that he doesn't have the mental strength or technique required for the five day game. Mother Akmal is made captain for the rest of the series.
6. In a poll on Cricinfo, Shahid Afridi is named as the sanest person in cricket today. Shoaib Akhtar comes second and Ijaz Butt third.
7. Shoaib Malik announces his divorce from Sania Mirza. He says that the marriage was all a big mistake and he'd got Mirza confused with the opponent she was playing at the time he first saw her. His engagement to Maria Sharapova is confirmed soon after.
8. Imran Farhat's book The Art of Batting is a worldwide best seller and copies are seen in the cricket bags of such luminaries as Sachin Tendulkar, VVS Laxman, Kevin Pietersen and Ricky Ponting. All say that they wish they could bat like Farhat. 
9. Wahab Riaz beats Jonathan Trott at Madison Square Gardens to become WBO Heavyweight Champion of the World.
10. Amidst all the chaos Pakistan win the 2011 World Cup with a team solely comprised of Akmals. Kamran scores a hundred, Umar a fifty and Father Akmal takes five for ten as India are beaten.
11. Zulqarnain survives being stabbed with a poisoned umbrella on his way into the X Factor studios. Suspects include Ashley Cole and Kamran Akmal, as well as a mysterious Asian man with green lipstick.

Where next?

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Younis Khan reveals the real reason behind the conspiracy against his captaincy that was perpetuated by Shoaib Malik - he is a cross-dresser that regularly wears stockings, suspenders and a basque under his cricket whites.